Sunday, March 9, 2008

The truth

So my ego is a bit bruised because I put my pussy right on the co-worker's platter and he basically said, "maybe later". I have to be honest here. I've always been a weak girl when it came to men. I've never really had the nerve to say no or to tell some guy to fuck off. Not since past the age of 17. I've been locked into unhappy situations for months and years because I didn't have the balls to just get up and leave, rather I droned on in a meaningless relationship, even pretending that I was in love and in one case, was even ring shopping for our future "engagement". The whole time I didn't even love the guy. I just didn't know how to leave.

I had hoped that I had learned something. I had hoped that I would have the strength to leave a situation I wasn't happy in. And even after the co-worker sort of dissed me, I don't know if I'm going to have the balls to walk away, and thats the honest truth. I'm ashamed to even admit this. I want so badly to be that bitchy girl that steps all over men and doesn't give a fuck. And lord knows I've had my fair share of being treated like crap, and yet in my heart of hearts I still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I hate it. I hate that I can't just pick myself up and walk away. I hate that I'm even sitting here writing about it. Its a no-brainer, and yet I continue to settle for the crappiest situations. I never even wanted a fuck buddy. And yet here I am 5 months later in the middle of situation I didn't even want to be in at all. I just wanted to be this guy's friend. That was it.

I don't know why these things are so hard for me. But, I think I probably should continue to see a therapist, turns out I'm still making bad decisions when it comes to men, and I don't want to do that anymore.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i have just resigned myself to the reality that i will never make good decisions when it comes to guys. it is what it is. im better off not having one in my life. its just that simple.