Rambles

Nov 1, 2007 I posted my last post on my Brooklyn based blog. I've come almost full circle now and with that comes time of self-reflection and interpretation. I haven't been bloggy lately because its time for me to come up with a new direction. I'm no longer "single" and actively being shit on by men. Instead I have a wonderful man in my life that would take a bullet for me, if asked. So, I've decided that this blog will be more about what I'm doing to make myself a better person or something along those lines.

I count myself as lucky because currently I still have a job in a market that kind of sucks, and will continue to suck. Today, American Express announced job cuts, and I worked for an agency whose bread and butter was AMEX. I'm sure this news will impact that agency, and I feel that I fled NYC at the right time. I'm worried about current economic conditions and the future of my current company in some ways. I feel like the world's economic woes are on my shoulders right now. The headlines are more and more depressing each day. I don't have a house or kids, but I can't imagine how people are able to make it in these conditions.

I'm also worried about the elections. If Obama gets elected, will he be assassinated? This seems to be something that is on a lot of people's minds. I'm so angry that I live in a country that is so f'ing petty we've resorted to this. Not that Europe is any better, one doesn't have to look any further than the Paris riots of 2005 to see that racism is the underlying current in Europe and all over the world. I can't even believe people subscribe to this thinking. Personally, I believe its a matter of socioeconomic status, rather than race. But, in a capitalistic society, we have this false believe that everyone has the same opportunities. Bullshit. Its an idealistic philosophy. Those with access to the resources have access to opportunities. Those who are in the poorest slums in America can care less about aspiring to be a writer, because they have more important things to do like stay alive.

I know this is part and parcel of all societies. Not everyone can be at the top. Someone has to mow the grass. Just make sure that person isn't me. This is what it is to be an American. We live in a society that breeds selfishness with no respect for others in our society. That "distribute the wealth" comment made by Obama pissed off a lot of people, because no one feels they should share their hard earnings with someone who they don't feel deserves it. (His quote was taking out of context anyhow) While its true that some people will abuse the system, and they do, there are a lot of people who just don't have the same access and opportunities as the rest of us. I support socialized healthcare and systems because I think as a whole our society benefits. If nothing else, it makes us decent human beings. Is that too much to ask? To be a decent human being to another person? Aren't we in some way paying for it anyways via welfare and social security that none of us will ever get?

Personal Finance

About 4 months ago, I realized that my spending/saving ratio was amiss. Furthermore, I couldn't tell whether or not I was paying down my Amex cards because I dont pay attention. I headed over to Staples and got myself a ledger and wrote down all my bills and how much I pay each month. It was from that day, that I put into practice a few things to help me save and pay down my debt:

1. Automate my direct deposit to my savings account.
2. Write down all my bills, and how much I paid each month.
3. Use a payoff debt calculator at bankrate to figure out how much money I need to pay each month to my highest rate credit card.
4. Sign up to Mint.com to help monitor my personal spending.
5. Stopped using the credit cards.

#5 was not hard for me, because I barely used my credit cards, but when I did, it was in bulk amounts that kept building on y carried debt. Signing up for mint was also helpful, because I saw that I spent $700 in shopping per month. Since I've been committed to paying off debt and saving, my shopping habits have changed.

Now, I go to websites and scoff at paying more than $30 for a shirt. I went to the mall this week and bought an orange sweater for $43. It didn't sit right with me, and I went to Gap and saw an orange sweater for $22. I bought it and returned the other one. That's how cheap I've become. The old me would have insisted on the first sweater because it was more my style. But at the end of the day, orange is orange and a cardigan is a cardigan. Why pay more?

Paying off debt requires a lot of discipline. It means giving up some luxuries, but the end result is the big payoff. I will have one of my credit cards paid off in a couple months, which will put me that much closer to saving that money towards a house.

Family ties

While I was out drinking with one of my laid off work friends and company, Jason was invited over for a "beer" with his sister. Unaware of what was coming, she laid on all the bullshit to him.

1. She's uncomfortable with us having hid our relationship from her for so long.
2. She feels we aren't friends anymore and she's tried so hard!
3. She felt as if the last time she came over, I didn't want her there.

Then she began to cry.
I've been struggling with how to deal with situation now for like 6 months.
Here are the facts as I see them:

1. She's really boring.
2. Ever since she got married, she is void of a personality.
3. She's easily offended and that's really annoying.
4. She is very picky about who she wants to hang out with, so sometimes she'll invite Jason somewhere or just me, and it kind of bugs me. Its like we always have to have 1-1 time.

The reason I haven't confronted her, is because I know how she's going to react. She's going to act all overwhelmed and shit. And quite honestly, how can I tell someone that I think they are boring? I'm with this girls brother, so I kind of have to keep it chill.

I told him, tell her to come talk to me like a big girl. I'll wait to see if she ever does.

The epiphany

e·piph·a·ny
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Last night I put up my resume, and shed more tears. My eyes are bubbly from all the crying and I felt as if someone had died, that's how emotional I was. While I was sleeping, I woke up and I just knew I'm supposed to stay. I looked over my portfolio and was looking at some things I needed to fix and add. I'm also thinking I need buy some webspace again. But, I came to a realization that I am supposed to stay and work here. I will continue to put together my resume and portfolio, because it should always be ready.

Having this insight has brought me a new strength. Now that all the senior people on my team are gone, I am the only one left who can take a leadership role. My other co-worker is in India for a month, and he's worked there about 3 months longer than me, but he's not the leadership type. I realized that I have been taking on the complex projects that our senior person should have been working on but hasn't been for the last 6 months because she was out from illness and family issues. I realize that for the last few months, I've been trying to bring more awareness to our team, and that the seed planted for the presentation was completely my idea. I also realize that for the last 6 months, I have been the cheerleader for our team. Suddenly, I see the myriad of opportunity for me now that the dust has settled.

I also see that I will need to very quickly be ready to take on just about anything that comes my way in terms of projects. We are a small team now, but we work on a lot of projects. I'm going to need to be ready to take everything coming to me and the transitional elements needed to keep our team running. I think its going to be a long dark tunnel ahead, but there could be a silver lining in the end.
I feel like I'm starting to see the edges of it.

Left behind

The second round of bad news came today and more people were let go. Directors, leads, and more people I worked with. Approximately a third of my group was let go, and in my specific team, we went from 6 people to 3. I can't help feeling completely emotional over this. For the last month my team and I were working towards a large presentation to be presented to our larger group. We met once a week to make sure this all came together perfectly, and now it will never see the light of day. I had just started a "Finer things club" with a few of my co-workers, only to find that all of them were let go. I had just become close with a few people only to find that they too were let go. My aisle is gone, only leaving me and one other person. I also found out that I will be getting a new manager (again). Bringing me up to 3 different managers in one year, which matches the previous job. All of these changes are going to be difficult, because I don't see the silver lining yet. I see more work, less support, and a lot of empty desks. With the directors gone, I'm not sure how this will change our role in this company. I'm also really sad that I won't be working with the people I like the most. I'm really scared, and although I updated my resume on Monster, I suddenly feel less confident.

The aftermath continues

I awoke to my blaring alarm, with the same headache I went to bed with. Last night I found out that more of my colleagues were let go. I got on facebook and saw one of them with pictures of his family and I lost it. I cried for 10 minutes in Jason's arms. Its difficult to fathom how people with families and sick parents will be able to find another job in this economy. Silicon valley is slowing down, and is being impacted by the overall effects of the economy.

I have survivors guilt, or something similiar. The fact that so many people were let go for various reasons, and the fact that I'm still around makes me feel really guilty. I also feel guilty because some of these people I have been pissed at in the past, and wondered how they even have the job they do. Two of the people I bitched about 3 months ago actually lost their job yesterday. One of them surprised me, the other didn't. My lead was one of these people, and while in the past I haven't always seen eye to eye with him, he always supported me and had my back. He was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and though I had wished he had more balls, he was definitely getting better at his role. He has three kids, a house payment and a wife.

Last night I hung out with another girl whom I've had disagreements with in the past. She and I have had some tense moments, mostly because she was really condescending to me and is one of those people that is difficult to deal with. I had a feeling that if we had more layoffs she would be a victim. It turns out that she had difficulty getting along with others since she was relocated to San Jose. I feel bad for her, because she had only been here for 8 months.

I don't know how layoffs work, but I am told they have nothing to do with performance. I can't say that I agree with that because some of the people let go didn't surprise me. I also think salary was a contributing factor, they let go of someone that I really respect and was doing great things for our company, and I know they did that simply because of his salary.

I do know that everything that mattered to me yesterday doesn't matter to me today. I immediately cut off my cable from the $65 package to the $14 package, and will cut it off completely if I have to. I also cut out the "media package" from my cell phone. I'm wearing a shirt I bought last week with a big bow in front and right now I can't believe I spent $50 on it. I don't feel like wearing an f'ing bow when so many people are getting cut left and right. I feel like I'm going to a funeral. And I'm dreading going to work today. I don't know when my time will come, or if it will, but I was told a few months ago that I was underpaid, for the first time, I actually believe that is to my advantage.

Black Monday

I live in Silicon Valley, the land of tech giants and brilliant startups. In an economy such as ours, the inevitable time comes when these giants sometimes misstep and suddenly need to re-evaluate their size. Today many of my colleagues were laid off. It was unfortunate and I feel some of the people they let go were completely a mistake. And we all know how this goes, we look at the people and try to figure out if there was an ulterior motive, and in some cases you can see why those people were chosen, and in some cases, you have no idea. Some of these people were very bright intelligent individuals who worked long hours and gave their blood to see the best work was put out. These were people I respected, and in my opinion were helpful in moving our company forward. And while my job is secure for now, who knows about the next round of layoffs?

Generic America

After last night's debate, its clear that Sarah Palin didn't f--k it up. I think the world was waiting for her to make an ass out of herself, which she did not. I personally believe that Sarah Palin has been underestimated. I think she's a bright woman and can find the answers she needs when she needs them. The problem with her performance last night is that she didn't go deep. Her comments were very surfacey and she used a lot of colloquialisms and fillers and gosh darnits. She also came across slightly condescending at times, which I think people would perceive as her being more knowledgeable than she actually is. She also deflected some of the questions in order to continue talking about energy, which really irritated me. I think I pretty much checked out when she said that Biden's wife's "Reward was in heaven" comment. Seriously, that sounded like a dis, a religious dis at that.

In a way, Palin's strategy was brilliant and very effective. Its all about presentation. If you package yourself as someone who is charming and can talk to generic america as if you were having biscuits and gravy over at Katie's place, then you've accomplished half of what you need. The other half--the knowledge of politics is less important. Its the same strategy used by people in job interviews. Present yourself a certain way, and you will get hired. Personality counts. Obama doesn't connect as much with generic america, because he's viewed as an elitist and the cross-section of america did not go to Harvard law school, they want a president who will understand them and issues that are important to them, and Obama can't really forge that connection. I think had he selected Hillary as his running mate, he would have possibly gotten their buy in. Hillary gets generic america. But, we probably would have had an ineffective presidency.

My analysis: Sarah Palin is good enough for generic America. I think all those stupid hicks would totally buy into her winks and smiles and her condescending mannerisms. This bitch doesn't know shit about real politics and anyone with any critical thinking skills can easily see that her mannerisms and vague responses were without real depth. But you can bet your ass gosh darnit, that generic america will vote for her. (wink wink)

Lewd and lascivious acts

Because I am a curious person who likes to always be aware of her surroundings, I occasionally run checks on my local neighborhood. I look up crime statistics on crimereports, and lately I've been searching for sexual offenders at family watchdog, the national sexual offenders registry. Wow. I found approximately 58 offenders within about 2 miles, and 54 non-mapable ones. I guess these are the ones who fell off the grid. I was looking for general rapists, but found what appears to be a whole complex of child molesters one block over. Including someone with a mysterious charge: "Caretaker,lewd or lascivious act with dependent adult" gross and creepy. Though I only saw one rapist of adults one block over, he looked pretty old. So maybe if we met on the street I can run away.

Creativity block

I work in the "creative" profession, sort of. I am on the dryer side of things, especially with my current company. After all my complaints of getting shitty projects, I have now been given the opportunity to make something better. Though I know it will never ever get built, that isn't really the point is it? Or at least I'm not supposed to care if it gets built, just as long as I thought up something cool. So now I have a creative block. I feel as if I haven't designed in such a long time, I don't even know where to start, or what to design. Its akin to having stage fright really. The pressure to perform, which is really only in mind. I think.