The email

Last week on my birthday, an ex emailed me. Not just an ex, but THE ex. The one that made me realize what love was. Long story short, we ended up in a long distance relationship which he terminated just a few months before graduation and my return home. Needless to say, I ended up not moving home, and moving to NYC instead. Probably the best thing that could have happened to me actually. Since we broke up in January of 2006, we hadn't communicated at all.

Then comes the awkward email:

I debated with myself whether or not it would be a good idea to wish you a Happy Birthday. I'm pretty sure its today; but I might be wrong. Anyways, I hope everything is going super for you and that you have a great day.
bye,
-p

I don't get it. I'm sure he was trying to be nice or something, but it kind of ruined my day a bit. I started to think about our times together, and I really couldn't remember too much. I know I was happy, but it was that hollow happiness that you know will go away because I knew he wasn't emotionally strong. I emailed him back a short email saying thank you, and now I think he probably didn't deserve that.

I do subscribe to the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy and I'm happy things turned out the way they did. I have an amazing boyfriend. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life. It took me a long time to get over that guy, but as a result I was able to appreciate a good man when I see one.

And now I'm at a better place in my life. It's almost like exes know when you are over them and they send these emails to try to make sure you don't forget. All it did was remind me of what it used to be like to date someone who wasn't man enough for me.

The problem with forgiveness

Yes Shawn, I'm now blogging about this.

So, a few weeks ago someone I knew like 10 years ago invited me as a friend on facebook. This guy was a douche and someone I can care less about. I had two options: allow him to peek into my fabulous life, or deny him the indulgence. I decided since the last I spoke to him he was an idiot, then why would I change my mind about him. Request denied. Or hidden, in the case of facebook.

So here's the problem. Some argue that I have a problem forgiving people. That is untrue. I have forgiven people when they have acknowledged wrong doing. Or, have interacted with them after the fact and realized they have changed.

If I have wronged someone, I wouldn't dare have the nerve to add them on facebook or any other place for that matter, because quite frankly I would feel guilty about the fact that I may have mistreated them in some way and never said sorry. And in other cases, I apologize when I know I was out of line.

And while my critics claim that I am unforgiving and should just get over it, I say to you, why should people be excused for their unacceptable behavior? Yes, maybe it was 10 years ago, but if that was the last time I interacted with you, my mental map displays an unpleasant view of you. Why would that have changed? Its a case of association. I associate this person with unpleasant experiences. I associate this person with an asshole. So, unless I bumped into this guy at the mall next week and realized he's turned into an amazing person. I can't see why I would change my mind.

Some people in my life has committed what I consider major transgressions. This person was an unloyal friend, and for me that is a cardinal sin because I take my friendships seriously. I'm tired of people acting as if their behaviors don't impact other people. People need to take responsibility for their behavior.

And yes, its just facebook, and yes I have the option to deny. But, its the overall principal of the matter.

And yes, I'm over it, but these kind of things always bug me about social networking.

What will they say about you?

A few weeks ago I had some problems with a girl on my team. I had worked with her previously and also had an unpleasant experience. The last straw was an email thread to the entire team including managers, where she tried to call me out. I committed a cardinal work sin by responding to the entire thread with a subtle email which anyone could read between the lines and see my frustration. This lead to my managers talking to her managers and surprisingly this girl had a squeaky clean record.

Since no one had ever said anything about her before, it was clear her manager thought it was me. My manager then posed the question to me, "What will everyone say about you?". This simple question caught me off guard. Its the kind of question that I feel everyone should be asking themselves all the time in all situations. If you thought about the impressions you leave behind, what would you want people to say about you? Clearly, not everyone will like you. I am concerned with the kind of lasting characteristics that people will respect. I want to be viewed as a person of integrity, good character, loyal, and funny.

In order to find out what people thought of me, I did the hard task of asking my co-workers to tell me honestly if they find me difficult to work with. I prepared myself for the worst, and shockingly, everyone I spoke to said no. The word "opinionated" came up a few times, but never "difficult". It was a good exercise to do to make sure people's perception of you are matching with your own. While its true, some will not tell you what they really think, I asked people who I know would be honest with me.

Aside from the work aspect, I wondered what my friends would say. I also think about those interactions I have with the people I come into contact with in my life like cashiers and food service workers. Am I leaving behind a positive footprint in my daily life? No. But, I can start to think about how I leave impressions on other people. But getting back to the question at hand...

My response to my manager was, "They will say I know my shit".

My twenties: A review

My twenties are officially over and I've accumulated a list of the ten things I learned during the last decade.

• I learned that when I apply myself I can do almost anything I want to do.


• I learned that the work it takes to accomplish a goal is worth more to me than the paper its printed on.


• I learned that making good friends is not easy to do and becomes much harder as you get older.


• I learned that I will probably never live close to some of best friends ever again, so I have to work hard to maintain those friendships.


• I learned that it is all about who you know, and personality counts.


• I learned that sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before finding the right guy, and sometimes he shows up in unexpected ways.


• I learned how to adapt to new and uncomfortable situations.


• I learned how to spend time alone.


• I learned that even if it takes a few years, your ex will always contact you when you are truly over him.


• I finally learned what the saying, "you have to love yourself before you love anyone else" means. It means that people who love themselves don't put up with other people's shit.

Hello 30's.

Rambles

Nov 1, 2007 I posted my last post on my Brooklyn based blog. I've come almost full circle now and with that comes time of self-reflection and interpretation. I haven't been bloggy lately because its time for me to come up with a new direction. I'm no longer "single" and actively being shit on by men. Instead I have a wonderful man in my life that would take a bullet for me, if asked. So, I've decided that this blog will be more about what I'm doing to make myself a better person or something along those lines.

I count myself as lucky because currently I still have a job in a market that kind of sucks, and will continue to suck. Today, American Express announced job cuts, and I worked for an agency whose bread and butter was AMEX. I'm sure this news will impact that agency, and I feel that I fled NYC at the right time. I'm worried about current economic conditions and the future of my current company in some ways. I feel like the world's economic woes are on my shoulders right now. The headlines are more and more depressing each day. I don't have a house or kids, but I can't imagine how people are able to make it in these conditions.

I'm also worried about the elections. If Obama gets elected, will he be assassinated? This seems to be something that is on a lot of people's minds. I'm so angry that I live in a country that is so f'ing petty we've resorted to this. Not that Europe is any better, one doesn't have to look any further than the Paris riots of 2005 to see that racism is the underlying current in Europe and all over the world. I can't even believe people subscribe to this thinking. Personally, I believe its a matter of socioeconomic status, rather than race. But, in a capitalistic society, we have this false believe that everyone has the same opportunities. Bullshit. Its an idealistic philosophy. Those with access to the resources have access to opportunities. Those who are in the poorest slums in America can care less about aspiring to be a writer, because they have more important things to do like stay alive.

I know this is part and parcel of all societies. Not everyone can be at the top. Someone has to mow the grass. Just make sure that person isn't me. This is what it is to be an American. We live in a society that breeds selfishness with no respect for others in our society. That "distribute the wealth" comment made by Obama pissed off a lot of people, because no one feels they should share their hard earnings with someone who they don't feel deserves it. (His quote was taking out of context anyhow) While its true that some people will abuse the system, and they do, there are a lot of people who just don't have the same access and opportunities as the rest of us. I support socialized healthcare and systems because I think as a whole our society benefits. If nothing else, it makes us decent human beings. Is that too much to ask? To be a decent human being to another person? Aren't we in some way paying for it anyways via welfare and social security that none of us will ever get?

Personal Finance

About 4 months ago, I realized that my spending/saving ratio was amiss. Furthermore, I couldn't tell whether or not I was paying down my Amex cards because I dont pay attention. I headed over to Staples and got myself a ledger and wrote down all my bills and how much I pay each month. It was from that day, that I put into practice a few things to help me save and pay down my debt:

1. Automate my direct deposit to my savings account.
2. Write down all my bills, and how much I paid each month.
3. Use a payoff debt calculator at bankrate to figure out how much money I need to pay each month to my highest rate credit card.
4. Sign up to Mint.com to help monitor my personal spending.
5. Stopped using the credit cards.

#5 was not hard for me, because I barely used my credit cards, but when I did, it was in bulk amounts that kept building on y carried debt. Signing up for mint was also helpful, because I saw that I spent $700 in shopping per month. Since I've been committed to paying off debt and saving, my shopping habits have changed.

Now, I go to websites and scoff at paying more than $30 for a shirt. I went to the mall this week and bought an orange sweater for $43. It didn't sit right with me, and I went to Gap and saw an orange sweater for $22. I bought it and returned the other one. That's how cheap I've become. The old me would have insisted on the first sweater because it was more my style. But at the end of the day, orange is orange and a cardigan is a cardigan. Why pay more?

Paying off debt requires a lot of discipline. It means giving up some luxuries, but the end result is the big payoff. I will have one of my credit cards paid off in a couple months, which will put me that much closer to saving that money towards a house.

Family ties

While I was out drinking with one of my laid off work friends and company, Jason was invited over for a "beer" with his sister. Unaware of what was coming, she laid on all the bullshit to him.

1. She's uncomfortable with us having hid our relationship from her for so long.
2. She feels we aren't friends anymore and she's tried so hard!
3. She felt as if the last time she came over, I didn't want her there.

Then she began to cry.
I've been struggling with how to deal with situation now for like 6 months.
Here are the facts as I see them:

1. She's really boring.
2. Ever since she got married, she is void of a personality.
3. She's easily offended and that's really annoying.
4. She is very picky about who she wants to hang out with, so sometimes she'll invite Jason somewhere or just me, and it kind of bugs me. Its like we always have to have 1-1 time.

The reason I haven't confronted her, is because I know how she's going to react. She's going to act all overwhelmed and shit. And quite honestly, how can I tell someone that I think they are boring? I'm with this girls brother, so I kind of have to keep it chill.

I told him, tell her to come talk to me like a big girl. I'll wait to see if she ever does.