Things you shouldn't do with your friend's brother

My roommate and I are getting along famously. In fact we spend almost 100% of our time together. The only time we don't is when we are both at work. We went to Monterey this weekend and we hung out in Cannery Row and went to Mass on Easter Sunday. It's like we are dating, but we aren't. Sunday night we came back from Monterey and we stopped at the store and got two bottles of red wine. We cooked ravioli and watched The Office as we drank wine. Before you know it, he's giving me a foot massage. Yeah, a foot massage is never just a foot massage, anyone who has seen Pulp Fiction knows that. After hours of this, we ended up making out. And then we had sex. It was drunken, half-hard sex. But sex nonetheless.

The next morning I told him, "I think last night was a mistake". To which he responded, "Okay". I thought it was going to be awkward the next day, but it totally isn't. He made me dinner, and we watched South Park while eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. In my heart of hearts, I really do like him. I'd like to think that was just a one-time thing, but I find myself wanting to kiss him sometimes. But on the other hand, I really enjoy our friendship. We laugh, we have fun, we talk about everything and we hang out all the time. I don't want to ruin that. I also don't want to hurt him. I'm pretty sure he'd want to date me if I gave him a chance. I guess we'll see what happens.

The awkwardness.

So it turns out that hooking up with the co-worker was probably a bad idea. I didn't foresee that the awkwardness would ensue from what we didn't do. I had only seen the scenario of me getting what I wanted. So now as a result, my workplace feels a bit like a war zone. There are certain hot spots, like the printer, the kitchen, the cafeteria and of course the bathrooms that are hotbeds for awkwardness. We've been sort of avoiding eye contact ever since the IM incident. I'm hoping that after another week, it will be back to normal, because I won't care anymore. But until then...still awkward.

The Re-org

Our company recently went through a re-org that caused a few layoffs and some other changes. This morning quite a few changes were introduced that directly impacts me. Nothing life changing, except that they made some slight tweaks to my job description. More of an expansion really. They also changed my reporting manager, because the old one has a brand new role. The news isn't bad or anything, but it was just one of those things that puts you in shock for the rest of the day. Our country is in a recession, so its natural that some changes would occur, and I guess I'm lucky I still have a job. I think at this point I should definitely expand my skill set to ensure I will keep it.

Goings on

Today my manager took me and a co-worker aside. I half jokingly said, "Are we in trouble?" We weren't but he told us that a few people had been laid off. We lost a member of our team in fact. I was slightly shocked. This girl had been working there for years. They just hired two new people so I figured those would be the first to go. Our manager assured us that the layoffs were complete, so there shouldn't be any more surprises.

Aside from that, living with my house guest has been a lot of fun. We cook together, do laundry together and we went to Santa Cruz yesterday to walk around the boardwalk. He's a lot of fun and all we do is laugh and talk shit. I have a feeling that he likes me more than just a friend, but I have to admit, its so cool to have a friend. He feels like the first new friend I've had in a long time.

My Guest

For the last week, my friend's brother has been crashing in my living room on a queen size air mattress. Ever since he's been here, I've been up to almost 1:30 am every morning talking to him. I bought a tv and we've been laying out in front of the tv talking about everything. He's like a male version of me. He's so completely opposite from his sister that its hard to believe they are related. I think of his sister as the good angel on my shoulder. She's the type of girl who never does the stupid things I do. She found love fairly early, lost her virginity to him and married him. She doesn't judge anyone and sort of has a "live and let live" philosophy. Her brother on the other hand is like the little devil on the other shoulder. I already ride that line of behaving badly and I can tell this guy would push me over that edge. I can see myself being friends with him if he moves up here. I don't really want a roommate, but I have to admit its been nice having someone else around. It's also nice to have another straight guy friend in my life that's not trying to fuck me.

No regrets.

I had a meeting with my boss today. I've been at my current job for 5 months. A few weeks after I had joined, it was time to set goals and get reviewed. Since I hadn't been there very long, I hadn't expected to get a real review. But I did. My boss gave me a full review based on my performance so far. And let me tell you, it was the best review I have ever had. On top of that, I got a raise and 122 more shares of stock. I was really surprised. In fact, our conversation was very much in the direction of "performing at the next level" which means that my boss might be feeling that I am in the direction of a promotion. Its nice to feel appreciated. My boss told me that he had hoped that he felt that me moving my life across the coast was worth it, and that I had no regrets about my decision. On the contrary, it was the best decision for my career and my sanity. I don't regret a thing.

The truth

So my ego is a bit bruised because I put my pussy right on the co-worker's platter and he basically said, "maybe later". I have to be honest here. I've always been a weak girl when it came to men. I've never really had the nerve to say no or to tell some guy to fuck off. Not since past the age of 17. I've been locked into unhappy situations for months and years because I didn't have the balls to just get up and leave, rather I droned on in a meaningless relationship, even pretending that I was in love and in one case, was even ring shopping for our future "engagement". The whole time I didn't even love the guy. I just didn't know how to leave.

I had hoped that I had learned something. I had hoped that I would have the strength to leave a situation I wasn't happy in. And even after the co-worker sort of dissed me, I don't know if I'm going to have the balls to walk away, and thats the honest truth. I'm ashamed to even admit this. I want so badly to be that bitchy girl that steps all over men and doesn't give a fuck. And lord knows I've had my fair share of being treated like crap, and yet in my heart of hearts I still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I hate it. I hate that I can't just pick myself up and walk away. I hate that I'm even sitting here writing about it. Its a no-brainer, and yet I continue to settle for the crappiest situations. I never even wanted a fuck buddy. And yet here I am 5 months later in the middle of situation I didn't even want to be in at all. I just wanted to be this guy's friend. That was it.

I don't know why these things are so hard for me. But, I think I probably should continue to see a therapist, turns out I'm still making bad decisions when it comes to men, and I don't want to do that anymore.

Over it.

As a single girl I have needs. These needs have to be met in some way, and preferrably not with some random stranger. Up until today, I was hoping the co-worker would be the guy to help me with these needs. Unfortunately, I'm scheduled into his time and not mine. We hookup once a month, every three weeks. Today, I thought I would try to lessen that time to 2 weeks. I IM'd him with this message: "I want to fuck. When will this happen." He responded: "I'm on a call. Hang on." After 15 minutes, he said, "Hey, I've been busy, but soon." To which I responded, "What do you mean soon?" and to which he signed off of IM.

So I'm left slightly confused and completely frustrated. From the beginning I thought this fucker wanted to have sex, turns out he doesnt(?). Or he does, but on his time and on his terms. The worst part about this is that the whole reason I pursued the "fuck buddy" thing was to avoid the drama of another person. Don't get it wrong, this isn't about me having feelings, this about me wanting to be physical with another person when I want it. Not just on his time. I had hoped that this was just a hookup and go sort of situation, and now I'm left wondering if maybe I'm not sexy enough, or why doesn't he want it, is it because he's seeing someone? Its total bullshit. Needless to say, when he signed off of IM in the middle of our convo, its the equivalent of hanging up on me. So, at this point I think I just need to find a different fuck buddy. Though, I'm not real sure how to go about that..

Mexico City: Post Mortem

In case you were wondering, Mexico City was awesome. I'm seriously thinking of going back in a couple of months to see the pyramids. I feel like my life isn't complete until I've seen them, climbed them and perhaps I've sacrificed a virgin there.

Aside from sightseeing, when you travel with your business associates, naturally your conversations deviate from business. One of the men I was traveling with was a man in his 40's or 50's. Our UK partner was around my age, young and vibrant and happy to be single. We talked about how great it was to not worry about having a guy in our life. Then, the business associate said to us, "My advice to you is not to wait. Find a rich, geeky man and let him buy you everything." We were floored. This advice was coming from a man. He told me that the ground was fertile in Silicon Valley and that I have great odds of finding a young, rich, geek. In fact, he told me where to go, "An ice cream shop in Mountain View, that's where the Google employees hang out."

Needless to say, he got us single girls thinking. We started to feel like maybe we should start looking before it gets too late. After all, I have dated the men with drama, kids, an ex-wife and a broken heart. By the time I'm knee-deep in my 30's I'll have my pick of men who have lost hope in love and are looking for a companion when I'm still looking for love. The problem for me is that his strategy is a little gold diggerish. I've never been that way. The other problem is that I can definitely see myself marrying the man with the great job, who makes great money and treats me good, but yet, I know I won't be satiated, and I'll end up cheating with someone like the co-worker who ignites that sexuality I'm missing in my marriage.

His strategy is worth a thought however. I'm sure boobies go along way out here.

Mexico City

When I found out I was going to get the opportunity to visit DF, I thought I would like it, I didn't expect to love it. Yesterday, our work ended early and we had the opportunity to go to Zócalo for lunch. We walked around and I was overwhelmed by the beautiful architecture of the area. We then entered the Palacio Nacional, home to some of Diego Rivera's murals. Looking at the murals brought out an emotional reaction I hadn't expected. "Epic of the Mexican People in their Struggle for Freedom and Independence" was nothing short of amazing. I hadn't expected to like Diego Rivera as much as I like Frida, but after seeing these beautiful murals it was difficult to compare. Afterwards we had lunch at a small cafe tucked in between music shops and clothing stores. I had enchiladas rojas and they were great. But, I don't feel like the food was more "Mexican" than anything I have had before. Maybe I need to visit the interiors of Mexico, but I found the food to be very good, and very much on par with all other types of Mexican food I've ever eaten.

Today, we ventured out to the Bazaar del Sabado, an area in San Angel which is filled with artisans and unique gifts. It was very cool. I bought myself a beaded Mexican shirt that feels like it weighs like 3 pounds. It's not the typical embroidered shirt which is why I like it. I also bought myself a gold ring with a square blue lapiz in the middle. We spent like 3 hours looking at stuff. We then ate Marlin tacos at the restaurant there, and ventured off to Frida Kahlo's house.

Frida had a beautiful house, and I was touched by the personal photographs and poems that were presented. I have no doubts that her and Diego were in love with other each other from seeing their personal correspondence and photographs. I had hoped to see some of her art, but I guess I'll have to wait for her exhibition at SF MOMA in June.

Afterwards, we ventured into some ghetto part of Mexico that was home to Museo de Diego Rivera Anahuacalli. It wasn't quite what I expected, but it was cool. It is the home of Diego Rivera's personal collection of art. He never accepted fees for his work but asked for artifacts instead. As a result, he had tons of Pre-Hispanic artifacts representing the Olmecs, Mayans, Aztecs, and other indigenous people of Mexico. The museum itself is housed in a replica of one of the pyramids in Teotihuacan.

I came back to my hotel and had some sushi and red wine at the roof top bar. Alone. It was awesome.