A year in review: 2007

2006 was the year I started my life. 2007 will end as the year that I took control of my life. I made some monumental changes, mostly near the end of 2007. As a result of accepting my new position with one of the largest .com's ever, I had to move to the West coast after living on the East coast for 3 years. I'm glad I didn't stay in New York. Every day I was there I felt constricted and confined. I can't explain it exactly. But, NYC and I didn't mix so well. Before I left, I was feeling almost lethargic and hopeless. I took a risk in moving my "life" across the coast to a place I never lived. But, thats what life is about-seizing opportunities.

Working for my new company has its own challenges. The process is much different but I have a lot more responsibility and my manager is completely hands off. For me, this means that he trusts me completely to come up with the right solutions. Each and every day I'm convinced I made the right decision for my career. Sometimes I'm not sure how a state school girl got into a first class company in Silicon Valley, but I try to ignore the middle-class guilt that sometimes plagues me.

This year will also go down in history as the year I grew up. The silly days of me falling in love with the wrong men are over. I think Chris really nailed that fact right into my heart. That fucker hurt me real bad. The realization that my well-being cannot afford to be put through the blender like that was a monumental moment for me. The situation which was seemingly nothing to most outsiders looking in, was actually very emotional for me. I was lead on almost the entire time. But, like everything else in life, I'm sure there is some reason for this too. I learned what I needed to learn from that and I'm going to be more cautious in the future about guarding my heart.

In addition to being the year I grew up, this will be also be the year that I learned about myself. I lived in New York alone. I moved there with no one and for the most part didn't have any friends. I spent a lot of time alone. I went to restaurants, museums, plays, and movies alone. In a way, being alone contributed to my depression, but I like to view it as part of my journey. I sort of realized who I was and who I wasn't. I also realized that I preferred hanging out alone over the people I met in NYC. Being alone isn't so bad, especially for a self-centered person like myself. Being alone means I get to always do what I want to do without listening to the complaints of others.

All in all, there were some ups and downs this year. But, I think the year ended on a good note for me. I'm thinking next year will be good too. Things will be good for you all too. Happy New Year!

Re-evaluations

During my trip, I got the chance to see glimpses of other people's relationships. I saw a cross-section of Chris and his girl. I heard the woes of both my ex-boyfriend, and the Native dude. I see my mom and her fiancee. After seeing these different relationships of convenience, I think I'm starting to see a pattern. Most people are not happy in relationships. I know its a small sample size from suburbia but it seems that most people are in relationships so they won't be alone. I have a few married friends, and I'm not convinced they are happy either. Maybe the newlyweds, but life hasn't really happened for them yet. So I'm starting to re-evaluate some things.

Native Friend

About 10 years ago, I worked for an Indian casino in my hometown. Locked in a tiny room with 20 other people, I counted money that flowed through the casino. I started dating one of my Native American co-workers for a few months. He wasn't receiving any bonus or monthly per capita at the time. He was a poor Indian. We never really made out, and we didn't have sex at all. After a few months we stopped dating and awkwardness in the workplace ensued. When I quit, we lost contact.

Yesterday for the first time in 10 years, I saw him. He picked me up in his new Range Rover and took me to his 4 room track home in my hometown. He moved out of the reservation and has a really nice house overlooking the mountains. He gave me the grand tour of his house which had a plasma tv in every room ranging from 36 inches to 65. He had a pool table, and outdoor barbeque, a small pool and two tiny chihuahuas. I felt like I was on MTV Cribs. He doesn't work anymore, so he spends his days bowling, golfing, getting more tattoos and home improvement projects. While I was there, he smoked me out which was awesome, since I have a new love for pot.

I've always found him to be a pleasant person, and it was nice to know he was still the same. Except now he's rich. I got the sense he was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend of five years soon, and he worried about girls wanting him for his money, which is completely valid. I never got the sense he was hitting on me, which was nice. It felt like I was talking to an old friend and it was real cool.

All I want is love

After the second date with the Englishman, I decided to text him and ask him to meet with me. The idea was to have a real chat with him about my bizarre behavior. I wanted to make sure he understood that I have my guard up as a result of recent heartbreak. When he didn't respond, I left him a voicemail. Still no response. That was like 3 days ago. Apparently he's super busy. But when I was on match.com yesterday I saw he was "Online Now". So apparently he's too busy being on match and not responding to me. I'm chocking this one up to a loss. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him anyway.

After seeing Chris with his chick, I'm starting to think I'm the only person (aside from Shawn) that will never be in love again. Or be loved at all. After I saw Chris, we went to another bar and I hung out with one of my exes last night from high school the first guy that taught me about painful relationships. He's been extremely apologetic to me for the way he treated me, he regrets everything that happened between us and still claims to love me. When the four of us were sitting at Denny's he started to cry again in front of everyone about the way things ended between us. No amount of apologies or tears can take back how he treated me. Though, I'm thankful that he finally recognized my value. When will someone recognize it now? When will I get the guy?

Small time life

I'm in my hometown for the holidays. Last night I wanted to go "bar hopping" in this shithole. My friend and I went to an Irish pub-the only decent place in this area. Well, I should have known what would happen. It was midnight and I thought we were cool, until I caught sight of Chris's brother. And a few seconds later saw Chris with his new girlfriend, the stupid bitch who emailed me on myspace. The fucking girl is still with him! After all that shit. When I saw him, my heart dropped. For a second I freaked out. Then, I went up to him and he tried to hug me. I pushed him away from me and then he said, "how are you?" I said, "great" with the most sarcasm I could muster. "Is this your girlfriend" I said. "Yeah, its Pam". And then he went on hugging her. She was completely unaware of the convo, b/c she was facing the band. After that I just walked away and left. But, its okay. I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be.

An ipod for Christmas

Sometimes I forget that I work in the valley of the .coms. And sometimes I forget that I work for one of the goliaths of the .coms. Until today. We had a holiday party and everyone got a Dr. Seuss book "Going Places" and an iPod Nano (8gb). I'm thankful to work for a place that treats their employees well. Its the perfect relationship.

An Evening of Chastity

Tonight I went out with the Englishman again. We had dessert and coffee and discussed photography, facebook, software engineering, anxiety, and Portishead. I like talking to him thats for sure. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him though. Maybe I'm worrying to much about it. I've decided I'm going to see where it goes even if I don't feel an immediate desire to fuck him senseless. How long does it take to determine if he's just a friend or not? When our evening concluded, he gave me a smooch on the lips and of course, I was tense. He said, "You are so chaste." I said, "Really?" to which he replied, "You are afraid I'm going to try to stick my tongue down your throat" and I said "Well aren't you?" I then explained to him that I have to go slow. He said, "Its okay".

It made me feel good to hear him call me chaste. I just feel like I need to take my time and I'm not sure why. I feel like someone is holding a full-length mirror in front of me and suddenly I can see all the emotional pain that has been inflicted on me through the years. Its this emotional pain that prohibits me from wanting to be physical with him I think. It just feels like too much to have someone who I like talking to want to move to that next level with me. Whereas in the case of the hot co-worker, I know its just physical and although I like him as a person, I know exactly what to expect and it isn't much.

At this point, I've decided to listen to my friend Greg. He said that my problem is that I like "pretty boys" who tend to be asses. He told me that I should give the "average joes" a chance and after a time, I'll realize I'm in love with them. There's probably a lot of truth in what he says. Lately, I've been hung up on looks and immediate sexual attraction. Maybe its time I grow up.