Matters of Money

Saturday night, my friend, her brother and I caught the Caltrain and went to San Francisco. On the train ride there, I made some off-hand joke about her brother being blue collar. Two days later, I get a call from her saying she has to "get some things off her chest". So, I meet her at the bar and she proceeds to tell me that I've changed and all I do is talk about money. The whole thing was pretty weird for me actually. I've been accused of a lot of things (most of them true) but I've never been accused of being superficial or money obsessed. I pride myself on the fact that I drive a shitty Honda in the valley of BMW's and Lexuses. I'm stoked that I spend $500 less a month on rent than anyone I know and live without a washer and dryer. I do admit to bringing up my fashion game. I definitely spend a lot more on clothes but who cares? I had to remind her of my own meager beginnings as the daughter of a retired Marine and a Bank teller. I had to remind her that most of my friends don't make any money and that I've never judged them as a result. After all of this, she says to me, "You make way more money than I do." To which I responded, "That's your issue, not mine."

After all was said and done, I told her I wouldn't bring up money or class around her again. It won't be hard for me, since I rarely bring it up. I think its mostly her own issues rather than mine. But part of me really doesn't think its fair that I can't talk about what I want to talk about it. It's not my fault she's super sensitive. Whatever.

Costa Rica

I booked my trip to Costa Rica today. My friend and I decided to celebrate her graduation from college by going on a trip. Europe seemed so cliche and I figured I'd round up my Latin America tour by visiting another Latin American country. Our trip includes visiting Arenal, Guanacaste, and Tabacon. I am going for 11 days in mid June. So stoked!

The Value of Failure

I've always been afraid to fail. In fact, I largely attribute my successes as a result of being afraid of failing, rather than enjoying success itself. Recently, there was a design at work that failed miserably during testing. Even though it failed, the design was still approved and is going live very soon. I had the opportunity to re-design it for a couple of projects I was working on. My manager said that we would tag the designs and see which one does better. The old fear of failure starting come back in waves. I fought really hard to redesign this product, and now it was time to see if I was right. One of my managers once told me, "If you wanted to know the right answer, you should go into Math."

Success is kind of a double edged sword. If you don't put yourself out there and take the risk, you'll never know if there is a big payoff. On the other side of that, if you put yourself out there, than you risk being publicly wrong and possibly endure a failure. At the end of the day, I decided that I've had many monumental failures in my life. And from those, I learned priceless lessons. I consider my time in New York City a failure. I failed at almost everything while I was there, and battled depression to boot. Yet, from that failure I learned from the mistakes I made in my career, in my friendships, and learned a lot about who am I am, and more importantly, who I am not.

I am positive that I will endure more failures in my life. I've never been the type to fly under the radar. And that's okay. I know the successes will be much sweeter.

Women in the Workplace

So I found out today that I'm getting "under compensated". The first thing that came to my mind was, "Again?". Fortunately for me, this issue is in the process of getting resolved and it has been conjectured that it was more of a budget issue at the time I got hired then it was being undervalued as an asset. Regardless of the issue, I felt a little shitty as a result. When I called to get my mom's opinion, she simply stated that I was slightly at fault because I have continually underestimated myself. At this point in my career, I agree with her.

This whole issue got me thinking about women in the workplace. On the way home, I was listening to NPR and it just so happened that I caught a program with Arianna Huffington interviewing Cathie Black, Head of Hearst publications. A lot of the issues they talked about were so applicable. Cathie Black spoke about women sitting in the "dead zone" in meetings, and about women needing to speak confidently. She also pointed out how women tend to personalize everything that happens in the workplace. I was so enthralled by the whole conversation that I went online and bought her book Basic Black: The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life). Can't wait.

Moving i

Ever since my house guest moved in, I've been slowly moving in to my apartment. I finally bought a television, a microwave and real plates. I am now adding a sofa to my collection. Its getting delivered in four weeks. Its an American Upholstery sofa sleeper. Its supposed to be the best sofa sleeper on the market. Aside from getting furniture, I've been working a lot, staying late almost every night and doing more work from home. Not much to report really.

The friend's brother

Don't ask me what I'm doing. I have no idea. The friend's brother seems to have fallen in love with me. Or something close. He's super affectionate with me which completely took me off guard. This is someone who is a total bad ass and has established his reputation by being an asshole and the black sheep of his family. It turns out he's actually a softie. True to form, the minute he began to show vulnerability I emotionally turned off. I'm so f'd up. I just can't do it. I don't know how to care about people who seem to like me. I can only care about people who don't. It's so frustrating and so unhealthy. It scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel like I will never have a healthy relationship. I find myself being comfortable in the most unhappiest of situations. I'm scared because I don't want to hurt him and I'm so afraid I will. Its like a switch literally turns off for me. When will I be normal. Will I ever be normal?