Resolutions: 2009 Review

Every year, we all claim that we will do a bunch things that we fail to carry out. At the end of each month I'm going to review my resolutions and see if I actually fulfilled or made any progress toward fulfilling them.

1.Commit to a healthy and active lifestyle.
I have started a new schedule which has been working out for me. I've tried (and failed) to go to the gym after work, which leaves me hungry and tired. So, my new thing is that I wake up with Jason at 6:00 am, and he drops me off at the gym at 6:30 am and I work out before work.

This routine has been shockingly fantastic. I get to work much earlier than I used to, I leave earlier as well and I feel great. Jason and I also do something active each weekend running, or hiking or something.

2.Pay off my debts.
I've paid off one of my credit cards, and still figuring out whether I should focus on building up my savings at this point. I've put the kibosh on the shopping until I've reached x amount in my savings.

3.Cook more often.
I create menus on Sunday, and do all of our shopping on the weekend to make sure we have all the ingredients on hand. Jason bought this book for $5 at Barnes and Noble and it has been amazing. Mediterranean food is great for you and most of our cooking is from this book and another Spanish cookbook we have. We have been rocking this goal.

We also agreed that for Valentine's day instead of going out, we are going to cook a roasted chicken with Mediterranean vegetables, and I will make dessert and Sangria. Cooking is hot!

4.Pick up a hobby.
Does facebooking count? Otherwise, still haven't done this.

5.Read more often.
My resolve is to read at least 1 book a month. January's book was "Under the Banner of Heaven" a book Stacey recommended. Last night I picked up "Brooklyn Follies" which I got at the local library.

Conclusion:
January has been very steady in supporting all of my resolutions. I'm off to a great start!

Shitty economy

No bonus payouts, no raises, and possibly no promotions. I guess I should be lucky I have a job and do a lot of saving this year.

New blog and 43 year olds

I wanted to let you all know that I've started a new blog. I will be maintaining both blogs, this one will continue to be focused on my personal life and all my ramblings. The other blog will be focused on design in multiple facets. Mostly UI design, interaction design, typography and just plain anything that is related to design in the workplace. If you are interested feel free to bookmark/subscribe to that one too. To other things...

A few weeks ago a guy at my work started up a conversation with me. Small talk really, but then he followed up with an email saying that he was "stalking" me or something. The following week he asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I thought this guy was gay at first, but he told me he was married with 2 kids. He then told me he was 43 years old. After we got back to the office, he kept IMing me and then left his phone number and said "text me". I thought it was kind of odd, and I just ignored him.

Last week in Omaha, he sent me an email asking me how I was doing and we had a short email exchange. On Friday he sent me a few emails and then told me to call him because he wanted to hear about my trip. I find the whole thing a bit weird, but I decided to call him because it was the second time he told me to, and I kept thinking that he's just a co-worker, no big deal. I called him and we had like a 2 minute conversation and I hung up. On Saturday, he texted me and it kind of seemed just a tiny bit flirty.

So, here's the question...is this appropriate? This guy is married with 2 kids, and though I have a few co-workers that are married that I text, its usually doesn't feel like this. I can't tell if this guy genuinely wants to be a friend or if he's interested in more. I've been guilty of being naive in the past, so I really can't tell. What do you think?

The Dolce & Gabanna tote

Yesterday, I went to the mall. The mall in San Ho is pretty large and the Nordstrom is just right. Yesterday in the "bargain" bin at Nordstrom, was an extra large patent leather Dolce & Gabanna tote. This tote retailed for $1050, but was marked down to $503.90. When I saw it, I immediately fell in love with it. Typically before I make a large purchase like that, I like to spend overnight thinking about it. I also went on all my usual online haunts to see if I could find it cheaper. I couldn't find it all. So, this afternoon around 12:15 I decided I had to have it. I reasoned with Jason saying that I could test my newly found discipline by putting it on my Amex (the one I just paid off) and paying for it immediately with my next paycheck. I made a deal with him saying that I would not buy another bag for 1 whole year.

Next thing you know, I fumbled through my old mail to find my new Amex card to activate, because the old one was expired. We hopped into his car in our gym clothes (because we were supposed to go to the gym) and drove over to Nordstrom, unshowered and unmatching. I was like a junkie in need of a fix. We get over the bargain bin, and there was my bag, gleaming like a pearl amongst the Orly Kierlys and Marc Jacobs bags. I picked it up and put it on my arm and marched over to the mirror. It didn't look as shiny as I remembered. It also didn't have any D&G markings. So here's the thing, I have a $35 Marshall's bag right now that I get compliments on all the time. It always surprises me because its the cheapest bag I own. I'm no label whore, but if I'm buying a $500 tote bag, that shit better be saying something about how much it cost. A strategically placed D&G would have done it. But, lucky for my wallet, it didn't say a thing on the outside, and frankly I just don't have enough money to be okay with that.

I put it back and didn't see anything else that I wanted. I marched out of that store with all my money and didn't spend a penny. I had won the battle with Jason's help. He told me later that I had reminded him that blond chick from MTV's True Life: I'm a compulsive shopper. On the way out of the mall, I did stop at Godiva to indulge myself with a dark chocolate almond bark. Can't win them all I guess.

1 down, 2 more to go

I paid off one of my credit cards today! I'm so glad. Now just 2 more to go...Also, I'm sort of worried about more layoffs, and I make enough to save and to spend and to pay off my credit cards, but I'm wondering if I should back off paying off the other 2 and put that money into savings. Everything I've read on the subject matter seems to indicate no, but what if I do get laid off and I end up running up my credit cards again because I didn't have enough in savings? Any thoughts?

Resolutions: 2009

Every year I claim that I will start a hobby. Last year it was decoupage. So, this year, I'm still trying to find my "thing". Sometimes I feel that I'm always on the search to find my "thing" in life. Anyhow, these are my goals:

1. Commit to a healthy and active lifestyle.
   

   I have weight to lose, and I think I've been coming to terms with the fact that my body isn't what it used to be. It takes longer to lose weight, and I have to be more cautious with what I eat. So, this year I will try to really focus on a healthy lifestyle.



2. Pay off my debts.
   

   I'm on my way to release the hold that debt has on my lifestyle. Luckily, I make enough to pay my debts off and still save money, but with an uncertain economy, its becoming more important for me to have a bigger savings and not accountable for any unnecessary bills.



3. Cook more often.
   

   I cook pretty often as it is. I do however, want to cook healthier food. I've gotten really lazy about cooking my own food and have resorted to pastas, which I normally don't like to do. This year I want to create my own enchilada sauce, my own marinara sauce and make my own hummus. I want to have my own collection of signature recipes.



4. Pick up a hobby.
   

   I'm still looking for a hobby. I'd like to grow my own vegetables, but we don't have a place for that here. I was interested in maybe a community garden or something like that, because I like the idea of growing my own vegetables for cooking. I'm still interested in learning to salsa, or sewing. I'm going to keep searching for that hobby.



5. Read more often.
   

   Just because I don't have an hour commute on the train is no excuse to stop reading, but for some reason I have. So, I'm going to try to read at least 12 books this year.

The email

Last week on my birthday, an ex emailed me. Not just an ex, but THE ex. The one that made me realize what love was. Long story short, we ended up in a long distance relationship which he terminated just a few months before graduation and my return home. Needless to say, I ended up not moving home, and moving to NYC instead. Probably the best thing that could have happened to me actually. Since we broke up in January of 2006, we hadn't communicated at all.

Then comes the awkward email:

I debated with myself whether or not it would be a good idea to wish you a Happy Birthday. I'm pretty sure its today; but I might be wrong. Anyways, I hope everything is going super for you and that you have a great day.
bye,
-p

I don't get it. I'm sure he was trying to be nice or something, but it kind of ruined my day a bit. I started to think about our times together, and I really couldn't remember too much. I know I was happy, but it was that hollow happiness that you know will go away because I knew he wasn't emotionally strong. I emailed him back a short email saying thank you, and now I think he probably didn't deserve that.

I do subscribe to the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy and I'm happy things turned out the way they did. I have an amazing boyfriend. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life. It took me a long time to get over that guy, but as a result I was able to appreciate a good man when I see one.

And now I'm at a better place in my life. It's almost like exes know when you are over them and they send these emails to try to make sure you don't forget. All it did was remind me of what it used to be like to date someone who wasn't man enough for me.

The problem with forgiveness

Yes Shawn, I'm now blogging about this.

So, a few weeks ago someone I knew like 10 years ago invited me as a friend on facebook. This guy was a douche and someone I can care less about. I had two options: allow him to peek into my fabulous life, or deny him the indulgence. I decided since the last I spoke to him he was an idiot, then why would I change my mind about him. Request denied. Or hidden, in the case of facebook.

So here's the problem. Some argue that I have a problem forgiving people. That is untrue. I have forgiven people when they have acknowledged wrong doing. Or, have interacted with them after the fact and realized they have changed.

If I have wronged someone, I wouldn't dare have the nerve to add them on facebook or any other place for that matter, because quite frankly I would feel guilty about the fact that I may have mistreated them in some way and never said sorry. And in other cases, I apologize when I know I was out of line.

And while my critics claim that I am unforgiving and should just get over it, I say to you, why should people be excused for their unacceptable behavior? Yes, maybe it was 10 years ago, but if that was the last time I interacted with you, my mental map displays an unpleasant view of you. Why would that have changed? Its a case of association. I associate this person with unpleasant experiences. I associate this person with an asshole. So, unless I bumped into this guy at the mall next week and realized he's turned into an amazing person. I can't see why I would change my mind.

Some people in my life has committed what I consider major transgressions. This person was an unloyal friend, and for me that is a cardinal sin because I take my friendships seriously. I'm tired of people acting as if their behaviors don't impact other people. People need to take responsibility for their behavior.

And yes, its just facebook, and yes I have the option to deny. But, its the overall principal of the matter.

And yes, I'm over it, but these kind of things always bug me about social networking.

What will they say about you?

A few weeks ago I had some problems with a girl on my team. I had worked with her previously and also had an unpleasant experience. The last straw was an email thread to the entire team including managers, where she tried to call me out. I committed a cardinal work sin by responding to the entire thread with a subtle email which anyone could read between the lines and see my frustration. This lead to my managers talking to her managers and surprisingly this girl had a squeaky clean record.

Since no one had ever said anything about her before, it was clear her manager thought it was me. My manager then posed the question to me, "What will everyone say about you?". This simple question caught me off guard. Its the kind of question that I feel everyone should be asking themselves all the time in all situations. If you thought about the impressions you leave behind, what would you want people to say about you? Clearly, not everyone will like you. I am concerned with the kind of lasting characteristics that people will respect. I want to be viewed as a person of integrity, good character, loyal, and funny.

In order to find out what people thought of me, I did the hard task of asking my co-workers to tell me honestly if they find me difficult to work with. I prepared myself for the worst, and shockingly, everyone I spoke to said no. The word "opinionated" came up a few times, but never "difficult". It was a good exercise to do to make sure people's perception of you are matching with your own. While its true, some will not tell you what they really think, I asked people who I know would be honest with me.

Aside from the work aspect, I wondered what my friends would say. I also think about those interactions I have with the people I come into contact with in my life like cashiers and food service workers. Am I leaving behind a positive footprint in my daily life? No. But, I can start to think about how I leave impressions on other people. But getting back to the question at hand...

My response to my manager was, "They will say I know my shit".

My twenties: A review

My twenties are officially over and I've accumulated a list of the ten things I learned during the last decade.

• I learned that when I apply myself I can do almost anything I want to do.


• I learned that the work it takes to accomplish a goal is worth more to me than the paper its printed on.


• I learned that making good friends is not easy to do and becomes much harder as you get older.


• I learned that I will probably never live close to some of best friends ever again, so I have to work hard to maintain those friendships.


• I learned that it is all about who you know, and personality counts.


• I learned that sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before finding the right guy, and sometimes he shows up in unexpected ways.


• I learned how to adapt to new and uncomfortable situations.


• I learned how to spend time alone.


• I learned that even if it takes a few years, your ex will always contact you when you are truly over him.


• I finally learned what the saying, "you have to love yourself before you love anyone else" means. It means that people who love themselves don't put up with other people's shit.

Hello 30's.

Rambles

Nov 1, 2007 I posted my last post on my Brooklyn based blog. I've come almost full circle now and with that comes time of self-reflection and interpretation. I haven't been bloggy lately because its time for me to come up with a new direction. I'm no longer "single" and actively being shit on by men. Instead I have a wonderful man in my life that would take a bullet for me, if asked. So, I've decided that this blog will be more about what I'm doing to make myself a better person or something along those lines.

I count myself as lucky because currently I still have a job in a market that kind of sucks, and will continue to suck. Today, American Express announced job cuts, and I worked for an agency whose bread and butter was AMEX. I'm sure this news will impact that agency, and I feel that I fled NYC at the right time. I'm worried about current economic conditions and the future of my current company in some ways. I feel like the world's economic woes are on my shoulders right now. The headlines are more and more depressing each day. I don't have a house or kids, but I can't imagine how people are able to make it in these conditions.

I'm also worried about the elections. If Obama gets elected, will he be assassinated? This seems to be something that is on a lot of people's minds. I'm so angry that I live in a country that is so f'ing petty we've resorted to this. Not that Europe is any better, one doesn't have to look any further than the Paris riots of 2005 to see that racism is the underlying current in Europe and all over the world. I can't even believe people subscribe to this thinking. Personally, I believe its a matter of socioeconomic status, rather than race. But, in a capitalistic society, we have this false believe that everyone has the same opportunities. Bullshit. Its an idealistic philosophy. Those with access to the resources have access to opportunities. Those who are in the poorest slums in America can care less about aspiring to be a writer, because they have more important things to do like stay alive.

I know this is part and parcel of all societies. Not everyone can be at the top. Someone has to mow the grass. Just make sure that person isn't me. This is what it is to be an American. We live in a society that breeds selfishness with no respect for others in our society. That "distribute the wealth" comment made by Obama pissed off a lot of people, because no one feels they should share their hard earnings with someone who they don't feel deserves it. (His quote was taking out of context anyhow) While its true that some people will abuse the system, and they do, there are a lot of people who just don't have the same access and opportunities as the rest of us. I support socialized healthcare and systems because I think as a whole our society benefits. If nothing else, it makes us decent human beings. Is that too much to ask? To be a decent human being to another person? Aren't we in some way paying for it anyways via welfare and social security that none of us will ever get?

Personal Finance

About 4 months ago, I realized that my spending/saving ratio was amiss. Furthermore, I couldn't tell whether or not I was paying down my Amex cards because I dont pay attention. I headed over to Staples and got myself a ledger and wrote down all my bills and how much I pay each month. It was from that day, that I put into practice a few things to help me save and pay down my debt:

1. Automate my direct deposit to my savings account.
2. Write down all my bills, and how much I paid each month.
3. Use a payoff debt calculator at bankrate to figure out how much money I need to pay each month to my highest rate credit card.
4. Sign up to Mint.com to help monitor my personal spending.
5. Stopped using the credit cards.

#5 was not hard for me, because I barely used my credit cards, but when I did, it was in bulk amounts that kept building on y carried debt. Signing up for mint was also helpful, because I saw that I spent $700 in shopping per month. Since I've been committed to paying off debt and saving, my shopping habits have changed.

Now, I go to websites and scoff at paying more than $30 for a shirt. I went to the mall this week and bought an orange sweater for $43. It didn't sit right with me, and I went to Gap and saw an orange sweater for $22. I bought it and returned the other one. That's how cheap I've become. The old me would have insisted on the first sweater because it was more my style. But at the end of the day, orange is orange and a cardigan is a cardigan. Why pay more?

Paying off debt requires a lot of discipline. It means giving up some luxuries, but the end result is the big payoff. I will have one of my credit cards paid off in a couple months, which will put me that much closer to saving that money towards a house.

Family ties

While I was out drinking with one of my laid off work friends and company, Jason was invited over for a "beer" with his sister. Unaware of what was coming, she laid on all the bullshit to him.

1. She's uncomfortable with us having hid our relationship from her for so long.
2. She feels we aren't friends anymore and she's tried so hard!
3. She felt as if the last time she came over, I didn't want her there.

Then she began to cry.
I've been struggling with how to deal with situation now for like 6 months.
Here are the facts as I see them:

1. She's really boring.
2. Ever since she got married, she is void of a personality.
3. She's easily offended and that's really annoying.
4. She is very picky about who she wants to hang out with, so sometimes she'll invite Jason somewhere or just me, and it kind of bugs me. Its like we always have to have 1-1 time.

The reason I haven't confronted her, is because I know how she's going to react. She's going to act all overwhelmed and shit. And quite honestly, how can I tell someone that I think they are boring? I'm with this girls brother, so I kind of have to keep it chill.

I told him, tell her to come talk to me like a big girl. I'll wait to see if she ever does.

The epiphany

e·piph·a·ny
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Last night I put up my resume, and shed more tears. My eyes are bubbly from all the crying and I felt as if someone had died, that's how emotional I was. While I was sleeping, I woke up and I just knew I'm supposed to stay. I looked over my portfolio and was looking at some things I needed to fix and add. I'm also thinking I need buy some webspace again. But, I came to a realization that I am supposed to stay and work here. I will continue to put together my resume and portfolio, because it should always be ready.

Having this insight has brought me a new strength. Now that all the senior people on my team are gone, I am the only one left who can take a leadership role. My other co-worker is in India for a month, and he's worked there about 3 months longer than me, but he's not the leadership type. I realized that I have been taking on the complex projects that our senior person should have been working on but hasn't been for the last 6 months because she was out from illness and family issues. I realize that for the last few months, I've been trying to bring more awareness to our team, and that the seed planted for the presentation was completely my idea. I also realize that for the last 6 months, I have been the cheerleader for our team. Suddenly, I see the myriad of opportunity for me now that the dust has settled.

I also see that I will need to very quickly be ready to take on just about anything that comes my way in terms of projects. We are a small team now, but we work on a lot of projects. I'm going to need to be ready to take everything coming to me and the transitional elements needed to keep our team running. I think its going to be a long dark tunnel ahead, but there could be a silver lining in the end.
I feel like I'm starting to see the edges of it.

Left behind

The second round of bad news came today and more people were let go. Directors, leads, and more people I worked with. Approximately a third of my group was let go, and in my specific team, we went from 6 people to 3. I can't help feeling completely emotional over this. For the last month my team and I were working towards a large presentation to be presented to our larger group. We met once a week to make sure this all came together perfectly, and now it will never see the light of day. I had just started a "Finer things club" with a few of my co-workers, only to find that all of them were let go. I had just become close with a few people only to find that they too were let go. My aisle is gone, only leaving me and one other person. I also found out that I will be getting a new manager (again). Bringing me up to 3 different managers in one year, which matches the previous job. All of these changes are going to be difficult, because I don't see the silver lining yet. I see more work, less support, and a lot of empty desks. With the directors gone, I'm not sure how this will change our role in this company. I'm also really sad that I won't be working with the people I like the most. I'm really scared, and although I updated my resume on Monster, I suddenly feel less confident.

The aftermath continues

I awoke to my blaring alarm, with the same headache I went to bed with. Last night I found out that more of my colleagues were let go. I got on facebook and saw one of them with pictures of his family and I lost it. I cried for 10 minutes in Jason's arms. Its difficult to fathom how people with families and sick parents will be able to find another job in this economy. Silicon valley is slowing down, and is being impacted by the overall effects of the economy.

I have survivors guilt, or something similiar. The fact that so many people were let go for various reasons, and the fact that I'm still around makes me feel really guilty. I also feel guilty because some of these people I have been pissed at in the past, and wondered how they even have the job they do. Two of the people I bitched about 3 months ago actually lost their job yesterday. One of them surprised me, the other didn't. My lead was one of these people, and while in the past I haven't always seen eye to eye with him, he always supported me and had my back. He was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and though I had wished he had more balls, he was definitely getting better at his role. He has three kids, a house payment and a wife.

Last night I hung out with another girl whom I've had disagreements with in the past. She and I have had some tense moments, mostly because she was really condescending to me and is one of those people that is difficult to deal with. I had a feeling that if we had more layoffs she would be a victim. It turns out that she had difficulty getting along with others since she was relocated to San Jose. I feel bad for her, because she had only been here for 8 months.

I don't know how layoffs work, but I am told they have nothing to do with performance. I can't say that I agree with that because some of the people let go didn't surprise me. I also think salary was a contributing factor, they let go of someone that I really respect and was doing great things for our company, and I know they did that simply because of his salary.

I do know that everything that mattered to me yesterday doesn't matter to me today. I immediately cut off my cable from the $65 package to the $14 package, and will cut it off completely if I have to. I also cut out the "media package" from my cell phone. I'm wearing a shirt I bought last week with a big bow in front and right now I can't believe I spent $50 on it. I don't feel like wearing an f'ing bow when so many people are getting cut left and right. I feel like I'm going to a funeral. And I'm dreading going to work today. I don't know when my time will come, or if it will, but I was told a few months ago that I was underpaid, for the first time, I actually believe that is to my advantage.

Black Monday

I live in Silicon Valley, the land of tech giants and brilliant startups. In an economy such as ours, the inevitable time comes when these giants sometimes misstep and suddenly need to re-evaluate their size. Today many of my colleagues were laid off. It was unfortunate and I feel some of the people they let go were completely a mistake. And we all know how this goes, we look at the people and try to figure out if there was an ulterior motive, and in some cases you can see why those people were chosen, and in some cases, you have no idea. Some of these people were very bright intelligent individuals who worked long hours and gave their blood to see the best work was put out. These were people I respected, and in my opinion were helpful in moving our company forward. And while my job is secure for now, who knows about the next round of layoffs?

Generic America

After last night's debate, its clear that Sarah Palin didn't f--k it up. I think the world was waiting for her to make an ass out of herself, which she did not. I personally believe that Sarah Palin has been underestimated. I think she's a bright woman and can find the answers she needs when she needs them. The problem with her performance last night is that she didn't go deep. Her comments were very surfacey and she used a lot of colloquialisms and fillers and gosh darnits. She also came across slightly condescending at times, which I think people would perceive as her being more knowledgeable than she actually is. She also deflected some of the questions in order to continue talking about energy, which really irritated me. I think I pretty much checked out when she said that Biden's wife's "Reward was in heaven" comment. Seriously, that sounded like a dis, a religious dis at that.

In a way, Palin's strategy was brilliant and very effective. Its all about presentation. If you package yourself as someone who is charming and can talk to generic america as if you were having biscuits and gravy over at Katie's place, then you've accomplished half of what you need. The other half--the knowledge of politics is less important. Its the same strategy used by people in job interviews. Present yourself a certain way, and you will get hired. Personality counts. Obama doesn't connect as much with generic america, because he's viewed as an elitist and the cross-section of america did not go to Harvard law school, they want a president who will understand them and issues that are important to them, and Obama can't really forge that connection. I think had he selected Hillary as his running mate, he would have possibly gotten their buy in. Hillary gets generic america. But, we probably would have had an ineffective presidency.

My analysis: Sarah Palin is good enough for generic America. I think all those stupid hicks would totally buy into her winks and smiles and her condescending mannerisms. This bitch doesn't know shit about real politics and anyone with any critical thinking skills can easily see that her mannerisms and vague responses were without real depth. But you can bet your ass gosh darnit, that generic america will vote for her. (wink wink)

Lewd and lascivious acts

Because I am a curious person who likes to always be aware of her surroundings, I occasionally run checks on my local neighborhood. I look up crime statistics on crimereports, and lately I've been searching for sexual offenders at family watchdog, the national sexual offenders registry. Wow. I found approximately 58 offenders within about 2 miles, and 54 non-mapable ones. I guess these are the ones who fell off the grid. I was looking for general rapists, but found what appears to be a whole complex of child molesters one block over. Including someone with a mysterious charge: "Caretaker,lewd or lascivious act with dependent adult" gross and creepy. Though I only saw one rapist of adults one block over, he looked pretty old. So maybe if we met on the street I can run away.

Creativity block

I work in the "creative" profession, sort of. I am on the dryer side of things, especially with my current company. After all my complaints of getting shitty projects, I have now been given the opportunity to make something better. Though I know it will never ever get built, that isn't really the point is it? Or at least I'm not supposed to care if it gets built, just as long as I thought up something cool. So now I have a creative block. I feel as if I haven't designed in such a long time, I don't even know where to start, or what to design. Its akin to having stage fright really. The pressure to perform, which is really only in mind. I think.