Making mistakes

When I began my career, I had irrational fear of making mistakes. I worried that every time I made a mistake, people would realize that I was not smart or didn't know as much as I should or whatever. At this point in my career, I've been more comfortable with accepting the fact that mistakes happen-in all aspects of my life. I've learned to chalk up those mishaps into learning experiences. I'm also still learning how to suppress my extreme emotions to certain situations. I sort of raised my voice at my project team today when they were not "pointing fingers" but they kind of were. I'm disappointed in myself for raising my voice, but I take this as a learning experience and an action item that I have to avoid next time. I think become more comfortable with the fact that mistakes happen and help you grow in your personal life and in your career. I need to learn to react differently next time, and I'm sure this challenge will present itself again. Especially in my job.

When does life start?

After watching St. Elmo's Fire, a crappy 80's movie in which post grads are forced to grow up and accept life, it made me think of a few things. My dad is asking me when I'm going to buy a house. Quite honestly, I have no idea. When am I supposed to be ready to do these things? I'm no where near saving 10% of any house even if the market is trash. I'm turning 30 this year, and I really don't have any plans or desire to get married or have kids right now. I'm more focused on whether or not I'm going to buy these shoes.

I'm not totally irresponsible, I'm still working on paying off debt I accrued from being super underpaid living in NYC, and the costs incurred when I moved. I'm saving, and paying off debt, but is there a time I'm supposed to feel ready? How do you know when you are?

Keep it to yourself (update)

So, it turns out that I am one of those people that has to get things off my chest, except I prefer to do it semi-anonymously via blogging. It feels so much more gossipy this way. It's like I'm talking shit about someone to their face, except if they don't read my blog they have no idea. Gossip 2.0. I will resume blogging, be prepared for more.

A perception problem

I've come to realize I have a perception problem. I take some things very personally, but its difficult to offend me. Let me explain. I tend to view my workplace as a war zone. I feel that people do not like me, mostly because I feel that people generally do not like me. I grew up a loner and didn't make a lot of friends in school. I have also known people who pretended to like me and didn't like me at all. So I assume people at work don't like me. I also have a tendency to feel that because I get shitty projects, maybe my managers don't think much of me. I'm paranoid that people are talking about me professionally, saying I'm not good at what I do. I don't know how to let this go. I'm pretty sure its paranoia rooted from some professional lack of confidence.

I feel like I'm on this never ending quest to gain respect from the people I work with and I feel like I haven't been given the opportunity. On the same token, I'm worried that if I get the opportunity I will fail. I tell myself that I am good at what I do, and I do believe that deep down. So why is it so hard for me to believe it completely?

Keep it to yourself

So there are a lot of people in the world who subscribe to the "Let it out" and "Tell people how you feel" philosophy. Total bullshit. In most cases all that leads to is hurt feelings and brooding over the conversation. I believe firmly in a non-confrontational approach. Which means that if I have a problem with you, I won't directly tell you, I just won't talk to you for like 6 months. And then I tell you I'm busy when you ask.

I bring this up, because we finally told his sister we are dating. Her reaction wasn't what we expected. She said she knew, that she felt it was weird, but she seemed okay with it. We are suspecting that she isn't okay with it. And I hope she doesn't bring it up with me, because I will unleash the fury. If she's smart she won't say anything to me and learn to deal with it privately. However, she's one of those people that feels she has to say what's on her mind, so I'm doubting it. I hate those people.

The fact is that I don't like her anymore. We don't have much in common, except for maybe some Netflix movies and Frida Kahlo. She confronted me earlier this year saying that all I talk about is money, which I've never recovered from. I wish she hadn't told me that, because now I just think she's stupid. She was pushing off her own non-white collar guilt on me, and that kind of shit I don't like. Additionally, she has that kind of armchair elitism that she thinks makes her a better person. You know the type, the one who makes sure everyone is politically correct or she gets offended, but would never live in a neighborhood that isn't White suburbia. The type that makes sure she corrects someone from saying "Black" to say "African American", yet tells me I'm brave for living downtown, which is where the homeless and the real color is. (All colors, not just one type)

Aside from that, I've invited her over three times and made dinner for both her and her husband. We are talking homemade sangria, enchiladas, guacamole and flan. (homemade). And not once has she invited me over, instead she invites her brother over for dinner. Isn't that some bullshit? I'm so over it. The tough part is that now I'm dating her brother, so its like I have to keep the peace. He agrees with me mostly, he thinks its shitty she hasn't invited me over, and in general doesn't like her high and mighty behavior, but that's his sister. So here I am. Stuck in between.

Ugh.