Confessions of a San Ho

Resolutions: 2009 Review

2009-01-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

Every year, we all claim that we will do a bunch things that we fail to carry out. At the end of each month I'm going to review my resolutions and see if I actually fulfilled or made any progress toward fulfilling them.

1.Commit to a healthy and active lifestyle.
I have started a new schedule which has been working out for me. I've tried (and failed) to go to the gym after work, which leaves me hungry and tired. So, my new thing is that I wake up with Jason at 6:00 am, and he drops me off at the gym at 6:30 am and I work out before work.

This routine has been shockingly fantastic. I get to work much earlier than I used to, I leave earlier as well and I feel great. Jason and I also do something active each weekend running, or hiking or something.

2.Pay off my debts.
I've paid off one of my credit cards, and still figuring out whether I should focus on building up my savings at this point. I've put the kibosh on the shopping until I've reached x amount in my savings.

3.Cook more often.
I create menus on Sunday, and do all of our shopping on the weekend to make sure we have all the ingredients on hand. Jason bought this book for $5 at Barnes and Noble and it has been amazing. Mediterranean food is great for you and most of our cooking is from this book and another Spanish cookbook we have. We have been rocking this goal.

We also agreed that for Valentine's day instead of going out, we are going to cook a roasted chicken with Mediterranean vegetables, and I will make dessert and Sangria. Cooking is hot!

4.Pick up a hobby.
Does facebooking count? Otherwise, still haven't done this.

5.Read more often.
My resolve is to read at least 1 book a month. January's book was "Under the Banner of Heaven" a book Stacey recommended. Last night I picked up "Brooklyn Follies" which I got at the local library.

Conclusion:
January has been very steady in supporting all of my resolutions. I'm off to a great start!

Shitty economy

2009-01-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

No bonus payouts, no raises, and possibly no promotions. I guess I should be lucky I have a job and do a lot of saving this year.

New blog and 43 year olds

2009-01-19T12:32:00.000-08:00

I wanted to let you all know that I've started a new blog. I will be maintaining both blogs, this one will continue to be focused on my personal life and all my ramblings. The other blog will be focused on design in multiple facets. Mostly UI design, interaction design, typography and just plain anything that is related to design in the workplace. If you are interested feel free to bookmark/subscribe to that one too. To other things...

A few weeks ago a guy at my work started up a conversation with me. Small talk really, but then he followed up with an email saying that he was "stalking" me or something. The following week he asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I thought this guy was gay at first, but he told me he was married with 2 kids. He then told me he was 43 years old. After we got back to the office, he kept IMing me and then left his phone number and said "text me". I thought it was kind of odd, and I just ignored him.

Last week in Omaha, he sent me an email asking me how I was doing and we had a short email exchange. On Friday he sent me a few emails and then told me to call him because he wanted to hear about my trip. I find the whole thing a bit weird, but I decided to call him because it was the second time he told me to, and I kept thinking that he's just a co-worker, no big deal. I called him and we had like a 2 minute conversation and I hung up. On Saturday, he texted me and it kind of seemed just a tiny bit flirty.

So, here's the question...is this appropriate? This guy is married with 2 kids, and though I have a few co-workers that are married that I text, its usually doesn't feel like this. I can't tell if this guy genuinely wants to be a friend or if he's interested in more. I've been guilty of being naive in the past, so I really can't tell. What do you think?

The Dolce & Gabanna tote

2009-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went to the mall. The mall in San Ho is pretty large and the Nordstrom is just right. Yesterday in the "bargain" bin at Nordstrom, was an extra large patent leather Dolce & Gabanna tote. This tote retailed for $1050, but was marked down to $503.90. When I saw it, I immediately fell in love with it. Typically before I make a large purchase like that, I like to spend overnight thinking about it. I also went on all my usual online haunts to see if I could find it cheaper. I couldn't find it all. So, this afternoon around 12:15 I decided I had to have it. I reasoned with Jason saying that I could test my newly found discipline by putting it on my Amex (the one I just paid off) and paying for it immediately with my next paycheck. I made a deal with him saying that I would not buy another bag for 1 whole year.

Next thing you know, I fumbled through my old mail to find my new Amex card to activate, because the old one was expired. We hopped into his car in our gym clothes (because we were supposed to go to the gym) and drove over to Nordstrom, unshowered and unmatching. I was like a junkie in need of a fix. We get over the bargain bin, and there was my bag, gleaming like a pearl amongst the Orly Kierlys and Marc Jacobs bags. I picked it up and put it on my arm and marched over to the mirror. It didn't look as shiny as I remembered. It also didn't have any D&G markings. So here's the thing, I have a $35 Marshall's bag right now that I get compliments on all the time. It always surprises me because its the cheapest bag I own. I'm no label whore, but if I'm buying a $500 tote bag, that shit better be saying something about how much it cost. A strategically placed D&G would have done it. But, lucky for my wallet, it didn't say a thing on the outside, and frankly I just don't have enough money to be okay with that.

I put it back and didn't see anything else that I wanted. I marched out of that store with all my money and didn't spend a penny. I had won the battle with Jason's help. He told me later that I had reminded him that blond chick from MTV's True Life: I'm a compulsive shopper. On the way out of the mall, I did stop at Godiva to indulge myself with a dark chocolate almond bark. Can't win them all I guess.

1 down, 2 more to go

2009-01-16T09:36:00.001-08:00

I paid off one of my credit cards today! I'm so glad. Now just 2 more to go...Also, I'm sort of worried about more layoffs, and I make enough to save and to spend and to pay off my credit cards, but I'm wondering if I should back off paying off the other 2 and put that money into savings. Everything I've read on the subject matter seems to indicate no, but what if I do get laid off and I end up running up my credit cards again because I didn't have enough in savings? Any thoughts?

Resolutions: 2009

2009-01-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

Every year I claim that I will start a hobby. Last year it was decoupage. So, this year, I'm still trying to find my "thing". Sometimes I feel that I'm always on the search to find my "thing" in life. Anyhow, these are my goals:

Commit to a healthy and active lifestyle.
I have weight to lose, and I think I've been coming to terms with the fact that my body isn't what it used to be. It takes longer to lose weight, and I have to be more cautious with what I eat. So, this year I will try to really focus on a healthy lifestyle.

Pay off my debts.
I'm on my way to release the hold that debt has on my lifestyle. Luckily, I make enough to pay my debts off and still save money, but with an uncertain economy, its becoming more important for me to have a bigger savings and not accountable for any unnecessary bills.

Cook more often.
I cook pretty often as it is. I do however, want to cook healthier food. I've gotten really lazy about cooking my own food and have resorted to pastas, which I normally don't like to do. This year I want to create my own enchilada sauce, my own marinara sauce and make my own hummus. I want to have my own collection of signature recipes.

Pick up a hobby.
I'm still looking for a hobby. I'd like to grow my own vegetables, but we don't have a place for that here. I was interested in maybe a community garden or something like that, because I like the idea of growing my own vegetables for cooking. I'm still interested in learning to salsa, or sewing. I'm going to keep searching for that hobby.

Read more often.
Just because I don't have an hour commute on the train is no excuse to stop reading, but for some reason I have. So, I'm going to try to read at least 12 books this year.

The email

2008-12-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

Last week on my birthday, an ex emailed me. Not just an ex, but THE ex. The one that made me realize what love was. Long story short, we ended up in a long distance relationship which he terminated just a few months before graduation and my return home. Needless to say, I ended up not moving home, and moving to NYC instead. Probably the best thing that could have happened to me actually. Since we broke up in January of 2006, we hadn't communicated at all.

Then comes the awkward email:

I debated with myself whether or not it would be a good idea to wish you a Happy Birthday. I'm pretty sure its today; but I might be wrong. Anyways, I hope everything is going super for you and that you have a great day.
bye,
-p

I don't get it. I'm sure he was trying to be nice or something, but it kind of ruined my day a bit. I started to think about our times together, and I really couldn't remember too much. I know I was happy, but it was that hollow happiness that you know will go away because I knew he wasn't emotionally strong. I emailed him back a short email saying thank you, and now I think he probably didn't deserve that.

I do subscribe to the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy and I'm happy things turned out the way they did. I have an amazing boyfriend. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life. It took me a long time to get over that guy, but as a result I was able to appreciate a good man when I see one.

And now I'm at a better place in my life. It's almost like exes know when you are over them and they send these emails to try to make sure you don't forget. All it did was remind me of what it used to be like to date someone who wasn't man enough for me.

The problem with forgiveness

2008-12-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

Yes Shawn, I'm now blogging about this.

So, a few weeks ago someone I knew like 10 years ago invited me as a friend on facebook. This guy was a douche and someone I can care less about. I had two options: allow him to peek into my fabulous life, or deny him the indulgence. I decided since the last I spoke to him he was an idiot, then why would I change my mind about him. Request denied. Or hidden, in the case of facebook.

So here's the problem. Some argue that I have a problem forgiving people. That is untrue. I have forgiven people when they have acknowledged wrong doing. Or, have interacted with them after the fact and realized they have changed.

If I have wronged someone, I wouldn't dare have the nerve to add them on facebook or any other place for that matter, because quite frankly I would feel guilty about the fact that I may have mistreated them in some way and never said sorry. And in other cases, I apologize when I know I was out of line.

And while my critics claim that I am unforgiving and should just get over it, I say to you, why should people be excused for their unacceptable behavior? Yes, maybe it was 10 years ago, but if that was the last time I interacted with you, my mental map displays an unpleasant view of you. Why would that have changed? Its a case of association. I associate this person with unpleasant experiences. I associate this person with an asshole. So, unless I bumped into this guy at the mall next week and realized he's turned into an amazing person. I can't see why I would change my mind.

Some people in my life has committed what I consider major transgressions. This person was an unloyal friend, and for me that is a cardinal sin because I take my friendships seriously. I'm tired of people acting as if their behaviors don't impact other people. People need to take responsibility for their behavior.

And yes, its just facebook, and yes I have the option to deny. But, its the overall principal of the matter.

And yes, I'm over it, but these kind of things always bug me about social networking.

What will they say about you?

2008-12-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I had some problems with a girl on my team. I had worked with her previously and also had an unpleasant experience. The last straw was an email thread to the entire team including managers, where she tried to call me out. I committed a cardinal work sin by responding to the entire thread with a subtle email which anyone could read between the lines and see my frustration. This lead to my managers talking to her managers and surprisingly this girl had a squeaky clean record.

Since no one had ever said anything about her before, it was clear her manager thought it was me. My manager then posed the question to me, "What will everyone say about you?". This simple question caught me off guard. Its the kind of question that I feel everyone should be asking themselves all the time in all situations. If you thought about the impressions you leave behind, what would you want people to say about you? Clearly, not everyone will like you. I am concerned with the kind of lasting characteristics that people will respect. I want to be viewed as a person of integrity, good character, loyal, and funny.

In order to find out what people thought of me, I did the hard task of asking my co-workers to tell me honestly if they find me difficult to work with. I prepared myself for the worst, and shockingly, everyone I spoke to said no. The word "opinionated" came up a few times, but never "difficult". It was a good exercise to do to make sure people's perception of you are matching with your own. While its true, some will not tell you what they really think, I asked people who I know would be honest with me.

Aside from the work aspect, I wondered what my friends would say. I also think about those interactions I have with the people I come into contact with in my life like cashiers and food service workers. Am I leaving behind a positive footprint in my daily life? No. But, I can start to think about how I leave impressions on other people. But getting back to the question at hand...

My response to my manager was, "They will say I know my shit".

My twenties: A review

2008-12-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

My twenties are officially over and I've accumulated a list of the ten things I learned during the last decade.

I learned that when I apply myself I can do almost anything I want to do.

I learned that the work it takes to accomplish a goal is worth more to me than the paper its printed on.

I learned that making good friends is not easy to do and becomes much harder as you get older.

I learned that I will probably never live close to some of best friends ever again, so I have to work hard to maintain those friendships.

I learned that it is all about who you know, and personality counts.

I learned that sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before finding the right guy, and sometimes he shows up in unexpected ways.

I learned how to adapt to new and uncomfortable situations.

I learned how to spend time alone.

I learned that even if it takes a few years, your ex will always contact you when you are truly over him.

I finally learned what the saying, "you have to love yourself before you love anyone else" means. It means that people who love themselves don't put up with other people's shit.

Hello 30's.

Rambles

2008-10-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

Nov 1, 2007 I posted my last post on my Brooklyn based blog. I've come almost full circle now and with that comes time of self-reflection and interpretation. I haven't been bloggy lately because its time for me to come up with a new direction. I'm no longer "single" and actively being shit on by men. Instead I have a wonderful man in my life that would take a bullet for me, if asked. So, I've decided that this blog will be more about what I'm doing to make myself a better person or something along those lines.

I count myself as lucky because currently I still have a job in a market that kind of sucks, and will continue to suck. Today, American Express announced job cuts, and I worked for an agency whose bread and butter was AMEX. I'm sure this news will impact that agency, and I feel that I fled NYC at the right time. I'm worried about current economic conditions and the future of my current company in some ways. I feel like the world's economic woes are on my shoulders right now. The headlines are more and more depressing each day. I don't have a house or kids, but I can't imagine how people are able to make it in these conditions.

I'm also worried about the elections. If Obama gets elected, will he be assassinated? This seems to be something that is on a lot of people's minds. I'm so angry that I live in a country that is so f'ing petty we've resorted to this. Not that Europe is any better, one doesn't have to look any further than the Paris riots of 2005 to see that racism is the underlying current in Europe and all over the world. I can't even believe people subscribe to this thinking. Personally, I believe its a matter of socioeconomic status, rather than race. But, in a capitalistic society, we have this false believe that everyone has the same opportunities. Bullshit. Its an idealistic philosophy. Those with access to the resources have access to opportunities. Those who are in the poorest slums in America can care less about aspiring to be a writer, because they have more important things to do like stay alive.

I know this is part and parcel of all societies. Not everyone can be at the top. Someone has to mow the grass. Just make sure that person isn't me. This is what it is to be an American. We live in a society that breeds selfishness with no respect for others in our society. That "distribute the wealth" comment made by Obama pissed off a lot of people, because no one feels they should share their hard earnings with someone who they don't feel deserves it. (His quote was taking out of context anyhow) While its true that some people will abuse the system, and they do, there are a lot of people who just don't have the same access and opportunities as the rest of us. I support socialized healthcare and systems because I think as a whole our society benefits. If nothing else, it makes us decent human beings. Is that too much to ask? To be a decent human being to another person? Aren't we in some way paying for it anyways via welfare and social security that none of us will ever get?

Personal Finance

2008-10-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

About 4 months ago, I realized that my spending/saving ratio was amiss. Furthermore, I couldn't tell whether or not I was paying down my Amex cards because I dont pay attention. I headed over to Staples and got myself a ledger and wrote down all my bills and how much I pay each month. It was from that day, that I put into practice a few things to help me save and pay down my debt:

1. Automate my direct deposit to my savings account.
2. Write down all my bills, and how much I paid each month.
3. Use a payoff debt calculator at bankrate to figure out how much money I need to pay each month to my highest rate credit card.
4. Sign up to Mint.com to help monitor my personal spending.
5. Stopped using the credit cards.

#5 was not hard for me, because I barely used my credit cards, but when I did, it was in bulk amounts that kept building on y carried debt. Signing up for mint was also helpful, because I saw that I spent $700 in shopping per month. Since I've been committed to paying off debt and saving, my shopping habits have changed.

Now, I go to websites and scoff at paying more than $30 for a shirt. I went to the mall this week and bought an orange sweater for $43. It didn't sit right with me, and I went to Gap and saw an orange sweater for $22. I bought it and returned the other one. That's how cheap I've become. The old me would have insisted on the first sweater because it was more my style. But at the end of the day, orange is orange and a cardigan is a cardigan. Why pay more?

Paying off debt requires a lot of discipline. It means giving up some luxuries, but the end result is the big payoff. I will have one of my credit cards paid off in a couple months, which will put me that much closer to saving that money towards a house.

Family ties

2008-10-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

While I was out drinking with one of my laid off work friends and company, Jason was invited over for a "beer" with his sister. Unaware of what was coming, she laid on all the bullshit to him.

1. She's uncomfortable with us having hid our relationship from her for so long.
2. She feels we aren't friends anymore and she's tried so hard!
3. She felt as if the last time she came over, I didn't want her there.

Then she began to cry.
I've been struggling with how to deal with situation now for like 6 months.
Here are the facts as I see them:

1. She's really boring.
2. Ever since she got married, she is void of a personality.
3. She's easily offended and that's really annoying.
4. She is very picky about who she wants to hang out with, so sometimes she'll invite Jason somewhere or just me, and it kind of bugs me. Its like we always have to have 1-1 time.

The reason I haven't confronted her, is because I know how she's going to react. She's going to act all overwhelmed and shit. And quite honestly, how can I tell someone that I think they are boring? I'm with this girls brother, so I kind of have to keep it chill.

I told him, tell her to come talk to me like a big girl. I'll wait to see if she ever does.

The epiphany

2008-10-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

e·piph·a·ny
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Last night I put up my resume, and shed more tears. My eyes are bubbly from all the crying and I felt as if someone had died, that's how emotional I was. While I was sleeping, I woke up and I just knew I'm supposed to stay. I looked over my portfolio and was looking at some things I needed to fix and add. I'm also thinking I need buy some webspace again. But, I came to a realization that I am supposed to stay and work here. I will continue to put together my resume and portfolio, because it should always be ready.

Having this insight has brought me a new strength. Now that all the senior people on my team are gone, I am the only one left who can take a leadership role. My other co-worker is in India for a month, and he's worked there about 3 months longer than me, but he's not the leadership type. I realized that I have been taking on the complex projects that our senior person should have been working on but hasn't been for the last 6 months because she was out from illness and family issues. I realize that for the last few months, I've been trying to bring more awareness to our team, and that the seed planted for the presentation was completely my idea. I also realize that for the last 6 months, I have been the cheerleader for our team. Suddenly, I see the myriad of opportunity for me now that the dust has settled.

I also see that I will need to very quickly be ready to take on just about anything that comes my way in terms of projects. We are a small team now, but we work on a lot of projects. I'm going to need to be ready to take everything coming to me and the transitional elements needed to keep our team running. I think its going to be a long dark tunnel ahead, but there could be a silver lining in the end.
I feel like I'm starting to see the edges of it.

Left behind

2008-10-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

The second round of bad news came today and more people were let go. Directors, leads, and more people I worked with. Approximately a third of my group was let go, and in my specific team, we went from 6 people to 3. I can't help feeling completely emotional over this. For the last month my team and I were working towards a large presentation to be presented to our larger group. We met once a week to make sure this all came together perfectly, and now it will never see the light of day. I had just started a "Finer things club" with a few of my co-workers, only to find that all of them were let go. I had just become close with a few people only to find that they too were let go. My aisle is gone, only leaving me and one other person. I also found out that I will be getting a new manager (again). Bringing me up to 3 different managers in one year, which matches the previous job. All of these changes are going to be difficult, because I don't see the silver lining yet. I see more work, less support, and a lot of empty desks. With the directors gone, I'm not sure how this will change our role in this company. I'm also really sad that I won't be working with the people I like the most. I'm really scared, and although I updated my resume on Monster, I suddenly feel less confident.

The aftermath continues

2008-10-07T08:30:00.001-07:00

I awoke to my blaring alarm, with the same headache I went to bed with. Last night I found out that more of my colleagues were let go. I got on facebook and saw one of them with pictures of his family and I lost it. I cried for 10 minutes in Jason's arms. Its difficult to fathom how people with families and sick parents will be able to find another job in this economy. Silicon valley is slowing down, and is being impacted by the overall effects of the economy.

I have survivors guilt, or something similiar. The fact that so many people were let go for various reasons, and the fact that I'm still around makes me feel really guilty. I also feel guilty because some of these people I have been pissed at in the past, and wondered how they even have the job they do. Two of the people I bitched about 3 months ago actually lost their job yesterday. One of them surprised me, the other didn't. My lead was one of these people, and while in the past I haven't always seen eye to eye with him, he always supported me and had my back. He was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and though I had wished he had more balls, he was definitely getting better at his role. He has three kids, a house payment and a wife.

Last night I hung out with another girl whom I've had disagreements with in the past. She and I have had some tense moments, mostly because she was really condescending to me and is one of those people that is difficult to deal with. I had a feeling that if we had more layoffs she would be a victim. It turns out that she had difficulty getting along with others since she was relocated to San Jose. I feel bad for her, because she had only been here for 8 months.

I don't know how layoffs work, but I am told they have nothing to do with performance. I can't say that I agree with that because some of the people let go didn't surprise me. I also think salary was a contributing factor, they let go of someone that I really respect and was doing great things for our company, and I know they did that simply because of his salary.

I do know that everything that mattered to me yesterday doesn't matter to me today. I immediately cut off my cable from the $65 package to the $14 package, and will cut it off completely if I have to. I also cut out the "media package" from my cell phone. I'm wearing a shirt I bought last week with a big bow in front and right now I can't believe I spent $50 on it. I don't feel like wearing an f'ing bow when so many people are getting cut left and right. I feel like I'm going to a funeral. And I'm dreading going to work today. I don't know when my time will come, or if it will, but I was told a few months ago that I was underpaid, for the first time, I actually believe that is to my advantage.

Black Monday

2008-10-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

I live in Silicon Valley, the land of tech giants and brilliant startups. In an economy such as ours, the inevitable time comes when these giants sometimes misstep and suddenly need to re-evaluate their size. Today many of my colleagues were laid off. It was unfortunate and I feel some of the people they let go were completely a mistake. And we all know how this goes, we look at the people and try to figure out if there was an ulterior motive, and in some cases you can see why those people were chosen, and in some cases, you have no idea. Some of these people were very bright intelligent individuals who worked long hours and gave their blood to see the best work was put out. These were people I respected, and in my opinion were helpful in moving our company forward. And while my job is secure for now, who knows about the next round of layoffs?

Generic America

2008-10-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

After last night's debate, its clear that Sarah Palin didn't f--k it up. I think the world was waiting for her to make an ass out of herself, which she did not. I personally believe that Sarah Palin has been underestimated. I think she's a bright woman and can find the answers she needs when she needs them. The problem with her performance last night is that she didn't go deep. Her comments were very surfacey and she used a lot of colloquialisms and fillers and gosh darnits. She also came across slightly condescending at times, which I think people would perceive as her being more knowledgeable than she actually is. She also deflected some of the questions in order to continue talking about energy, which really irritated me. I think I pretty much checked out when she said that Biden's wife's "Reward was in heaven" comment. Seriously, that sounded like a dis, a religious dis at that.

In a way, Palin's strategy was brilliant and very effective. Its all about presentation. If you package yourself as someone who is charming and can talk to generic america as if you were having biscuits and gravy over at Katie's place, then you've accomplished half of what you need. The other half--the knowledge of politics is less important. Its the same strategy used by people in job interviews. Present yourself a certain way, and you will get hired. Personality counts. Obama doesn't connect as much with generic america, because he's viewed as an elitist and the cross-section of america did not go to Harvard law school, they want a president who will understand them and issues that are important to them, and Obama can't really forge that connection. I think had he selected Hillary as his running mate, he would have possibly gotten their buy in. Hillary gets generic america. But, we probably would have had an ineffective presidency.

My analysis: Sarah Palin is good enough for generic America. I think all those stupid hicks would totally buy into her winks and smiles and her condescending mannerisms. This bitch doesn't know shit about real politics and anyone with any critical thinking skills can easily see that her mannerisms and vague responses were without real depth. But you can bet your ass gosh darnit, that generic america will vote for her. (wink wink)

Lewd and lascivious acts

2008-10-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

Because I am a curious person who likes to always be aware of her surroundings, I occasionally run checks on my local neighborhood. I look up crime statistics on crimereports, and lately I've been searching for sexual offenders at family watchdog, the national sexual offenders registry. Wow. I found approximately 58 offenders within about 2 miles, and 54 non-mapable ones. I guess these are the ones who fell off the grid. I was looking for general rapists, but found what appears to be a whole complex of child molesters one block over. Including someone with a mysterious charge: "Caretaker,lewd or lascivious act with dependent adult" gross and creepy. Though I only saw one rapist of adults one block over, he looked pretty old. So maybe if we met on the street I can run away.

Creativity block

2008-10-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

I work in the "creative" profession, sort of. I am on the dryer side of things, especially with my current company. After all my complaints of getting shitty projects, I have now been given the opportunity to make something better. Though I know it will never ever get built, that isn't really the point is it? Or at least I'm not supposed to care if it gets built, just as long as I thought up something cool. So now I have a creative block. I feel as if I haven't designed in such a long time, I don't even know where to start, or what to design. Its akin to having stage fright really. The pressure to perform, which is really only in mind. I think.

Making mistakes

2008-09-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

When I began my career, I had irrational fear of making mistakes. I worried that every time I made a mistake, people would realize that I was not smart or didn't know as much as I should or whatever. At this point in my career, I've been more comfortable with accepting the fact that mistakes happen-in all aspects of my life. I've learned to chalk up those mishaps into learning experiences. I'm also still learning how to suppress my extreme emotions to certain situations. I sort of raised my voice at my project team today when they were not "pointing fingers" but they kind of were. I'm disappointed in myself for raising my voice, but I take this as a learning experience and an action item that I have to avoid next time. I think become more comfortable with the fact that mistakes happen and help you grow in your personal life and in your career. I need to learn to react differently next time, and I'm sure this challenge will present itself again. Especially in my job.

When does life start?

2008-09-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

After watching St. Elmo's Fire, a crappy 80's movie in which post grads are forced to grow up and accept life, it made me think of a few things. My dad is asking me when I'm going to buy a house. Quite honestly, I have no idea. When am I supposed to be ready to do these things? I'm no where near saving 10% of any house even if the market is trash. I'm turning 30 this year, and I really don't have any plans or desire to get married or have kids right now. I'm more focused on whether or not I'm going to buy these shoes.

I'm not totally irresponsible, I'm still working on paying off debt I accrued from being super underpaid living in NYC, and the costs incurred when I moved. I'm saving, and paying off debt, but is there a time I'm supposed to feel ready? How do you know when you are?

Keep it to yourself (update)

2008-09-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

So, it turns out that I am one of those people that has to get things off my chest, except I prefer to do it semi-anonymously via blogging. It feels so much more gossipy this way. It's like I'm talking shit about someone to their face, except if they don't read my blog they have no idea. Gossip 2.0. I will resume blogging, be prepared for more.

A perception problem

2008-09-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize I have a perception problem. I take some things very personally, but its difficult to offend me. Let me explain. I tend to view my workplace as a war zone. I feel that people do not like me, mostly because I feel that people generally do not like me. I grew up a loner and didn't make a lot of friends in school. I have also known people who pretended to like me and didn't like me at all. So I assume people at work don't like me. I also have a tendency to feel that because I get shitty projects, maybe my managers don't think much of me. I'm paranoid that people are talking about me professionally, saying I'm not good at what I do. I don't know how to let this go. I'm pretty sure its paranoia rooted from some professional lack of confidence.

I feel like I'm on this never ending quest to gain respect from the people I work with and I feel like I haven't been given the opportunity. On the same token, I'm worried that if I get the opportunity I will fail. I tell myself that I am good at what I do, and I do believe that deep down. So why is it so hard for me to believe it completely?

Keep it to yourself

2008-09-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

So there are a lot of people in the world who subscribe to the "Let it out" and "Tell people how you feel" philosophy. Total bullshit. In most cases all that leads to is hurt feelings and brooding over the conversation. I believe firmly in a non-confrontational approach. Which means that if I have a problem with you, I won't directly tell you, I just won't talk to you for like 6 months. And then I tell you I'm busy when you ask.

I bring this up, because we finally told his sister we are dating. Her reaction wasn't what we expected. She said she knew, that she felt it was weird, but she seemed okay with it. We are suspecting that she isn't okay with it. And I hope she doesn't bring it up with me, because I will unleash the fury. If she's smart she won't say anything to me and learn to deal with it privately. However, she's one of those people that feels she has to say what's on her mind, so I'm doubting it. I hate those people.

The fact is that I don't like her anymore. We don't have much in common, except for maybe some Netflix movies and Frida Kahlo. She confronted me earlier this year saying that all I talk about is money, which I've never recovered from. I wish she hadn't told me that, because now I just think she's stupid. She was pushing off her own non-white collar guilt on me, and that kind of shit I don't like. Additionally, she has that kind of armchair elitism that she thinks makes her a better person. You know the type, the one who makes sure everyone is politically correct or she gets offended, but would never live in a neighborhood that isn't White suburbia. The type that makes sure she corrects someone from saying "Black" to say "African American", yet tells me I'm brave for living downtown, which is where the homeless and the real color is. (All colors, not just one type)

Aside from that, I've invited her over three times and made dinner for both her and her husband. We are talking homemade sangria, enchiladas, guacamole and flan. (homemade). And not once has she invited me over, instead she invites her brother over for dinner. Isn't that some bullshit? I'm so over it. The tough part is that now I'm dating her brother, so its like I have to keep the peace. He agrees with me mostly, he thinks its shitty she hasn't invited me over, and in general doesn't like her high and mighty behavior, but that's his sister. So here I am. Stuck in between.

Ugh.

Why the Olympics are good for the USA

2008-08-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

According the most recent article in the Economist, our presidential approval ratings are at a historic low, our nation's unemployment rate is rising at 5.5%, energy costs are through the roof and the housing crisis has resulted in bank foreclosures and bankruptcies. Somehow, we became France's chew toy with that arrogant statement made by French swimmer, Alain Bernard, "The Americans? We will smash them. That's what we came here for."

Let the games begin.

And after all of that, the USA swim team broke the world record for the 4x100 relay. Watching the US excel in almost every event from gymnastics to volleyball has inspired a ferocious pride for a nation with a very low morale. I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I saw George W. Bush being interviewed by Bob Costas, I was almost proud to see him there supporting our nation in these games.

I've never considered myself a very patriotic person, but since our nation is in such an economic slump, and we are pretty much hated by the world for our policies, its nice to be good at something. If even if it is to stroke our ego for the next two weeks.

This weekend

2008-05-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

This weekend is promising to be a fun-filled drunken bash of celebrating one of my BFF's 30th. Our itinerary is to show SF how its done. Fag hag style. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to Costa Rica in month. Things are really good for me right now. I really like my job, I like this area, I still don't really have any friends yet, but everything else is great. I've also decided that I really like my friend's brother. He is as sweet as a cookie, and I enjoy when he comes home and I put my legs on him and we talk about our day. Its what I look forward to every day. I am anticipating a horrible break up however, because thats how these things always are for me.

Hello Again!

2008-05-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the fact that my favorite blogger is blogging again, I decided I too would blog again. And quite frankly my dear readers, I've been silent because I've been wrestling with some of my own thinking. It turns out I'm still "with" my friend's brother. My friend doesn't know and I think she's given up asking about us. Here's the rub. He is the sweetest guy ever to me. He makes me breakfast, he does everything I always wanted a man to do for me. He absolutely adores me. He cares about me and thinks I'm wonderful and sexy and wants to spend all his time with me. He makes me laugh and he's that perfect mix of asshole and sweetness that I like. Awesome right? Well, he's blue collar. He's not a fan of where he is in life, since he just got of the Navy, and does want to go to school and start his own business someday. So, its not like he's happily blue collar. I just can't help thinking that I really wanted someone who was white collar. But the fact that he treats me real nice counts for a lot in my book too. A really close friend of mine who visited me recently saw us together and said it was the happiest he ever saw me. I think I've resigned myself to take the "wait and see" approach. I mean I don't want to be an elitist like Obama, but I'm not going to lie and say that it bothers me that he didn't go to college. I don't know if its about income, I think its an education thing for me. So that's the update.

P.S. Still have hope in you Hillary, I got you girl!

Matters of Money

2008-04-23T21:47:00.001-07:00

Saturday night, my friend, her brother and I caught the Caltrain and went to San Francisco. On the train ride there, I made some off-hand joke about her brother being blue collar. Two days later, I get a call from her saying she has to "get some things off her chest". So, I meet her at the bar and she proceeds to tell me that I've changed and all I do is talk about money. The whole thing was pretty weird for me actually. I've been accused of a lot of things (most of them true) but I've never been accused of being superficial or money obsessed. I pride myself on the fact that I drive a shitty Honda in the valley of BMW's and Lexuses. I'm stoked that I spend $500 less a month on rent than anyone I know and live without a washer and dryer. I do admit to bringing up my fashion game. I definitely spend a lot more on clothes but who cares? I had to remind her of my own meager beginnings as the daughter of a retired Marine and a Bank teller. I had to remind her that most of my friends don't make any money and that I've never judged them as a result. After all of this, she says to me, "You make way more money than I do." To which I responded, "That's your issue, not mine."

After all was said and done, I told her I wouldn't bring up money or class around her again. It won't be hard for me, since I rarely bring it up. I think its mostly her own issues rather than mine. But part of me really doesn't think its fair that I can't talk about what I want to talk about it. It's not my fault she's super sensitive. Whatever.

Costa Rica

2008-04-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

I booked my trip to Costa Rica today. My friend and I decided to celebrate her graduation from college by going on a trip. Europe seemed so cliche and I figured I'd round up my Latin America tour by visiting another Latin American country. Our trip includes visiting Arenal, Guanacaste, and Tabacon. I am going for 11 days in mid June. So stoked!

The Value of Failure

2008-04-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

I've always been afraid to fail. In fact, I largely attribute my successes as a result of being afraid of failing, rather than enjoying success itself. Recently, there was a design at work that failed miserably during testing. Even though it failed, the design was still approved and is going live very soon. I had the opportunity to re-design it for a couple of projects I was working on. My manager said that we would tag the designs and see which one does better. The old fear of failure starting come back in waves. I fought really hard to redesign this product, and now it was time to see if I was right. One of my managers once told me, "If you wanted to know the right answer, you should go into Math."

Success is kind of a double edged sword. If you don't put yourself out there and take the risk, you'll never know if there is a big payoff. On the other side of that, if you put yourself out there, than you risk being publicly wrong and possibly endure a failure. At the end of the day, I decided that I've had many monumental failures in my life. And from those, I learned priceless lessons. I consider my time in New York City a failure. I failed at almost everything while I was there, and battled depression to boot. Yet, from that failure I learned from the mistakes I made in my career, in my friendships, and learned a lot about who am I am, and more importantly, who I am not.

I am positive that I will endure more failures in my life. I've never been the type to fly under the radar. And that's okay. I know the successes will be much sweeter.

Women in the Workplace

2008-04-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

So I found out today that I'm getting "under compensated". The first thing that came to my mind was, "Again?". Fortunately for me, this issue is in the process of getting resolved and it has been conjectured that it was more of a budget issue at the time I got hired then it was being undervalued as an asset. Regardless of the issue, I felt a little shitty as a result. When I called to get my mom's opinion, she simply stated that I was slightly at fault because I have continually underestimated myself. At this point in my career, I agree with her.

This whole issue got me thinking about women in the workplace. On the way home, I was listening to NPR and it just so happened that I caught a program with Arianna Huffington interviewing Cathie Black, Head of Hearst publications. A lot of the issues they talked about were so applicable. Cathie Black spoke about women sitting in the "dead zone" in meetings, and about women needing to speak confidently. She also pointed out how women tend to personalize everything that happens in the workplace. I was so enthralled by the whole conversation that I went online and bought her book Basic Black: The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life). Can't wait.

Moving i

2008-04-07T23:30:00.002-07:00

Ever since my house guest moved in, I've been slowly moving in to my apartment. I finally bought a television, a microwave and real plates. I am now adding a sofa to my collection. Its getting delivered in four weeks. Its an American Upholstery sofa sleeper. Its supposed to be the best sofa sleeper on the market. Aside from getting furniture, I've been working a lot, staying late almost every night and doing more work from home. Not much to report really.

The friend's brother

2008-04-01T22:56:00.001-07:00

Don't ask me what I'm doing. I have no idea. The friend's brother seems to have fallen in love with me. Or something close. He's super affectionate with me which completely took me off guard. This is someone who is a total bad ass and has established his reputation by being an asshole and the black sheep of his family. It turns out he's actually a softie. True to form, the minute he began to show vulnerability I emotionally turned off. I'm so f'd up. I just can't do it. I don't know how to care about people who seem to like me. I can only care about people who don't. It's so frustrating and so unhealthy. It scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel like I will never have a healthy relationship. I find myself being comfortable in the most unhappiest of situations. I'm scared because I don't want to hurt him and I'm so afraid I will. Its like a switch literally turns off for me. When will I be normal. Will I ever be normal?

Things you shouldn't do with your friend's brother

2008-03-25T19:40:00.001-07:00

My roommate and I are getting along famously. In fact we spend almost 100% of our time together. The only time we don't is when we are both at work. We went to Monterey this weekend and we hung out in Cannery Row and went to Mass on Easter Sunday. It's like we are dating, but we aren't. Sunday night we came back from Monterey and we stopped at the store and got two bottles of red wine. We cooked ravioli and watched The Office as we drank wine. Before you know it, he's giving me a foot massage. Yeah, a foot massage is never just a foot massage, anyone who has seen Pulp Fiction knows that. After hours of this, we ended up making out. And then we had sex. It was drunken, half-hard sex. But sex nonetheless.

The next morning I told him, "I think last night was a mistake". To which he responded, "Okay". I thought it was going to be awkward the next day, but it totally isn't. He made me dinner, and we watched South Park while eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. In my heart of hearts, I really do like him. I'd like to think that was just a one-time thing, but I find myself wanting to kiss him sometimes. But on the other hand, I really enjoy our friendship. We laugh, we have fun, we talk about everything and we hang out all the time. I don't want to ruin that. I also don't want to hurt him. I'm pretty sure he'd want to date me if I gave him a chance. I guess we'll see what happens.

The awkwardness.

2008-03-19T23:27:00.003-07:00

So it turns out that hooking up with the co-worker was probably a bad idea. I didn't foresee that the awkwardness would ensue from what we didn't do. I had only seen the scenario of me getting what I wanted. So now as a result, my workplace feels a bit like a war zone. There are certain hot spots, like the printer, the kitchen, the cafeteria and of course the bathrooms that are hotbeds for awkwardness. We've been sort of avoiding eye contact ever since the IM incident. I'm hoping that after another week, it will be back to normal, because I won't care anymore. But until then...still awkward.

The Re-org

2008-03-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

Our company recently went through a re-org that caused a few layoffs and some other changes. This morning quite a few changes were introduced that directly impacts me. Nothing life changing, except that they made some slight tweaks to my job description. More of an expansion really. They also changed my reporting manager, because the old one has a brand new role. The news isn't bad or anything, but it was just one of those things that puts you in shock for the rest of the day. Our country is in a recession, so its natural that some changes would occur, and I guess I'm lucky I still have a job. I think at this point I should definitely expand my skill set to ensure I will keep it.

Goings on

2008-03-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today my manager took me and a co-worker aside. I half jokingly said, "Are we in trouble?" We weren't but he told us that a few people had been laid off. We lost a member of our team in fact. I was slightly shocked. This girl had been working there for years. They just hired two new people so I figured those would be the first to go. Our manager assured us that the layoffs were complete, so there shouldn't be any more surprises.

Aside from that, living with my house guest has been a lot of fun. We cook together, do laundry together and we went to Santa Cruz yesterday to walk around the boardwalk. He's a lot of fun and all we do is laugh and talk shit. I have a feeling that he likes me more than just a friend, but I have to admit, its so cool to have a friend. He feels like the first new friend I've had in a long time.

My Guest

2008-03-14T18:38:00.001-07:00

For the last week, my friend's brother has been crashing in my living room on a queen size air mattress. Ever since he's been here, I've been up to almost 1:30 am every morning talking to him. I bought a tv and we've been laying out in front of the tv talking about everything. He's like a male version of me. He's so completely opposite from his sister that its hard to believe they are related. I think of his sister as the good angel on my shoulder. She's the type of girl who never does the stupid things I do. She found love fairly early, lost her virginity to him and married him. She doesn't judge anyone and sort of has a "live and let live" philosophy. Her brother on the other hand is like the little devil on the other shoulder. I already ride that line of behaving badly and I can tell this guy would push me over that edge. I can see myself being friends with him if he moves up here. I don't really want a roommate, but I have to admit its been nice having someone else around. It's also nice to have another straight guy friend in my life that's not trying to fuck me.

No regrets.

2008-03-10T23:04:00.002-07:00

I had a meeting with my boss today. I've been at my current job for 5 months. A few weeks after I had joined, it was time to set goals and get reviewed. Since I hadn't been there very long, I hadn't expected to get a real review. But I did. My boss gave me a full review based on my performance so far. And let me tell you, it was the best review I have ever had. On top of that, I got a raise and 122 more shares of stock. I was really surprised. In fact, our conversation was very much in the direction of "performing at the next level" which means that my boss might be feeling that I am in the direction of a promotion. Its nice to feel appreciated. My boss told me that he had hoped that he felt that me moving my life across the coast was worth it, and that I had no regrets about my decision. On the contrary, it was the best decision for my career and my sanity. I don't regret a thing.

The truth

2008-03-09T23:50:00.003-07:00

So my ego is a bit bruised because I put my pussy right on the co-worker's platter and he basically said, "maybe later". I have to be honest here. I've always been a weak girl when it came to men. I've never really had the nerve to say no or to tell some guy to fuck off. Not since past the age of 17. I've been locked into unhappy situations for months and years because I didn't have the balls to just get up and leave, rather I droned on in a meaningless relationship, even pretending that I was in love and in one case, was even ring shopping for our future "engagement". The whole time I didn't even love the guy. I just didn't know how to leave.

I had hoped that I had learned something. I had hoped that I would have the strength to leave a situation I wasn't happy in. And even after the co-worker sort of dissed me, I don't know if I'm going to have the balls to walk away, and thats the honest truth. I'm ashamed to even admit this. I want so badly to be that bitchy girl that steps all over men and doesn't give a fuck. And lord knows I've had my fair share of being treated like crap, and yet in my heart of hearts I still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I hate it. I hate that I can't just pick myself up and walk away. I hate that I'm even sitting here writing about it. Its a no-brainer, and yet I continue to settle for the crappiest situations. I never even wanted a fuck buddy. And yet here I am 5 months later in the middle of situation I didn't even want to be in at all. I just wanted to be this guy's friend. That was it.

I don't know why these things are so hard for me. But, I think I probably should continue to see a therapist, turns out I'm still making bad decisions when it comes to men, and I don't want to do that anymore.

Over it.

2008-03-07T19:05:00.001-08:00

As a single girl I have needs. These needs have to be met in some way, and preferrably not with some random stranger. Up until today, I was hoping the co-worker would be the guy to help me with these needs. Unfortunately, I'm scheduled into his time and not mine. We hookup once a month, every three weeks. Today, I thought I would try to lessen that time to 2 weeks. I IM'd him with this message: "I want to fuck. When will this happen." He responded: "I'm on a call. Hang on." After 15 minutes, he said, "Hey, I've been busy, but soon." To which I responded, "What do you mean soon?" and to which he signed off of IM.

So I'm left slightly confused and completely frustrated. From the beginning I thought this fucker wanted to have sex, turns out he doesnt(?). Or he does, but on his time and on his terms. The worst part about this is that the whole reason I pursued the "fuck buddy" thing was to avoid the drama of another person. Don't get it wrong, this isn't about me having feelings, this about me wanting to be physical with another person when I want it. Not just on his time. I had hoped that this was just a hookup and go sort of situation, and now I'm left wondering if maybe I'm not sexy enough, or why doesn't he want it, is it because he's seeing someone? Its total bullshit. Needless to say, when he signed off of IM in the middle of our convo, its the equivalent of hanging up on me. So, at this point I think I just need to find a different fuck buddy. Though, I'm not real sure how to go about that..

Mexico City: Post Mortem

2008-03-03T22:42:00.001-08:00

In case you were wondering, Mexico City was awesome. I'm seriously thinking of going back in a couple of months to see the pyramids. I feel like my life isn't complete until I've seen them, climbed them and perhaps I've sacrificed a virgin there.

Aside from sightseeing, when you travel with your business associates, naturally your conversations deviate from business. One of the men I was traveling with was a man in his 40's or 50's. Our UK partner was around my age, young and vibrant and happy to be single. We talked about how great it was to not worry about having a guy in our life. Then, the business associate said to us, "My advice to you is not to wait. Find a rich, geeky man and let him buy you everything." We were floored. This advice was coming from a man. He told me that the ground was fertile in Silicon Valley and that I have great odds of finding a young, rich, geek. In fact, he told me where to go, "An ice cream shop in Mountain View, that's where the Google employees hang out."

Needless to say, he got us single girls thinking. We started to feel like maybe we should start looking before it gets too late. After all, I have dated the men with drama, kids, an ex-wife and a broken heart. By the time I'm knee-deep in my 30's I'll have my pick of men who have lost hope in love and are looking for a companion when I'm still looking for love. The problem for me is that his strategy is a little gold diggerish. I've never been that way. The other problem is that I can definitely see myself marrying the man with the great job, who makes great money and treats me good, but yet, I know I won't be satiated, and I'll end up cheating with someone like the co-worker who ignites that sexuality I'm missing in my marriage.

His strategy is worth a thought however. I'm sure boobies go along way out here.

Mexico City

2008-03-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

When I found out I was going to get the opportunity to visit DF, I thought I would like it, I didn't expect to love it. Yesterday, our work ended early and we had the opportunity to go to Zócalo for lunch. We walked around and I was overwhelmed by the beautiful architecture of the area. We then entered the Palacio Nacional, home to some of Diego Rivera's murals. Looking at the murals brought out an emotional reaction I hadn't expected. "Epic of the Mexican People in their Struggle for Freedom and Independence" was nothing short of amazing. I hadn't expected to like Diego Rivera as much as I like Frida, but after seeing these beautiful murals it was difficult to compare. Afterwards we had lunch at a small cafe tucked in between music shops and clothing stores. I had enchiladas rojas and they were great. But, I don't feel like the food was more "Mexican" than anything I have had before. Maybe I need to visit the interiors of Mexico, but I found the food to be very good, and very much on par with all other types of Mexican food I've ever eaten.

Today, we ventured out to the Bazaar del Sabado, an area in San Angel which is filled with artisans and unique gifts. It was very cool. I bought myself a beaded Mexican shirt that feels like it weighs like 3 pounds. It's not the typical embroidered shirt which is why I like it. I also bought myself a gold ring with a square blue lapiz in the middle. We spent like 3 hours looking at stuff. We then ate Marlin tacos at the restaurant there, and ventured off to Frida Kahlo's house.

Frida had a beautiful house, and I was touched by the personal photographs and poems that were presented. I have no doubts that her and Diego were in love with other each other from seeing their personal correspondence and photographs. I had hoped to see some of her art, but I guess I'll have to wait for her exhibition at SF MOMA in June.

Afterwards, we ventured into some ghetto part of Mexico that was home to Museo de Diego Rivera Anahuacalli. It wasn't quite what I expected, but it was cool. It is the home of Diego Rivera's personal collection of art. He never accepted fees for his work but asked for artifacts instead. As a result, he had tons of Pre-Hispanic artifacts representing the Olmecs, Mayans, Aztecs, and other indigenous people of Mexico. The museum itself is housed in a replica of one of the pyramids in Teotihuacan.

I came back to my hotel and had some sushi and red wine at the roof top bar. Alone. It was awesome.

Mexico City: So far so good

2008-02-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry babies. I didn't mean to leave you hanging. I know you all are dying to hear about Mexico City. After my ridiculous experience at LAX, I emailed those fuckers at United and complained. They had the audacity to mail me a $175 travel voucher. Fuck you United. $175 is not even enough to cover a pair of shoes for me, let alone good enough to compensate that nightmare I had to endure. Total bullshit. What pisses me off the most is that I kinda have no choice. The "star alliance" or whatever they call that mafia of airlines pretty much ensure that I have no other options for International flights. So no matter what I'll have to fly on one of their shitty airlines.

I've been en la ciudad de Mexico for about 4 days now, and I've yet to really have a chance to see it. I've been working 10 hour days in a little tiny room. I've even had to call into meetings and answer emails and put out fires on my other projects in the US. So, at this point I can't say I've exactly "seen" Mexico City.

I can say that I really like what I have seen however. The people are fantastico, the area I'm in is very upscale, safe, and very pretty. Lots of trees, cobblestone streets, and very classy restaurants. I would consider living here in fact. I am not a fluent Spanish speaker, but I've been able to get by pretty well. I have been close to fluent at a couple of different times in my life, so I was hoping my Spanish would come back, and it did a little bit. I think more time in a Latin American country will help. This trip also made me decide that I want to be the expert in the Latin American market, and when I get back, I'm going to request to work on all Latin American projects.

Anyhow, I will have some time on Saturday and Sunday, so I'm going to go to la casa de Frida, Bazaar del Sabado and the Museum of Anthropology. Sunday I'm going to take a cheesy bus tour and attempt to catch all the churches and other large monuments. I won't have time for the pyramids on this trip...next time.

I'll keep you posted on my trip as soon as the work portion of it is over.

Mexico City: Free word association

2008-02-26T20:21:00.000-08:00

Posh

Colorful

Interesting

Cobblestone

Classy

Gorgeous men

Staring

looks like Cali.

Blogging from LAX: Why I hate United

2008-02-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out with my friend, her husband, and her brother who may be moving up here. I offered my humble abode for his use, since life in a tiny study apartment is kind of tight, and I'll be out for the week he is in town. We all went to a bar last night and its safe to say we all got wasted...except for the brother. We were out until 2 am, and I had to wake up at 7am to catch my flight to Mexico City. I was still hung over this morning and feeling totally nauseous. Last night after I got home, my friend's brother and I were text-flirting. It was kinda weird because even though I've known her for years, I really don't know him very well though he's been around a few times. I think it was harmless, but it got me thinking about how weird it would be to mess around with her brother. He's not my type in general, but would be appropriate for a hookup. But, it seems like getting involved with a really good friend's brother in any capacity is a bad idea. Especially with this friend. She's Charlotte. And I'm reminded of that episode of SATC when Samantha fucks Charlotte's brother and how that turned out. Same case here I bet.

Anyways, I find out that my flight from SJ to LAX was cancelled, and had to be shuttled to SF to take a flight to LAX. The flight was delayed and when we got to LAX our Mexico City flight had already left. The next available flight was at midnight. So, I've been hanging out in LAX for 10 hours. Not mention that I haven't gotten much sleep and I'll be arriving into Mexico City around 5 am, and need to be somewhere by 10 am. And, they are 2 hours ahead of us. So tomorrow's totally gonna suck. I frickin' hate United and all their damn partner airlines. Every time I fly them I get delayed and miss my connecting flight.

The perfect hookup

2008-02-22T08:29:00.000-08:00

The co-worker and I hooked up again last night. And before you ask--no we didn't. And I really thought we would. After last night I realized that he really isn't in a hurry to seal the deal. I think he's viewing this as a road trip where we stop at all the sights before we get to our destination. He's very different than most guys I've hooked up with and quite frankly he's the perfect hookup. There's absolutely no awkwardness when we see each other outside of my bedroom, which was a big roadblock for me. He's sexy, smart, funny, and honest.

Maybe too honest in fact. Last night I had his cock in my mouth for 3 seconds and he tells me, "Yeah, I can't do that to you...sorry I only do that with girlfriends." The timing was absolutely wrong but I respect his honesty and his boundaries. He also told me "I didn't have to". Needless to say, the whole conversation spoiled the moment. And of course we talked about it, because surprisingly we talk about everything. Anyhow, suffice to say we moved forward and did some stuff--I don't want to go into details, but it sure was a lot of fun.

Epilogue: El Paso excursion

2008-02-18T22:33:00.001-08:00

I'm back in Cali. I realized on this trip to El Paso, that I will probably live in Cali for the rest of my life. I just love it here, specifically the bay area. Anyhow, yesterday I saw my uncles and aunts that I haven't seen in 10 years. I also met two second cousins who were ages 5 and 9. They were adorable little girls that I could have easily taken with me back to Cali. I met another cousin who was also a very sweet girl and a freshman in high school. My dad told me the little girls wanted my email address which I thought was so cute, and such a sign of the times. I didn't even know 5 and 9 year olds had email addresses.

All in all it was a pretty decent trip. I had to listen to my dad's right-wing speeches and Hillary bashing, but other than that I was glad I went. My father's family has always treated me with respect and truly made me feel like family. They aren't doctors, engineers, or PhD's like my mom's side, but these are good hard working people who understand the value of family. My mom's side are complete jerks who have never accepted me as part of their family--for what reason I have no idea. I've suspected its because I have olive skin and black hair rather than fair skin and light brown hair. For once in my life, I was proud to carry my dad's last name even though I share it with 1 in 4 Mexicans.

This trip also made me come to some conclusions. My parents have never pressured me into having kids, though I think they are still holding out hope for me to reproduce at some point. After seeing my little cousins, I think I felt one of my ovaries stir. I've made peace with the fact that I might never have kids because I might never meet the right guy, but I'm definitely open to having them. I think part of me would love to be a mother, because lately I enjoy being around kids. I've always pictured myself more as a step mom though, because I like the idea of playing the mom one or two weekends a month and taking them to cool places and buying them stuff, and shipping those babies off with their real mom for all the day to day drama. I guess we'll see what life has in store for me.

1100 miles to El Paso

2008-02-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

I've been spending my President's day in El Paso, TX. This is one of those little things I don't like talking about, but I guess its time to come clean. My whole family are born and bred El Pasoans. I am a Cali girl but, my dad, aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins all live in Texas. My dad wanted me to come up to hang out with him and since I've ran out of every excuse, I finally had to give in.

I've been living the El Paso experience. I've eaten at Chico's Tacos, some nasty cheap little taco shop which is only in El Paso, and I've eaten only Mexican food since I've been here. Its been great for my Spanish however. Everyone in EP speaks Spanish, even the non-Latins. If you go to a restaurant, the waiter will speak in Spanish, and if you ask for something in English, you are likely to get a confused look. Since I'm going to Mexico City in a few weeks, its been a good test run. I've been fluent in Spanish approximately twice in my life--when I was 5, and when I was 12ish, and some of it is coming back to me in this short trip.

I've been staying with my dad and his #3 wife. I have to admit, she's a good match for him. They look genuinely affectionate with each other. It made me wonder if they were meant to be for each other this whole time. Instead they have 3 broken marriages between them and 5 kids. Perhaps its because they are in their late 40's but they seem to be quite comfortable and my dad is much calmer with her than I've ever seen him with my mom. She's a very nice person, very easy going and very open. She seems like someone my dad would bully, but in fact he seems to respect her. If my dad can be tamed, then maybe there's hope for me after all.

Work, Mexico City, and Broken Hearts

2008-02-14T19:52:00.002-08:00

I've been so busy, I haven't had time to think. I'm not used to working this hard, my brain is starting to hurt. I booked my company paid flight and hotel for Mexico City today. I'll be staying in the Habita, a boutique hotel in Polanco, which is where I'll be for the testing. I extended my stay for two more days so I can get a chance to see the city before I come back. I'm planning a few things, but I'm slightly nervous about the taxi situation, I don't want to be kidnapped. Or do I?

Anyhow, today is Valentine's day, and for some odd reason I didn't get that nagging annoyance I usually get every year on this day. In fact, I barely noticed it was any occasion at all, if it wasn't for the annoying forward texts, it would have slipped my mind completely. I had planned on making broken hearted sugar cookies, but I was up late working last night, and didn't have a chance to bake.

I finally came to a conclusion in regards to the co-worker. I went to lunch with him yesterday. I'm completely attracted to him, we laugh and stuff. But, there's just nothing there. I like being around him, but it just feels like there's no way we can relate on any other level. I don't know if this is because the boundaries were set up this way, but it is what it is. He's clearly still torn up over the ex-girlfriend, and that comes up often. But, when we talk its like we're friends. So I decided I'm definitely going to fuck him. I was holding back because I was worried about what he would think of me and then I decided, "Who cares what he thinks of me". There's nothing really there anyway except a whole lot of attraction. I'll keep you posted.

Hanging with married men

2008-02-12T18:37:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to get drunk with two co-workers. I obliged o because they are very cool people. Both married men of course. During the course of the evening, one of them went home, and I was hanging out with the other one. We had multiple beers and then went to dinner and then went to a different bar and drank more. We talked about work stuff and other stuff too. That was that.

Today I get an IM from the one I was hanging out with, and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I felt like there was some flirting going on. Very very subtle, but still just a hint of a flirtation. I might totally be reading into this, because I've never hung out with a married man alone and part of me thinks that's a little dangerous, but I'm pretty convinced he's fairly happily married. His IM pic has a picture of his wife and kids. And while I'm aware that married people fool themselves into thinking they are happy, he's Indian, so I'm forced to think that culturally he's not American and probably would stay faithful to his wife.

And yet, part of me is a tiny bit concerned. Both of the men stated that they hang out with girls freely, and that their wives do as well. So either these two are swingers or they are just very mature about allowing opposite sex friendships. I don't know, what do you think? Is this weird? Or is this just marriage 2.0?

Life's too short.

2008-02-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

My little list of self-improvement.

When I moved back to Cali, I saw an opportunity to make a go of my life. I don't have the oppressiveness hanging over my head anymore. I have freedom and money and time. Three things I never felt I had before. Its up to me how I want to live my life. I'm steering this ship.

I will no longer be my own worst enemy. Having a great therapist in New York (Ann Rosenberg if you are in the NYC area) helped me uncover some truths about myself. I've decided I'm not going to worry about my attractiveness anymore. No more thoughts of "What if I'm not pretty enough (for him)" or "I'm not thin enough (for him)". No more. I think I'm pretty enough and I'm not going to drive myself crazy worrying anymore. So far this strategy has worked for me. I think dating men on Match has been helpful in ironing that out. You meet men who think you're beautiful and you meet men who are clearly disappointed when they see you. Fuck em'. And that's that. In terms of the weight issue--I'm losing weight because I want to, not because someone suggested it. I'm a sexy girl and I'm not going to think any less of myself anymore. Yeah, my butt leaves something to be desired, but if you don't like it too bad. See that's how it works.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel like I'm not good enough. Unfortunately for me, I've dated a lot of men who sort of validated all my insecurities. They fed on my insecurities and as a result it made me feel unstable and uncomfortable. No more of that. This also extends into friendships. I will not be around people who bring out a negative side of me. I met someone recently that I feel brings out a competitive side of me, and I've decided that I don't like being around her. So, I keep away from her. Life is too short to get caught up in other people's drama. If you don't feel good about yourself, thats not my problem.

Professionally, I'm going to remain self-confident. I lacked self-confidence in a major way at my previous job. I always felt like I got that job by accident and that some day someone would pull the blanket off and see that I was in the wrong place and that everyone wouldn't think I'm good enough because I was educated at state schools my whole life. No more. I feel I've earned my right in this industry. I deserve to be here and I deserve to work for a great company.

I will not be made to feel incomplete because I'm single. Yeah, this one is a struggle. I'm totally fine with being single right now, I don't know how I'm going to get my physical demands met but so far, so good. It's easy to get caught up in all the married people's bullshit. Look sweetie, go live your life in suburbia and go have brunch with your in-laws on the weekend, I'm just fine going to a bar on a Tuesday night and getting so wasted I'm showing my titties to my friends. (That happened last Tuesday, and to be fair it was Fat Tuesday, so titties were in order). It's okay to be single and I'm going to enjoy it.

Orange dreams

2008-02-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

For the past 3 years I've lived like a nomad. Or a homeless person one might even say. During my time in Buffalo I slept on a coleman airmattress (twin) size. In Brooklyn, I lived on a queen size mattress, but had no real style or "things" in my room. I lived like a minimalist because I never quite felt at home in these places. Historically, I've never been big into decorating, simply because I was afraid that if I were to put all my favorite things in one room it would look like the showroom of the Salvation Army. Add the fact that I'm super indecisive and can't make up my mind on a color scheme, and now we have a disaster waiting to happen.

I finally did decide on a color scheme: Orange. It's bold, it courageous, its happy, and its the new color of my bedroom. I'm still revamping but I just bought this Saffron desk from West Elm. I also bought this cute piece of Pop Art from Andrea Heimer. I'm on the hunt for these orange pillowshams from West Elm. And last but not least, I've been eyeing some Pucci shoes for awhile now. So its fitting I get these orangey ones.

Blog or die

2008-02-08T22:38:00.002-08:00

So, I am trying to make sure I blog when I'm a happy girl because ultimately this blog is serving as an electronic record of my life. And good things happen to me too, though you wouldn't have guessed that by reading my Brooklyn blog. First off, there is less of me in this world. I've been chiseling away at the excess weight I put on in the last part of my life in NYC. No more bagels, no more dunkin donuts. I'm living the Cali life now, which means its all salads and yogurt for me. I'm finally starting to see some changes.

Secondly, even though I have had the project from hell which almost weekly suffers some new crisis, I'm handling it perfectly. Everything I ever needed to know about my job I learned in NYC. I worried during my time in NYC that I would be discovered as a fraud. Turns out I really do know what I'm talking about. And although I still have to fight battles daily with development teams and tech teams, its okay because I have extremely supportive managers who respect my opinion. I lead my own projects and that feels good. People look to me for answers, and it just so turns out that I have them.

And I'm not even pissed that when I had to miss a meeting today someone tried to call me out in front of everyone by "accidently" hitting Reply to all in Outlook with a message--"Please try to attend the meetings on this project :)" I mean seriously, who is falling for that shit anymore? I have never hit "Reply to all" on accident. After she sent the email, the Project Manager stepped in and said that I had sent him note saying I couldn't attend, and suddenly she sent an apology saying she wasn't trying to make me look bad. Well, what the hell else were you doing?

Life is still sailing for me. I am still without living room furniture and a TV, but thank goodness for Lost being streamed online. Still no love prospects on the horizon, and thats fine with me. I decided to just stop talking to that 40 yr old from Match, because the emails were tedious and I just thought his excuses were lame. In fact, I think after next month I'm going to expire my account on Match. I'm over it. I'll take my chances in the analog world of bars, theatres, work, and gyms. Or I won't date at all. It doesn't really matter. I'm happy as things are.

My Pattern

2008-02-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

I am starting to realize that I alone am the source of my guy problems. Its almost like my brain and my mouth don't communicate with each other. I find myself walking into situations and saying things I never meant to say or even mean. And by the way, this only happens with guys that I'm attracted to. I am finally understanding my pattern. It starts of with me getting into a conversation I shouldn't be getting into, then it turns into me trying to get out of a situation I sort of put myself into, and then it turns into me giving in to said situation and that is followed by days and weeks of agonizing over my new found status as the potential "fuck buddy" or "hookup girl". Now, in the past I've been able to graciously get out of these situations, simply because I took too long to give into anything and the guy just got tired of waiting and moved on. I'm almost 30 years old, when will I learn to shut my mouth? And why can't I just view sex as a physical thing? Why do I have to think of everything that can go wrong? Sometimes I wish I was more open to giving into my sexual gratifications. Life sure would be easier. But that would make me Shawn.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself

2008-02-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

--Mark Twain

While we were laying in bad after the heavy make-out session, the co-worker asked me "Do you ever get lonely?" It was an interesting question because one year ago I would have said yes. But, this is a new time for me and I told him the truth. "No. I've never really been happy in a relationship, except for one time, but other than that, I'm happy being single. In fact, I'm happier than I've been in a long time." That was the truth. I'm not lonely and I've realized no other person can fill something in me that I'm missing. I can't find happiness in someone else. I think that bitter little lesson came with the whole Chris debacle. But it was a lesson I had to learn. Dating sucks, and men can be extremely selfish creatures. So it feels good to be focused on me and exactly what I want, not what makes someone else happy. I'm sure at some point I'll want to care about someone else, but for now caring about me is enough.

Oops I did it again

2008-02-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

Last night the co-worker texted and me and wanted to come over. I decided that I needed some physical release, so I said yes. He came over and I laid down some ground rules. I told him he needed to turn up the sensuality and punctuate it with aggression. To which, he agreed. And a couple of hours of enormous pleasure ensued. We didn't have sex, but we just heavily made out. But this time it was fantastic. I made up my mind that I will definitely have sex with him at some point. And then he sent a text that changed my mind again.

So, we were flirting via text today, to which he asked me if we would possibly have sex next time. I answered, I like to do things in order, and we haven't even rounded third base yet. He responded that he was wanting me to go down on him last night. I responded that if I do it then he's doing it too. To which he said, "That'll be a moment decision. If I don't then you don't have to". Um. You want me to suck your dick, but you will decide "in the moment" if you want to eat my puss? Nope. Doesn't work for me. So, my response was "Ugh. If its like that, lets not bother with hooking up anymore". No response.

Now here's the thing, most guys are awful at eating the puss. But, fair is fair. Now, I'm sure he has some lame guidelines about only doing that with girls he cares about...well, guess what--I only have sex with guys I care about, but I'm making an exception. Now, the other part of this, is that I can just not go down on him and have sex with him, no harm no foul. Nope. I like to go down. I have to do it. Not rounding third and going straight to home run is like driving my car with the door open. I can't do one without the other, and I can't go down if he won't go down on me. And that's that. And of course there's a question of power here. Now, I definitely can't back down because I already laid down the law. He can choose to go with it or not. I guess that all depends on how much he wants it. After last night, I know he wants it even more than ever, the way I see it, I win either way. If he doesn't want to go down, I'm not having sex with him. If he does go down, then I got what I wanted (and so did he, I suppose). Basically, its a win-win if he does.

The words that changed everything

2008-02-01T18:14:00.000-08:00

So, the co-worker and I hooked up once, almost a month ago. Since then, neither of us has brought it up. We still say hi at work, and its as if nothing has happened. The only indication that something might have happened, is the text message I received from him last Thursday--"Your ass looked hot today, let's hang out soon." Today he came by my desk to tell me that he might be getting promoted and moving to a new building. We talked a for a few minutes and then he left. As I was packing my stuff up ready to leave, he came by my desk and we walked down together. And still, nothing has been mentioned. But things have changed. He doesn't bring up sex around me anymore, and I don't say anything personal anymore. I think he's actually a pretty nice guy and I have a feeling he's seeing someone right now, which is why he isn't trying to jump me anymore.

I feel like I'm in a weird place, because I do like him, he's really funny, very cute, I'm clearly attracted to him, but not in the dating way. But, I wasn't happy being the "hookup girl" either. I had hoped that we would be friends, and I guess under the circumstances, we kind of are. Things could have been majorly awkward, or worse he could have turned into a major douche. In the end, I know it was those 10 words that changed everything (How does a single girl get laid in San Francisco). It was those words that put me in this place and I know I have no one but myself to blame. I guess this is just one of those slightly stinging lessons I had to learn.

P.S. I've been at my job for just shy of 3 months, and I'm going to Mexico City for work the last week in February. Yay!

Work sucks and the neverending emails.

2008-01-30T19:24:00.000-08:00

Wow did today suck. I guess it was about time the honeymoon with my job came to an abrupt end. I'm one week shy of my 3 month anniversary. I signed a document when I was hired that stated I had to return my hire-on bonus if I quit before a year. During today's meeting, I was wondering if they meant before or after taxes, because suddenly quitting seemed like a good idea. My position is a politically charged one. Everyone thinks they can do my job, and for years, these people did. But, they didn't do a very good one, which is why they hired experts like me. So long story short, I had to stop off at Trader Joe's and grab a bottle of red wine--Sebastiani's Cabernet. To top it off, I'm pretty sure I have a sleeping disorder because last night I barely slept at all and no matter how much or how little sleep I get, its never enough. No more work talk--its ruining my red wine buzz.

So, I briefly mentioned a few posts back that I'm "talks" with a 40 year old. Well, we've been emailing each other for what seems like weeks now. We exchanged phone numbers during these exchanges, and yet no phone calls. I have a rule--never call a man. But his excuse for not calling me is "writing allows for a deeper communication". Is it just me or is that the lamest fucking thing ever. The truth is I can careless if this guys calls me or not, and I told him that via email, of course. But don't give me some lame excuse about why not. And don't tell me emails are expressive, because phone convos are just as expressive, especially since you can literally hear expressions in people's tone. It takes me like 15 minutes to respond to his emails because they are extra long. I haven't necessarily lost interest yet, but I'm about 1 email away from just dismissing this guy altogether. Am I overreacting? Maybe I'm just super impatient, but lets get to the point already. Everyone has their weird quirks and I don't know, I just don't feel with dealing it with it. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Do your thing

2008-01-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes that song comes on your iPod that sparks a memory from another time. That song for me was "Just like Heaven" by The Cure. Hearing that song always reminds me of Peter. It also reminds me of the time I thought I had my life all mapped out. I would go to Buffalo, get my MLS, go back to Southern California and work happily as a librarian and maybe start a family with Peter. Seriously, that was my plan. What I didn't count on was how much I hated library stuff and realized very quickly that a career as a librarian would not make me happy. Almost immediately my life started to crumble. I traveled 3,000 miles to get a degree in a profession I didn't even want to do. And for months I was unhappy. I asked my mom for advice and all she kept saying was "get your shit together". That wasn't really advice at all, but she was telling me was to make it happen, whatever it is I needed to make happen. And I did. I sought a new career path that I know would make me happy and along the way lost a relationship.

Flash forward one year from then. Stuck in NYC, I questioned whether or not I had chosen the right career. I wasn't happy at my job. I didn't like the people, I didn't really like New York, I was getting way underpaid in a city which is super expensive. It wasn't a happy time. I was assigned a mentor at my job, and when I told him about my severe unhappiness, he said to me "you got to find your thing". And for months later, he would bump into me in the hall and ask me "did you find your thing yet?"

It seems there are a few people in my life who are struggling to find "their thing". I know what its like to be lost. I was lost most of my life, and I'm sure at some point in the future, things will shift course again and I will have to re-evaluate some decisions and choices to keep going in the right direction. My advice to those struggling is to never stop looking. Be open to new opportunities and don't dwell on mistakes. Take stock of how to do things differently and don't do it again.

I realize now that without all the mistakes and struggles and bad decisions I've made in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am. It's those road blocks in life that build character. I'm happier then I've been in a long time. Finally, I found my thing.

Nothing in particular

2008-01-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

So there's a re-org going on at my company right now. It's not a scary one luckily. I won't have to worry about my job or anything like that. Though I've decided to observe a shopping hiatus. I know I'm fortunate enough to have a job now, but I feel like I'm in a fairly volatile industry in an area that is very much impacted if there is another bubble burst. Though many around here say there won't be another burst. As a side note, I find out this week if I'll be traveling to Mexico City next month to observe testing. Moving on...

I've been in talks with a 40 year old from Match. In his first email he said, "I decided to email you, something I rarely do, because you are my type." I have to admit I like the idea of someone saying that to me. Its very bold and very to the point. As a result, we've been emailing for 2 weeks and I haven't lost interest. He speaks 6 languages, lived in Europe, was a fulbright scholar, works in television, owns several properties, and is quite interesting in fact. He has good taste in television and movies. I have no idea where this could go, I've never quite entertained the idea of taking someone 11 years my senior as a possible companion. But, I'm open to finding out.

I've been successful at keeping my resolutions so far. I decided to take the advice of those Martha Stewart Blueprint people and turn something I found at the goodwill into a jewelry storage thingy. I spray painted it that copper color and added that paper on the inside. I think I need to add some cork to the left side, so that middle area isn't so filled with stuff. Its been fun having a new hobby.

Single and Fabulous?

2008-01-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

No not really. I like to rally for the single ladies, but really I'm just a sappy girl who does care about what people think, particularly men. So, I know it was a really bad idea to hookup with the co-worker, and this week I think I can see that he doesn't give me that same intensity that I once felt from him. To top it off, we had a meeting in which all of us had to attend, and there he was sitting next to some attractive, skinny bitch. Yeah, she's probably married, but its just the idea. Maybe he got what he wanted from me, like Shawn said, but I don't think making out and sucking on my nips qualifies as getting anything. We barely rounded first base. So yeah, it turns out I'm just a sad little girl who likes attention. Now that he's not giving it to me, I'm feeling a little dejected. So I'm going to chalk this up to a tiny step forward. Its not a full failure, I had a moment of weakness and now I'm moving forward, no harm, no foul. But, I guess I realized I'm not as tough as I had hoped.

A weekend in San Fran

2008-01-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

On Friday I agreed to go with one of my new co-workers into SF this weekend to explore. She has a friend living in the city and we ended up meeting up with her and spending two nights with her. We went to Vesuvio, a place visited by Jack Kerouac, and barhopping in the Mission on Saturday, and on Sunday we drove down to Sonoma to go wine tasting at Sebastiani's and Ravenswood wineries. Today we went apartment hunting with my co-worker and ate at a local taqueria in Potrero Hill. It was really random and kind of spontaneous and a lot of fun. You get to know people pretty well when you spend that much time with them especially when you just met them on Friday at work. It was a nice weekend, but I still don't care for San Fran that much. I'm waiting for the day I fall in love with it, because I used to like it a lot. Aside from my awesome weekend, I found out my first item sold on eBay sold for $91. Yay!

The Hookup

2008-01-18T21:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning at 8:40 am to the aroma of chardonnay from the two empty glasses sitting on my night stand. Yup, I totally hooked up with the co-worker last night. We only made out and didn't really make it past 2nd base, but the evidence was very faintly on my neck--a hickey reminding me of last night's rendezvous. So before I detail what happened, I will first say this, we do not directly work in the same business unit and he works in a very small and confining unit of people that deal with financial things. Which means he has absolutely no influence over me or anything related to me. In fact, we rarely see each other at work anymore since they frosted the conference room windows. Now the hookup...

He confessed to me that he's only been with three girls in his whole life, which I'm willing to believe after last night. He was extremely aggressive. I should have guessed, he did go to business school and all those MBA's are aggressive. He was a rough kisser and at times rammed his tongue down my throat. I had to ask him to tone it down a couple of times. (which he didn't) He then went on to grab my boobies and bite my nips. That was slightly painful and today they are still slightly sore. Basically I felt like I was with someone who didn't know how to control himself. He was really riled up and just all over the place. At one point, he said to me, "If I had brought a condom do you think we'd be having sex right now?" To which I responded, "Probably not, I have condoms". He obviously wants to have sex at some point and quite frankly I don't know if that will happen. If he's like this just making out, I'm guessing sex with him is like getting stabbed in the cooch multiple times. I'm not really into that. He needs a lot of work in being a good lover and his little 23 year old ex girlfriend didn't know shit about sex, because at that age you don't even know what your body is capable of.

Yeah, we'll see what happens, right now Im thinking sex is a giant no. I know you don't believe me, but I'm mainly interested in making out. I can probably get him 2 more times before he loses interest. That's the life a single girl.

How does the single girl get laid?

2008-01-15T21:50:00.000-08:00

After a very intriguing conversation about being single on Shawn's blog, it prompted me to really start thinking about my single girl status. I can proudly claim that I am happy to be single. Because let's face it, I've never been happy in a relationship. Even when I was happy, I wasn't. So now I will live my single life to fullest happily showing those married people and committed people how great life can be without attachment. So that part is easy. Now the hard part...

Sex. How the hell does a single girl get her groove on and not be a ho? I know my blog is a bit of a misnomer, because I've never been a ho in my life. After the age of 18, sex was primarily within the boundaries of relationships or "serious" dating. I'm totally fine with being a make out slut. I've always viewed myself as the "everything but" girl. The only problem is that the "making out only" strategy hasn't really worked for me past the age of 16. I can't really do the fuckbuddy thing, because I did a great job of documenting the problems with that. I can't do a one night stand, because that's just gross. I'm the odd girl that likes to know the people I sex up. So, at this point I'm at a loss of how I'm supposed to get my jollies. And don't even recommend a dildo or vibrator, because honey let's just say I'm well acquainted, and even that's starting to look like a relationship--its like fucking the same guy over and over. I knew being single was too good to be true.

A perfect date...with Anna

2008-01-13T17:20:00.000-08:00

So, today I met someone off match for coffee. I definitely see it as more of a friendship thing, because I wasn't really physically attracted to him and quite frankly he seemed to lack the passion or spark I tend to look for in a mate. The Vin Diesel guy is shaping up to be a douche, and the Brit is MIA.

I did have the perfect date however. Last night, I hung out with Anna, a girl I met on a flight from SJ to SD. We met for dinner and wine and she was awesome. We talked about penis size and vibrators, and honey you know that's right down my alley. She's real cool and I'm glad that we met fortuitously because I can definitely see her being part of my single ladies and fags crew. In fact, I've already recruited her. It turns out she might be my travel buddy too when I go to Prague this year. We've already made plans to go shopping in the city because she knows where all the cool boutiques are. I made a new friend and I'm infatuated. But not in the lesbian way, so get your minds out of the gutter.

Living for the bang

2008-01-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

"From the moment I saw you, I wanted to bang you." These were the words from my co-workers IM last night. I think thats going in the scrap book of seduction. Right between "Are those real" and "We have 20 minutes". His words also bring to light that the only reason he invited me out with his friends was to get close enough to have a chance. You can't bang someone you've never talked to before. It feels like men live for the bang. They devise elaborate plans and ruses to trap their victim in clever ways. What the hell? Is it that serious?

The woes of dating

2008-01-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

Let me start off by stating that I lost a total of 4 inches. Sounds like a lot, but I have like 4 more to go...

So apparently my dating woes are old hat for some of you (Shawn). But, I'm just going to reiterate on the fact that dating is horrible. I can honestly say I've never really dated before, so this is all new for me. Its horrible. It seems men make the decision on whether you will be ripe for the fucking or keep you as a potential mate. When did this happen? I was under the impression women made those decisions.

It seems lately I've encountered more and more men who have put me in the fuck pile without even really getting to know me. As a result, I'm forced to choose between a no-strings fuck or nothing at all. Choice seems clear right? Wrong. I don't know what's come over me, but I'm super horny lately. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I'm not on the pill anymore. Since I moved to San Jose, I can literally picture myself doing the naughtiest things with the most unsuspecting strangers. The guy shopping for Pine Sol at Target, one of my managers talking about timelines during a meeting, the guy at the gym sweating on his SJSU sweatshirt. It's ridiculous. Its completely out of hand, and the old tricks aren't working anymore.

Keep in mind, I've never had a one-night stand. I went on a date last night with the personal trainer guy that i've been sort of playing text tag with for the last few weeks. He was hot. When I say hot, I mean like real fucking hot. He looked like Vin Diesel but with blue eyes. He had a perfect smile. Our conversation went okay. He talked mostly about how he hit rock bottom when he turned a certain age and how he's looking for a girlfriend to love and respect. I didn't get the feeling he was bullshitting, but all I could think about is, "Well even if he's not interested, I might just fuck him."

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have the co-worker thinking I'm a slut, I have the Brit saying I'm chaste. Who am I? Well it turns out that I might be Shawn. The more I realize all this shit about dating, the more I understand his jaded perspective and willingness to settle for physical attention. I totally get it now. Now I finally see what he sees, and the view isn't so good from here.

Where my single ladies and fags at?

2008-01-06T22:48:00.000-08:00

Okay Match.com where's my motherfuckin' husband? You have made promises, you can't keep. So far your site has excelled in trying to get me laid though. But, if that was what I wanted, I would have signed up on onenightstand.com, if such a site existed--or even herpes.com. That being said, I'm forced to reconsider the types of men I think I should date, so I'm expanding into the past-35 market. I never thought I'd be venturing into the unknown zone of people born in the 60's, but it turns out that I might have to. Unfortunately for me I'm the perfect concoction of what men don't want. So, now I'm dating on the fringes of 40.

Now, I'm the first one in line to defend my singledom. I came to the conclusion recently that the reason I'm not enjoying it so much lately is because I dont have my crew of single ladies and fags to surround myself with. My new mission is to recruit some single ladies (below the age of 40) and some fags to run with. Since I've finally accepted the fact that I am not emotionally available for the right kind of guys, and I'm attracted to the wrong types of guys, I will be single for awhile so I might as well reap the benefits of being single. So, if you are a single fag in need of a hag, or a single girl who likes to have fun and you are in the bay area, give me a shout.

Boys, boys, boys

2008-01-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

So it turns out the boys on Match.com are just as scumbaggy as the boys I meet anywhere. Never heard from the Brit again, and after some probing with my straight guy friends, they unanimously agree that he was out for ass and when I didn't give it, he lost interest. That's fine, I had difficulty being attracted to him anyway.

For the last few weeks, I was playing email tag with another guy on match. He kept wanting me to text him and call him, and I just stopped communicating with him. Yesterday, he caught me online, and IM'd me asking if I had lost interest. He then told me to email him to hang out today. So, I did. Apparently he has a side business as a personal trainer, and when I emailed him, he subscribed me to his monthly newsletter, without my permission I might add.
After some texting back and forth, he tells me to come over and watch a movie with him (free popcorn lol!). I politely text him and let him know I won't be meeting him anywhere outside of a public place. He then said, "okay honey, have a good nite. xo"

Sorry sweetie, but I don't feel like being raped tonight. I knew he was gonna be a scumbag, all those fitness types are.

Ringing in the New Year: San Jose style

2008-01-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

This girl I met at the airport recently called me earlier this week to see if I wanted to go with her and her friends to the Improv for New Year;s eve with Charlie Murphy (Eddie Murphy's brother). The evening started at a local bar where I had a pomegranite mojito and a beer. At the venue, we were given free champagne, which I took full advantage of. After about my 5th glass of champagne, Charlie Murphy came on stage and I started to feel sick. I went to the restroom and threw up twice. I then went back to my seat grabbed my jacket and stumbled to my car without telling the group I was leaving (too drunk to care). I drove five blocks to my house, parked in a red zone and disrobed as soon as I got into my house. I threw up some more and when I hit the bed, the clock said 12:03. I missed Charlie Murphy's act and the ringing of the new year. I can tell 2008 will be a great year.

So, here are my resolutions this year:

No more drinking and driving!-I've taken too many risks lately. Asking a cop for directions while drunk should have been the tipping point.

Pick up two new craft hobbies and stick to them. (decoupage and sewing)

Get to my goal weight by May. (still in progress)

Make my bed every morning.

Start or join a Latin Lit book club.

Listen more and talk less. (this blog doesn not apply)

How often do people actually stick to their resolutions? Anyone want to share theirs?

A year in review: 2007

2007-12-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

2006 was the year I started my life. 2007 will end as the year that I took control of my life. I made some monumental changes, mostly near the end of 2007. As a result of accepting my new position with one of the largest .com's ever, I had to move to the West coast after living on the East coast for 3 years. I'm glad I didn't stay in New York. Every day I was there I felt constricted and confined. I can't explain it exactly. But, NYC and I didn't mix so well. Before I left, I was feeling almost lethargic and hopeless. I took a risk in moving my "life" across the coast to a place I never lived. But, thats what life is about-seizing opportunities.

Working for my new company has its own challenges. The process is much different but I have a lot more responsibility and my manager is completely hands off. For me, this means that he trusts me completely to come up with the right solutions. Each and every day I'm convinced I made the right decision for my career. Sometimes I'm not sure how a state school girl got into a first class company in Silicon Valley, but I try to ignore the middle-class guilt that sometimes plagues me.

This year will also go down in history as the year I grew up. The silly days of me falling in love with the wrong men are over. I think Chris really nailed that fact right into my heart. That fucker hurt me real bad. The realization that my well-being cannot afford to be put through the blender like that was a monumental moment for me. The situation which was seemingly nothing to most outsiders looking in, was actually very emotional for me. I was lead on almost the entire time. But, like everything else in life, I'm sure there is some reason for this too. I learned what I needed to learn from that and I'm going to be more cautious in the future about guarding my heart.

In addition to being the year I grew up, this will be also be the year that I learned about myself. I lived in New York alone. I moved there with no one and for the most part didn't have any friends. I spent a lot of time alone. I went to restaurants, museums, plays, and movies alone. In a way, being alone contributed to my depression, but I like to view it as part of my journey. I sort of realized who I was and who I wasn't. I also realized that I preferred hanging out alone over the people I met in NYC. Being alone isn't so bad, especially for a self-centered person like myself. Being alone means I get to always do what I want to do without listening to the complaints of others.

All in all, there were some ups and downs this year. But, I think the year ended on a good note for me. I'm thinking next year will be good too. Things will be good for you all too. Happy New Year!

Re-evaluations

2007-12-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

During my trip, I got the chance to see glimpses of other people's relationships. I saw a cross-section of Chris and his girl. I heard the woes of both my ex-boyfriend, and the Native dude. I see my mom and her fiancee. After seeing these different relationships of convenience, I think I'm starting to see a pattern. Most people are not happy in relationships. I know its a small sample size from suburbia but it seems that most people are in relationships so they won't be alone. I have a few married friends, and I'm not convinced they are happy either. Maybe the newlyweds, but life hasn't really happened for them yet. So I'm starting to re-evaluate some things.

Native Friend

2007-12-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

About 10 years ago, I worked for an Indian casino in my hometown. Locked in a tiny room with 20 other people, I counted money that flowed through the casino. I started dating one of my Native American co-workers for a few months. He wasn't receiving any bonus or monthly per capita at the time. He was a poor Indian. We never really made out, and we didn't have sex at all. After a few months we stopped dating and awkwardness in the workplace ensued. When I quit, we lost contact.

Yesterday for the first time in 10 years, I saw him. He picked me up in his new Range Rover and took me to his 4 room track home in my hometown. He moved out of the reservation and has a really nice house overlooking the mountains. He gave me the grand tour of his house which had a plasma tv in every room ranging from 36 inches to 65. He had a pool table, and outdoor barbeque, a small pool and two tiny chihuahuas. I felt like I was on MTV Cribs. He doesn't work anymore, so he spends his days bowling, golfing, getting more tattoos and home improvement projects. While I was there, he smoked me out which was awesome, since I have a new love for pot.

I've always found him to be a pleasant person, and it was nice to know he was still the same. Except now he's rich. I got the sense he was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend of five years soon, and he worried about girls wanting him for his money, which is completely valid. I never got the sense he was hitting on me, which was nice. It felt like I was talking to an old friend and it was real cool.

All I want is love

2007-12-22T14:58:00.000-08:00

After the second date with the Englishman, I decided to text him and ask him to meet with me. The idea was to have a real chat with him about my bizarre behavior. I wanted to make sure he understood that I have my guard up as a result of recent heartbreak. When he didn't respond, I left him a voicemail. Still no response. That was like 3 days ago. Apparently he's super busy. But when I was on match.com yesterday I saw he was "Online Now". So apparently he's too busy being on match and not responding to me. I'm chocking this one up to a loss. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him anyway.

After seeing Chris with his chick, I'm starting to think I'm the only person (aside from Shawn) that will never be in love again. Or be loved at all. After I saw Chris, we went to another bar and I hung out with one of my exes last night from high school the first guy that taught me about painful relationships. He's been extremely apologetic to me for the way he treated me, he regrets everything that happened between us and still claims to love me. When the four of us were sitting at Denny's he started to cry again in front of everyone about the way things ended between us. No amount of apologies or tears can take back how he treated me. Though, I'm thankful that he finally recognized my value. When will someone recognize it now? When will I get the guy?

Small time life

2007-12-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'm in my hometown for the holidays. Last night I wanted to go "bar hopping" in this shithole. My friend and I went to an Irish pub-the only decent place in this area. Well, I should have known what would happen. It was midnight and I thought we were cool, until I caught sight of Chris's brother. And a few seconds later saw Chris with his new girlfriend, the stupid bitch who emailed me on myspace. The fucking girl is still with him! After all that shit. When I saw him, my heart dropped. For a second I freaked out. Then, I went up to him and he tried to hug me. I pushed him away from me and then he said, "how are you?" I said, "great" with the most sarcasm I could muster. "Is this your girlfriend" I said. "Yeah, its Pam". And then he went on hugging her. She was completely unaware of the convo, b/c she was facing the band. After that I just walked away and left. But, its okay. I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be.

An ipod for Christmas

2007-12-21T00:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget that I work in the valley of the .coms. And sometimes I forget that I work for one of the goliaths of the .coms. Until today. We had a holiday party and everyone got a Dr. Seuss book "Going Places" and an iPod Nano (8gb). I'm thankful to work for a place that treats their employees well. Its the perfect relationship.

An Evening of Chastity

2007-12-19T00:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out with the Englishman again. We had dessert and coffee and discussed photography, facebook, software engineering, anxiety, and Portishead. I like talking to him thats for sure. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him though. Maybe I'm worrying to much about it. I've decided I'm going to see where it goes even if I don't feel an immediate desire to fuck him senseless. How long does it take to determine if he's just a friend or not? When our evening concluded, he gave me a smooch on the lips and of course, I was tense. He said, "You are so chaste." I said, "Really?" to which he replied, "You are afraid I'm going to try to stick my tongue down your throat" and I said "Well aren't you?" I then explained to him that I have to go slow. He said, "Its okay".

It made me feel good to hear him call me chaste. I just feel like I need to take my time and I'm not sure why. I feel like someone is holding a full-length mirror in front of me and suddenly I can see all the emotional pain that has been inflicted on me through the years. Its this emotional pain that prohibits me from wanting to be physical with him I think. It just feels like too much to have someone who I like talking to want to move to that next level with me. Whereas in the case of the hot co-worker, I know its just physical and although I like him as a person, I know exactly what to expect and it isn't much.

At this point, I've decided to listen to my friend Greg. He said that my problem is that I like "pretty boys" who tend to be asses. He told me that I should give the "average joes" a chance and after a time, I'll realize I'm in love with them. There's probably a lot of truth in what he says. Lately, I've been hung up on looks and immediate sexual attraction. Maybe its time I grow up.

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins

2007-12-17T22:06:00.000-08:00

I've always been a girl with a tremendous amount of anxiety. Anxiety runs on my mother's side and if you met her you'd definitely see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree of anxiety. Most of my large scale decisions were fueled by fear especially relationships. Which brings me to the Englishman. He called me yesterday and wants to see me tomorrow. We are flickr friends, which mean he's forging a social networking connection with me--a good sign. On paper, this guy is perfect for me. He has the right job, makes the right money, has the same philosophies on marriage and kids as I do. He comes from a middle-class family like I do and was the first to graduate from college. And he likes me. So, why am I worried?

At the heart of the matter is the most stupid girl thing. My interest in the co-worker is fueled by sexual attraction. I've always been drawn to men who have been very clear about wanting me for one thing. Its very alpha male, and it goes against all my good sense. But there it is, all raw and naked. I'm worried that I may not be sexually attracted to the Englishman. The co-worker and I have been eye-fucking each other at work now for like 6 weeks, so maybe its had time to simmer, whereas the Englishman I've only met once. The Englishman is not ugly he's probably about normal. I'm extremely worried that I would be the stupid girl that blows a good thing because she's hung up on the empty and heartbreaking road of superficial passion. And as my sagacious friend Frankie pointed out, in the past when I followed that road, I got hurt big time. And I still carry the scars from those torrid, empty love affairs.

At this point, I feel like all the realizations and conclusions and life changing epiphanies I've had in the course of the last year can easily go down the drain if I don't use my mind. I am always the purveyor of advice, so now I guess its time to put it to the test and really give this guy a chance. Maybe all my preconceptions of "passion" are wrong. Maybe passion grows delicately between to people who have mutual respect for each other and have shared interests. The Englishman thinks I'm "arty and interesting" its nice to be around someone who isn't reminding me of how horny they are every 10 minutes.

A date with an Englishman

2007-12-16T02:31:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had my first date with someone from Match.com. He was much better looking than he was in his photo which was a definite plus. I had expected a mediocre looking fellow. He was every bit as interesting as I thought he would be and wicked intelligent too. He works as a software engineer for Apple and was lured from the UK to work here for them in their main office. We had a lot to talk about and there was never a lapse in conversation. He attempted to kiss me in the bar, to which I recoiled and pulled back. For me, I need a few more dates before I enter the 'kissing' zone. I'm surprisingly prudish in this respect. I know I am probably sexually attracted to him, but its utterly impossible for me to act on anything so soon. I'm physically incapable of doing so. However, after he walked me to my car, he insisted on trying to kiss me again. This time I didn't resist, but I didn't give him any tongue. So, our departing kisses ended up being multiple smooches interwoven with my giggles. I'm shockingly high schoolish when it comes to these things. He said, "You are all giggly, I would never have expected that". Truth be told, it felt good to kiss him. It wasn't sexual for me, but his lips felt so soft and so nice on mine. I think he was trying to kiss me to establish that there was more than just friendship here. I think I'll be seeing him again. He was very nice to hang out with. I'm feeling hopeful, but still in control of everything.

Fuck Buddies: Situations and Pitfalls

2007-12-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

As a result of a pending proposition--I'm sure the co-worker is going to formally ask me to be his fuck buddy any day now. He came to my desk today to discuss in person that he is looking for a fuck buddy. It's rather funny actually. Who the hell says that shit? He does. I recommended that he try a White girl since he lamented on the fact that Indian girls live with their parents. As does he. (He's Indian too) I've basically deflected his prodding by suggesting that he go out and find someone to hook up with and to let me know how it turns out. He said he's never had a fuck buddy because he's only been with girls he's dated, but he's ready to enter the fuck buddy zone with someone. So, I gave him a shortened version of my personal view of the various fuck buddy situations which I've outlined below. In my opinion its not worth the drama. And in case you were wondering why I'm indulging him, well for two reasons, I'm entertained by the whole situation and I'm bored.

First off, the fuck buddy situation needs to be clearly outlined with both parties so there's no misunderstandings. In most scenarios, both parties need to be single. The underlying fact is that as soon as one person gets into a relationship, the sex usually ends. It might take awhile for the guy to stop, but once he gets really involved, he's going to cut you off.

Situation 1: The two people are actually friends and spend time together maybe even go to the movies and out to other places and then they fuck like wild dogs in heat. The sex is probably very sensual, because these two have a friendship and respect each other.

This sounds good in theory, but then it starts to feel like a real relationship, which both parties agreed they didn't want in the first place. Eventually problems arise because more than likely the girl was thinking of this guy as her boyfriend, until he states that he's interested in another girl. Then feelings get hurt, and once the sex stops it becomes really difficult to hang out with them without having sex and then eventually they stop speaking to each other. In this scenario you lose a friend and good sex.

Situation 2: The two people sorta know each other or they are more like acquaintences that may or may not even like each other. They agree the situation is simply for fucking. There are no frills or romance.

This is the standard 9pm booty call without eye contact and probably doggy style only. (So he doesn't have to look at you) You are just ass to him and he is just cock to you. When he's done, he's literally half way out the door and if you happen to orgasm, then its by sheer luck, because he didn't care either way.

This situation has the potential to get ugly. Meaningless sex for most people is just to get your jollies. After awhile, it isnt very good anymore. But, even in this case, the girl at some point will probably develop feelings for this asshole (because thats what girls do), or she will start to despise him and become disgusted by his every action and his selfishness.

In this scenario, it can go either way--either she dumps him because of her disgust, or he dumps her because he's moved on to new booty. There's a real good chance she'll get hurt either way though.

Sitation 3: In this sitation the two individuals do not live in the same state. So they only engage with each other sporadically throughout the year.

This is otherwise known as the Long Distance Fuck Buddy. This situation is advantageous for both parties, because the distance is a natural separation that prevents the usual build up of feelings that occur with frequent sex. This ends up being the "I'm in town" guy and has potential to last for years if both parties are open to it. And of course there are no hard feelings because both individuals are tied to their areas of residence. I find that this scenario works out the best. Its possible these two people have a real friendship and probably have very intimate sex.

Smoke in Mirrors

2007-12-12T19:27:00.000-08:00

Recently a friend of mine blogged about someone saying "I thought you were hotter". This got me thinking about something I believe to be true. Other people's eyes are our mirrors. Sometimes what we see and what others see about us don't match. When I view myself I see certain characteristics. I think I'm fat, I think I'm mildly attractive, and reasonably smart. Other people don't quite think I'm so fat, and think maybe either I'm very attractive or not at all. And while we know that other people's opinions are subjective, it would be complete bullshit to ignore the feedback of our peers. The only time I disregard feedback if its by a female I don't know. Girls will rarely complement on another girls appearance if they don't know them. If the girl is pretty, they will still find something negative to say, thats just in our jealous natures. Petty but completely true in most cases.

But its also true that how people perceive us is how we perceive ourselves. If 30 people walk by and comment on how unattractive you are, you will start to see yourself differently. It easy to disregard one or two people's opinions, but in bulk, it starts to change your perceptions. Sometimes this isn't always bad. For most of my life, people have seen my strengths while I was completely ignorant of them. If these people hadn't seen them, I would have never been able to get some of the opportunities that have come my way. I hate to say this, but what people think absolutely factors into one's self-identity. As I get older, I find that I'm less affected by what others think because my own successes have fueled my own self-worth. I've also learned to focus more on my abilities rather than my appearance for self-worth. People can always deny your attractiveness, but they can't deny your accomplishments. Those I can stand on.

Conversations with Other Women

2007-12-11T23:08:00.000-08:00

Today I left work early because I'm sick. I went home and watched Conversations with Other Women on my Netflix VOD. The movie is interesting in many respects. It's shot in a split screen format and the whole film is about one man and one woman who meet at a wedding and talk. It isn't immediately clear if they know each other, but it turns out they were married previously. While they are flirting and talking on side of the screen, the other side of the screen shows them in their youth, married and in love living in New York City. The man tells the woman that his ex-wife was "a great fuck and a great friend."

I'm not sure why, but this film really touched me. For a large part of my adult life, I never believed I could love anyone else. Until I met Peter. With him, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I loved him and he loved me. For the only time in my life, I was happy with another person. I felt I could trust him and let him see who I really am. But people change. That's inevitable. I haven't seen or heard from him in years. I can still imagine having the same kind of conversation with him as the two people in that movie. Its bizarre to think that at one moment in your lives things appeared to have a predictable ending. He spoke of being married and having a daughter with me. At the time, I could definitely see that happening. Now, I couldn't even imagine having a relationship with him. We are two different people who went in very different directions in life. It makes me wonder that if two people were intended to be together would it still work? Even if you put in the time and the effort, does it even matter?

I've worked extra hard in situations with men who could careless. And, I'm pretty sure I won't do a thing for a man who really does love me. I have no idea why I'm like that. I've suspected for a long time that I'm incapable of having a close relationship with another human. Especially men. I fall for those who I know can never fall for me. The thought of being with someone day in and day out scares the shit out of me. I don't know if I can handle being that close to another person. I guess maybe if they are the right guy...but all the guys start off all right and then they start to tarnish. I think there are some people who will always have that sexually charged mutual attraction and emotional connection that only the two of you can understand. Sometimes that isnt the person you end up with.

Fashion for the Masses

2007-12-10T20:26:00.001-08:00

So, this is my second posting for the day. I felt that this topic needed its own post and couldn't be lumped into a single posting. I went to work today. In SF I bought a burgundy silk dress that went about 2.5 inches above the knee. You can see it here. I wore it like this girl did in the picture, as you can tell its a bit cleavagy, so I wore a black tank underneath. In addition, I wore black crocheted tights (Roberto Cavalli, in case you were interested) and my black boots. Now, I know I looked cute. The problem is that my co-workers look like shit. And not the "we're comfortable" but kind of like shit. Some look comfortable, some look like they are lucky if they make it out of the door matching. What I wore today I could have easily worn at my old office and no one would have even given me a second glance.

Today, I just felt like everyone was looking at me. I saw the girls looking me up and down. I can't tell if they are admiring or judging or both. Or jealous that they can't wear that kind of shit. I have big boobs that can't be hidden, though I try. I wear tanks and I've been extra careful to wear things that don't accentuate. My question to you all is this: Should I conform to their low standards of fashion? Am I somehow hurting my career and risking not being taken seriously--or are these just jealous bitches that I shouldn't let bother me? Keep in mind that nothing about me is "toned down". As soon as I speak, people know I'm not to be fucked with. Maybe I'm just being over analytical. My co-worker told me that I "dress beautifully". What do you think?

Internet Dating

2007-12-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

"Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love won’t look for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because 'the right books are found only by accident.' ...serendipity is the hallmark of inefficient markets, and the marketplace of love is becoming more efficient"--Wired Magazine (2002)

I've been on match.com for like 5 days now. My biggest fear is that I'll see a co-worker or manager on there and an even bigger fear is that they will "wink" at me. So far, I've gotten a lot of responses on that site. I can only deduce that there are fewer women in the bay area (silicon valley) and even fewer women who actually take care of themselves (judging from my peers at work). So far, I've chatted with a French man and I'm emailing with someone from the UK on a 3 year visa.

I'm trying things differently this time. The man from the UK is by no means a show stopper, but both his profile and his emails make me laugh. That's really hard to do in that type of environment. If nothing else, I might have made myself a friend. The other men who've emailed me have had questionable usernames like "whoseyourdaddy". Delete. One man had the audacity to say "Looking for an attractive woman to start a family with" and so far the best I've seen is "Looking for a low-maintainence and laid-back girl who is kind of bitchie...because I like that for a reason!!!!" I almost emailed him, but he was only 25. I feel good about this. I think I might meet some interesting people. The candidates are a lot more promising than the ones I was getting on e-harmony and that was NYC after all.

Happy birthday to me

2007-12-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

I decided I wouldn't be alone for my birthday, so I went to a meetup in SF in the morning. It was a meetup in Pacific Heights with an amazing view of the bay. I passed by Senator Feinstein's abode which was on a street with huge mansions. As usual, I met a lot of interesting people and a couple of people from my job actually. The only thing is that the woman I met that works with me is kinda weird. But, I guess beggers can't be choosy. She wants to travel to Mexico with me. After the meetup, I went to lunch with a several of the people and then went shopping in the Hayes Valley shopping district. What a poor excuse for a "shopping district" there were like 4 clothing stores. Lame. When I got back to San Jo, Carissa called me to see if I wanted to have drinks somewhere. We went to the Hotel de Anza in downtown and I had three champagne cocktails in the bar. It was really nice and quite classy. I told her thank you, because I could have ended up having a lonely birthday, to which she responded, "I wouldn't have let that happen." I gotta give this girl credit. She has been a great friend to me. Though, I sometimes feel like we don't have anything in common, she really has been there for me. I feel lucky to have her in my life actually. And now I ride out the 20's in style.

Goodbye 20's, Hello Sexual Peak

2007-12-08T22:51:00.000-08:00

Holy shit. It's my fucking birthday and guess what...I'm exiting my fucking 20's. But I'm not afraid, because I have nothing but my 30's to look forward to, which supposedly is the key to sexual happiness. Bear with me folks, I'm drunk on 3 champagne cocktails but I'm about to bare some confessions. I haven't gotten laid since August, but the douchebag we shall call Chris. Sex with him was eh. I can say that now. It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst. But, lately I've been having amazing sex. By myself. Who knew how amazing I was? And without the drama of another guy? Seriously, I can have multiples on my own now, something I could never do before. And I blame it all on becoming 30 soon. I realize before I know it I'm going to be 40 and still feeling like I'm fuckin' 24. But, I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how amazing my 30s will be. Tomorrow, when I'm sober I'll tell you all about my day in the city. Right now I just wanted to let you know about my amazing sex life.

Single Mexican American Female with Glorious Tits seeks Social Nerd for Laughter and Nerdy Conversation

2007-12-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today, my team had an offsite. We went to lunch at a pizza place and followed that up with three friendly games of laser tag. While at the laser tag place they surprised me with a birthday cake. How sweet. I think I finally narrowed down the kind of man I want. A social nerd. There are some guys on my team that aren't "hot" or even traditionally "attractive", but they have such awesome personalities. They are really funny, very smart, and super nice guys. They are also very interesting people. And guess what, I have fun with them. One of these social nerds, started talking about how he wanted to be a scientist who studied birds, and proceeded to do a "bird word" for the American Swallow. That's really interesting.

The social nerd is a creature of many diverse interests, but still recognizes common humor and also makes jokes himself. This guy is really fun and I feel like I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to understand what it is I need. Turns out its not the 6'2'' guy with the green eyes and dark skin. But its the smart guy who totally makes me laugh. And who cares if others don't think he's hot. He just has to be attractive to me. These men on my team are off limits of course, but I can see myself really starting to become attracted to them if I spent more time with them and they weren't off limits. I can't believe I didn't realize this before. I'm hopeful that there are more social nerds in silicon valley. Not to be confused with the socially-awkward nerd. Those guys are no fun. And the hot business school types need not apply, because those guys ultimately have too much confidence and think just cuz a sista makes a joke about sex, she's going to automatically give it up. Sorry honey, I'm saving myself for the social nerd of my dreams...

Good enough to Fuck

2007-12-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

The co-worker IM'd me today at work. We had some boring convo about meetings, and suddenly the convo took a turn for the worst. Suddenly we were discussing sex and defining fuck buddy situations and all that shit. When I left work I was slightly upset. This guy just wants to fuck me. While this was happening on IM, I sent the log to Shawn to read, since he was online and I was telling him about it.

So while I was driving home, Shawn calls to tell me that it was partially my fault. For once in my life, I realize that Shawn is right. There was a pivotal moment in the convo when he was "testing the waters" and I allowed it to happen. Someone else would have changed the subject, but no, I've always been a tease so naturally I went down that road of indescretion. It was my fault completely that he thought he could fuck me. He pretty much almost asked me. I think I realize that the problem is that I am too normal with guys right away. Just because I say something like "how does a single girl get laid around here" doesn't mean I'm going to do you or anyone for that matter. Its a joke. I'm starting to understand why men sometimes get the wrong idea about me. Its because of me. Below is part of the convo...it got way worse than this. I didn't copy that part of the log. I'm almost embarassed to put this up, because I can see completely that it was so my fault

[16:24] cherie: i dont just do dudes randomly
[16:26] co-worker: hahah, yet you call urself a classy ho
[16:26] co-worker: and i never said random dudes
[16:26] cherie: true
[16:26] cherie: classy bitch
[16:26] co-worker: it could be someone u know as well
[16:26] cherie: that works too
[16:26] cherie: i know exactly 2 people in san jo
[16:29] co-worker: who are the 2?
[16:29] cjerie: well outside of work
[16:29] cherie: my married friends
[16:29] cherie: one boy and one girl
[16:29] co-worker: u could always get some from them?
[16:29] cherie: yeah, i dont think they are into that
[16:30] cherie: her husband is hot though
[16:30] cherie: but i dont do married people
[16:30] co-worker: yeah that'd be weird
[16:30] co-worker: ok what about someone at work...u could always proposition someone
[16:30] co-worker: hehe
[16:31] cherie: hmm
[16:31] cherie: who would that be?
[16:31] co-worker: someone in management to get ahead perhaps?
[16:31] co-worker: yup
[16:31] co-worker: [manager name]
[16:31] cherie: he's married
[16:31] co-worker: oh right
[16:31] cherie: he violates my rules
[16:32] co-worker: i think everyone in mgmt is married
[16:32] cherie: yeah i think so
[16:32] cherie: maybe a power lesbian
[16:32] cherie: i havent seen any here though
[16:33] co-worker: haha, that could work too
[16:34] co-worker: but hookin up with someone at work gets complicated
[16:34] cherie: unless u agree that's its just for hookin up
[16:35] cherie: oh really?

[16:41] co-worker: when was the last time you "hit 3rd"...?
[16:41] cherie: hmm
[16:42] cherie: well i guess that would have been in august
[16:42] co-worker: been a while for u
[16:42] cherie: i was in a long-distant type thing
[16:42] co-worker: mine was october
[16:42] cherie: so that meant every few months
[16:42] cherie: with the ex?
[16:42] co-worker: but i'm definitely chompin at the bit for some.
[16:42] co-worker: yup, the ex.
[16:42] cherie: what are you going to do about it?
[16:43] co-worker: find someone to hook up with

The Eternal Pessimist

2007-12-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

Every morning when I log into IM, Shawn and I inevitably have a conversation regarding relationships. Sometimes he tells me about some sexploit of his. Sometimes I start off with how "I'm so over men". But it always ends with a polite disagreement on whether or not I'm being pessimistic toward the idea of finding love or being a realist. I think I'm a realist. Ever since Chris burned me, and I read He's just not that into you, I view dating very differently. As a result I view men differently. I realize now its all a huge game, and the first one that buckles wins. Men love to hunt women and I think in the past, I've ruined the chase by showing them I care too early in the game.

Everytime I meet someone new I want to size them up to see if they are the "one". I know I should just go with the flow but I don't feel like I'm a good dater. I feel like I'm more of a relationship girl. So, I decided to take Shawn's advice and take up e-dating again. I decided to go with Match.com this time because E-harmony is lame. I think I'm doing it more to get used to the idea of dating and apply all the new things I've learned since reading HJNTITY. I also think e-dating does widen the net a bit more. I go out, but I know men find me intimidating, not because I'm so beautiful (I am an attractive girl, not a model by any means), but because I appear confident and a girl who knows what she wants. Which means that there are only two types of guys who hit on me: The super confident guys and the guys who don't have anything to lose. The latter types are the ones I've been with the most. I'm viewing this as a healthy start. I don't expect to find anyone of exceptional value during this match.com experiment, I'm more worried about seeing my co-workers on there and how embarassing thats going to be.

A new attitude

2007-12-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

I had a long talk with my dad today. And it was what I needed. My dad doesn't sugarcoat anything for me. He tells me the cold, hard truth. He told me that I should have never asked the co-worker to lunch. He also said that I shouldn't be upset that my boss irritates me, rather I should get as much knowledge from her as possible without letting her know that I have plans for her job someday. Lastly, he reminded me that my move was primarily motivated by my career. As simple as all these things are, I realize that he's right. I have a perception problem. I'm trying to make a go of my life. I'm determined to not let the fact that I have few people here bother me. I've signed up for a meetup in SF on Saturday. I'm also thinking of starting my own which would be a book club focusing on Latin American authors. As a side note, my photo was selected for inclusion for Schmap's Travel guide to Buffalo. You can see it here, with my full name credited.

It Couldn't Last Forever

2007-12-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

Naturally after a month at my new job and in my new environment, the time would come when my high wore off and my inclination toward pessimism would set in. I don't know if I'm just starting off a shitty week or what, but I came to a few conclusions today.

I don't like the senior designer I work with

The co-worker is just not that into me

San Francisco kinda sucks

Let's start with number 1. My senior designer is almost like a manager and I've been working very closely with her on a few projects. It all started last week when she was 30 minutes late to a meeting and proceeded to waste everyones time while we recapped everything. On Friday, she worked from home and as the supervising designer she is responsible for reading my documents. I sent out a document to meet a deadline at 6pm on Friday night. I waited around for a bit to see if anyone had anything to say. No one did. Today, she asks me some questions about it. "Didn't you read it on Friday" I said. The project was supposed to start being built on Sunday. Her ass should have read it on Friday, like she was supposed to. Obviously she had no real good answer, because the bottom line is that she should have read it. I think I'm going to have a major problem working with her. She irritates the shit out of me. She's a nice person, but I find myself wanting to walk away whenever she wants to talk to me. The co-worker told me that the person whose role I filled left because "she didn't like her manager".

Speaking of the co-worker, I came to the conclusion that he's totally not into me. He doesn't call, text, or IM me at all. Yes, I get I've known him all of three weeks, but if he really was interested in being a friend at least, I feel like he would have made more of an effort. He's attracted to me, that part is clear. I already did my part by inviting him to lunch. So, thats the end of that. Unfortunately, he was the only person outside of my married friend that I know in San Jose.

And speaking of my married friend, I mentioned to her that it is my birthday on Saturday. To which she answered, "What are you going to do?". Nice. So, I guess thats a hint that I'm going to be spending this birthday on my own. No problem, I'm kind of used to doing things on my own. Which brings me to number 3 on the list. So, I thought I would spend the day to myself in San Francisco. Well guess what. I couldn't find shit to do. The SFMOMA looks lame. No captivating Indie flicks to choose from. No interesting theatre performances. Nothing. Fuck SF. They think they have some lively cultural scene, they suck balls compared to the cultural scene in NYC. Which brings me to my next point.

I'm wondering if I should have ever moved here. I know I'm speaking from my emotions right now and I'm not being rational at all. But, I just don't know how I'm ever going to make friends here. It just doesn't seem possible. The meetups aren't as prolific. There aren't a lot of activities for me to participate in. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm all alone again. I guess I really have to face my life alone. Maybe after a couple of years, I will meet some friends. I have no idea. I'm determined to not be depressed this time around. I could feel it wanting to set in.

Earned Arrogance

2007-12-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

It's only arrogance if you're wrong.

Someone recently called me arrogant. I'm not sure that I really am, but when I was talking to a friend recently he referred to himself as having "earned arrogance". He grew up in the foothills of Lake Elsinore, the son of a White Trash family. His brother was in a Vietnamese gang, his mom and dad on and off again alcoholics and drug users. When I would drop him off at his house, there would be police helicopters hovering over his neighborhood looking for convicts. By all means of circumstance, he should have ended up knocking up some ghetto chick and working at the casino. Instead he put himself through school and is now a teacher who is planning on getting a Master's degree soon and go into administration some day. Teaching isn't my thing really, but good for him for doing his thing. He's doing what he always wanted to do. He's educated and has a steady career. So is it okay for him to be proud of his accomplishments and achievements? Yeah.

I think people have this misguided thinking that its bad to feel proud of your achievements. Its not like he's overbearing and throwing it in people's faces like an obnoxious asshole, but really he's come a long way. So, I'm not sure why people think we should all act like its no big deal, because that is denying all the effort it took to get to this place. And that's not fair.

I didn't go to Harvard, and I am the daughter of a lower-middle class family whose parents are smart but didn't really finish school. (Dad did recently though) My parents believe in perserverance and hard work, so paying for my schooling was never an option for me, even if they did have the money. I had to find my own way, and I did. And yes, I consider my life a success. And yes, I feel I have much further to go. And I will. That's the thing about success, its always over there. So, is it wrong of me to say that I'm successful? No. Absolutely not. I make no apologies for myself.

80's Night

2007-12-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went with my married friend and her husband to 80's night in SF. I'm not a huge fan of 80's night in general, because I didn't really listen to that kind of music in the 80's but I figured I would just go and have fun. But what ended up happening, was that my married friends made me feel single. When they were dancing, they were dancing to each other and I became the creepy girl trying to get in on it. I don't think it was intentional, but I sort of felt like I was the extra person and I decided to just sit down and people watch for the rest of the night. Of course, this made them want to sit with me, but I insisted that I just wanted to watch and told them to go "do their thing".

I had this thought while I was sitting there, that I still can't believe I'm single. There's no reason in the world that I should be single. And yet, here I am sitting in the dark corner of the club brooding. I can't help to be slightly angry that someone as awesome as myself is still single. Worse, I've been rejected and dumped by scumbags, as if I wasn't good enough for them. While I was sitting there watching them, I'm still not sure I understand how they got together. They told me they were not physically attracted to each other at first. That they really started off as only friends. I just don't get it. She got herself a great guy. He's hot and he's really funny. I always enjoy being around them, I think he lightens her up a bit. She is definitely Charlotte. On a side note, what's up with 80's night being attended by Goth people?

Red Lightbulb Paranoia

2007-11-29T19:59:00.000-08:00

Many people laugh at my extreme paranoia. I want to take shooting lessons and sleep with a rifle at the foot of the bed. That's too extreme they said. Fine, I'm going to get a taser then. So until I get one, I sleep with a screwdriver at the edge of my mattress. Seriously. I'll stab a fool if he gets in my room. Anyhow, I noticed that last week one of the light bulbs in my porch light was red. It was slightly odd, but I guess I just thought it was some light burning out or something. Well two days ago, all the lights were red. Someone replaced all my light bulbs with red ones. I called my maintence man today to ask him about it and he said, "Someone replaced them. I have no explanation for that, except maybe someone being festive or something." Festive?! Take your fucking festive and give me back my light bulbs! I findthe whole situation creepy as hell. People think I'm crazy huh? This shit only happens to me. I'm going to buy a taser this weekend.

Hot Lunch

2007-11-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

Today started like any other day. I had a 10am meeting with a senior designer and our counterpart in France. The senior designer called to tell me she would be late. Cool. The meeting went well. Until she walked in while we were wrapping up the meeting and asked all sorts of stuff we had already covered. I was so irritated. While I was fuming in my seat, the hot co-worker walked by. We made usual eye contact and smiled. It was then I knew I had to tell him about this. I know no one else would understand as much. So, I went over to his cube and left a post it on his computer asking if he was free for lunch. He emailed me back saying he was and that he had to take care of a few things during lunch and asked if I wanted to come with him. I agreed.

I vented all my frustration. He is part of my team, but deals only with numbers with the directors and managers. So he has no special allegiance to anyone. I asked if I could trust him and he said, "of course, we are friends. you aren't the only one to vent about co-workers." After, I finished my angry diatribe we dropped off his car to be cleaned then ate at a "mexican" fast food type establishment and then went to Target. I really enjoyed talking to him. He's funny. He thinks I'm funny. Best part...he gets high. And like me, he just discovered pot recently. I might be over thinking it, but I'm pretty sure we are on the way to being friends, though I've never been friends with someone I was attracted to...not for long that is. In the past, my guy friends have become something more. I'm anxious to see what becomes of this, because I really like him and his friends. They are a fun group. We talked about how awesome Family Guy is, how fantastic pepperoni is, and other things. He thought it was funny that I got so drunk last week, I asked a cop for directions home (she didn't even know I was wasted!), and peed in some random guy's lawn at 2 a.m. He didn't judge. I've been working at my new job for 3 weeks, and I already have a friend. And he's hot.

Thanksgiving and other Thoughts

2007-11-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

My Thanksgiving weekend went by pretty fast. I flew out on Thursday and hung out with my mom and her fiancee. On Friday, I had beer and good conversation with a friend I haven't seen in 1.5 years. Seeing him made me think about how my life could have gone either way. I could have ended up a baby mama working at the casino. We knew each other during the early part of our 20's until now. We went through our party phase together. Through the Christian phase. And through school together. So much has changed. He's a teacher now. And I'm doing well too. Good for us and all our hardwork. Sometimes I think I am where I am because of the friends I had. I've always had great friends who were down for me and willing to say something if I was going down the wrong path. They were always people I could trust. Moving on...

Saturday, I drove a uhaul through the bowels of California. The farmland where my friend claimed he saw a UFO once. No such luck for me. Just a long, boring drive. Once we got to San Jose, we dropped off the shit and went to SF for the night. We went to a gay bar in Castro which was filled with hot, sweaty-chested fags. Loved it. The next day, we went shopping and I got a new haircut. It was fun. I had been toying with the possibility of maybe moving to the SF area but I just can't see a single-straight girl getting laid there. Its a gay city. I would only want to live there if I had a mate already. I can't handle competing for men against men. Its not a fair fight.

Speaking of men, my friend told me that I need a rich man. To this I said, "But, I don't necessarily want a rich man." And he replied, "Yeah, but its what you need." So, I realize now that I'm that girl. I'm the girl who has only wanted a normal guy to make me laugh and stimulate my mind and gratify all my sexual pleasures. But, somehow I'm just the perfect mix of girl that requires more. Why? Because I'm strong-willed? I make okay money? I have a career? I don't need anyone to look after me. Yet, I secretly know that what he says is true. Most men want someone to look after. Only guys who are more established than I am will have the means to feel like they are looking after me. Sometimes when I see certain girls. I wonder what its like to be like them. To be the kind of girl that isn't threatening or intimidating. I'll never know.

The Co-worker

2007-11-22T02:24:00.000-08:00

So, it turns out I'm not the only one getting over an ex. The co-worker invited me out again this evening. However, I noticed that he spent a lot of time with some random Indian girl that he did not introduce me to. After a couple of hours, he said, "Don't freak out, but my ex-girlfriend is here". WTF? Freak out? Anyhow, we went to another bar, and he said, he wanted to go home and watch some movie. I texted him and told him to tell me what he was watching, to which he responded Ocean's 13 and that he was happy I came out and was apologetic for being "unfun". I have to admit. I'm slightly confused. Initially, I figured he was interested, because he did invite me somewhere, and he is a guy, and typically guys like to bone. But, I sorta started to think he wasn't interested. Until this evening. Why would I freak out? We are only friends....or so I thought. But, it just made me realize that other people are going through shit too. His ex is 21 and he is 28. Enough said. But its only been 2 months, so I'm sure he'd take her back if she agreed. As a rule I don't date guys who have been in recent relationships because I know how that goes. That girl will always have sway. According to his friends, he was really in love with her. I texted him back telling him I understood. Exes are hard. We all have been through it. I'm just stoked I know better. I hope he does...

Life and Beyond

2007-11-20T22:04:00.000-08:00

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections"

I still love my new job. Suddenly people are listening to me. My opinion matters. I hadn't realized how many strong personalities surrounded me in New York. When I spoke, I typically got shot down by someone. In fact, my ideas were sort of filtered before they even made it to marketing. Well, not here. I am my own lead. If I have a vision, its all mine. I have autonomy to see it fleshed out. In a sea of mellow personalities, I am queen.

I've also noticed that my idea of fashion has caught the eye of my co-workers. I walked into the office yesterday wearing nylon leggings and a black lacy dress-type tunic with gray patent leather heels. All the women were unabashedly looking me up and down. I don't know if they were judging so much as they were just wondering what the hell. I admit, that I've been riskier with my fashion choices since I've left New York. I can thank the beautiful Cali weather for that, oh and having a car, so I don't have to worry about comfortable shoes and ruining heels. One of my male co-workers said to me, "You don't have to dress like that. You aren't in New York anymore." True. I think I just like the attention. I've also come to understand, that fashion is more than just clothes, its more of an expression of one's self. I used to buy shit randomly. Now, I'm very careful about the clothes I select to ensure that it embodies the person I am. I'm still defining my style, but I think this is just one more thing that comes with the journey to self understanding.

My life feels surprisingly complete. I say this as I'm sitting on the empty floor of my apartment listening to "Sorry" on my Nano. (Thanks Shawn) I'm not dating anyone and I have a single friend in San Jose. But life is good. As distraught as I was for a day in regards to that Chris situation, I think it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time. I'm so much stronger now than I've ever been. And to quote Madonna, "I've seen it all before, and I can take care of myself."