The aftermath continues

I awoke to my blaring alarm, with the same headache I went to bed with. Last night I found out that more of my colleagues were let go. I got on facebook and saw one of them with pictures of his family and I lost it. I cried for 10 minutes in Jason's arms. Its difficult to fathom how people with families and sick parents will be able to find another job in this economy. Silicon valley is slowing down, and is being impacted by the overall effects of the economy.

I have survivors guilt, or something similiar. The fact that so many people were let go for various reasons, and the fact that I'm still around makes me feel really guilty. I also feel guilty because some of these people I have been pissed at in the past, and wondered how they even have the job they do. Two of the people I bitched about 3 months ago actually lost their job yesterday. One of them surprised me, the other didn't. My lead was one of these people, and while in the past I haven't always seen eye to eye with him, he always supported me and had my back. He was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and though I had wished he had more balls, he was definitely getting better at his role. He has three kids, a house payment and a wife.

Last night I hung out with another girl whom I've had disagreements with in the past. She and I have had some tense moments, mostly because she was really condescending to me and is one of those people that is difficult to deal with. I had a feeling that if we had more layoffs she would be a victim. It turns out that she had difficulty getting along with others since she was relocated to San Jose. I feel bad for her, because she had only been here for 8 months.

I don't know how layoffs work, but I am told they have nothing to do with performance. I can't say that I agree with that because some of the people let go didn't surprise me. I also think salary was a contributing factor, they let go of someone that I really respect and was doing great things for our company, and I know they did that simply because of his salary.

I do know that everything that mattered to me yesterday doesn't matter to me today. I immediately cut off my cable from the $65 package to the $14 package, and will cut it off completely if I have to. I also cut out the "media package" from my cell phone. I'm wearing a shirt I bought last week with a big bow in front and right now I can't believe I spent $50 on it. I don't feel like wearing an f'ing bow when so many people are getting cut left and right. I feel like I'm going to a funeral. And I'm dreading going to work today. I don't know when my time will come, or if it will, but I was told a few months ago that I was underpaid, for the first time, I actually believe that is to my advantage.