Tonight I went out with the Englishman again. We had dessert and coffee and discussed photography, facebook, software engineering, anxiety, and Portishead. I like talking to him thats for sure. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him though. Maybe I'm worrying to much about it. I've decided I'm going to see where it goes even if I don't feel an immediate desire to fuck him senseless. How long does it take to determine if he's just a friend or not? When our evening concluded, he gave me a smooch on the lips and of course, I was tense. He said, "You are so chaste." I said, "Really?" to which he replied, "You are afraid I'm going to try to stick my tongue down your throat" and I said "Well aren't you?" I then explained to him that I have to go slow. He said, "Its okay".
It made me feel good to hear him call me chaste. I just feel like I need to take my time and I'm not sure why. I feel like someone is holding a full-length mirror in front of me and suddenly I can see all the emotional pain that has been inflicted on me through the years. Its this emotional pain that prohibits me from wanting to be physical with him I think. It just feels like too much to have someone who I like talking to want to move to that next level with me. Whereas in the case of the hot co-worker, I know its just physical and although I like him as a person, I know exactly what to expect and it isn't much.
At this point, I've decided to listen to my friend Greg. He said that my problem is that I like "pretty boys" who tend to be asses. He told me that I should give the "average joes" a chance and after a time, I'll realize I'm in love with them. There's probably a lot of truth in what he says. Lately, I've been hung up on looks and immediate sexual attraction. Maybe its time I grow up.