Red Lightbulb Paranoia

Many people laugh at my extreme paranoia. I want to take shooting lessons and sleep with a rifle at the foot of the bed. That's too extreme they said. Fine, I'm going to get a taser then. So until I get one, I sleep with a screwdriver at the edge of my mattress. Seriously. I'll stab a fool if he gets in my room. Anyhow, I noticed that last week one of the light bulbs in my porch light was red. It was slightly odd, but I guess I just thought it was some light burning out or something. Well two days ago, all the lights were red. Someone replaced all my light bulbs with red ones. I called my maintence man today to ask him about it and he said, "Someone replaced them. I have no explanation for that, except maybe someone being festive or something." Festive?! Take your fucking festive and give me back my light bulbs! I findthe whole situation creepy as hell. People think I'm crazy huh? This shit only happens to me. I'm going to buy a taser this weekend.

Hot Lunch

Today started like any other day. I had a 10am meeting with a senior designer and our counterpart in France. The senior designer called to tell me she would be late. Cool. The meeting went well. Until she walked in while we were wrapping up the meeting and asked all sorts of stuff we had already covered. I was so irritated. While I was fuming in my seat, the hot co-worker walked by. We made usual eye contact and smiled. It was then I knew I had to tell him about this. I know no one else would understand as much. So, I went over to his cube and left a post it on his computer asking if he was free for lunch. He emailed me back saying he was and that he had to take care of a few things during lunch and asked if I wanted to come with him. I agreed.

I vented all my frustration. He is part of my team, but deals only with numbers with the directors and managers. So he has no special allegiance to anyone. I asked if I could trust him and he said, "of course, we are friends. you aren't the only one to vent about co-workers." After, I finished my angry diatribe we dropped off his car to be cleaned then ate at a "mexican" fast food type establishment and then went to Target. I really enjoyed talking to him. He's funny. He thinks I'm funny. Best part...he gets high. And like me, he just discovered pot recently. I might be over thinking it, but I'm pretty sure we are on the way to being friends, though I've never been friends with someone I was attracted to...not for long that is. In the past, my guy friends have become something more. I'm anxious to see what becomes of this, because I really like him and his friends. They are a fun group. We talked about how awesome Family Guy is, how fantastic pepperoni is, and other things. He thought it was funny that I got so drunk last week, I asked a cop for directions home (she didn't even know I was wasted!), and peed in some random guy's lawn at 2 a.m. He didn't judge. I've been working at my new job for 3 weeks, and I already have a friend. And he's hot.

Thanksgiving and other Thoughts

My Thanksgiving weekend went by pretty fast. I flew out on Thursday and hung out with my mom and her fiancee. On Friday, I had beer and good conversation with a friend I haven't seen in 1.5 years. Seeing him made me think about how my life could have gone either way. I could have ended up a baby mama working at the casino. We knew each other during the early part of our 20's until now. We went through our party phase together. Through the Christian phase. And through school together. So much has changed. He's a teacher now. And I'm doing well too. Good for us and all our hardwork. Sometimes I think I am where I am because of the friends I had. I've always had great friends who were down for me and willing to say something if I was going down the wrong path. They were always people I could trust. Moving on...

Saturday, I drove a uhaul through the bowels of California. The farmland where my friend claimed he saw a UFO once. No such luck for me. Just a long, boring drive. Once we got to San Jose, we dropped off the shit and went to SF for the night. We went to a gay bar in Castro which was filled with hot, sweaty-chested fags. Loved it. The next day, we went shopping and I got a new haircut. It was fun. I had been toying with the possibility of maybe moving to the SF area but I just can't see a single-straight girl getting laid there. Its a gay city. I would only want to live there if I had a mate already. I can't handle competing for men against men. Its not a fair fight.

Speaking of men, my friend told me that I need a rich man. To this I said, "But, I don't necessarily want a rich man." And he replied, "Yeah, but its what you need." So, I realize now that I'm that girl. I'm the girl who has only wanted a normal guy to make me laugh and stimulate my mind and gratify all my sexual pleasures. But, somehow I'm just the perfect mix of girl that requires more. Why? Because I'm strong-willed? I make okay money? I have a career? I don't need anyone to look after me. Yet, I secretly know that what he says is true. Most men want someone to look after. Only guys who are more established than I am will have the means to feel like they are looking after me. Sometimes when I see certain girls. I wonder what its like to be like them. To be the kind of girl that isn't threatening or intimidating. I'll never know.

The Co-worker

So, it turns out I'm not the only one getting over an ex. The co-worker invited me out again this evening. However, I noticed that he spent a lot of time with some random Indian girl that he did not introduce me to. After a couple of hours, he said, "Don't freak out, but my ex-girlfriend is here". WTF? Freak out? Anyhow, we went to another bar, and he said, he wanted to go home and watch some movie. I texted him and told him to tell me what he was watching, to which he responded Ocean's 13 and that he was happy I came out and was apologetic for being "unfun". I have to admit. I'm slightly confused. Initially, I figured he was interested, because he did invite me somewhere, and he is a guy, and typically guys like to bone. But, I sorta started to think he wasn't interested. Until this evening. Why would I freak out? We are only friends....or so I thought. But, it just made me realize that other people are going through shit too. His ex is 21 and he is 28. Enough said. But its only been 2 months, so I'm sure he'd take her back if she agreed. As a rule I don't date guys who have been in recent relationships because I know how that goes. That girl will always have sway. According to his friends, he was really in love with her. I texted him back telling him I understood. Exes are hard. We all have been through it. I'm just stoked I know better. I hope he does...

Life and Beyond

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections"

I still love my new job. Suddenly people are listening to me. My opinion matters. I hadn't realized how many strong personalities surrounded me in New York. When I spoke, I typically got shot down by someone. In fact, my ideas were sort of filtered before they even made it to marketing. Well, not here. I am my own lead. If I have a vision, its all mine. I have autonomy to see it fleshed out. In a sea of mellow personalities, I am queen.

I've also noticed that my idea of fashion has caught the eye of my co-workers. I walked into the office yesterday wearing nylon leggings and a black lacy dress-type tunic with gray patent leather heels. All the women were unabashedly looking me up and down. I don't know if they were judging so much as they were just wondering what the hell. I admit, that I've been riskier with my fashion choices since I've left New York. I can thank the beautiful Cali weather for that, oh and having a car, so I don't have to worry about comfortable shoes and ruining heels. One of my male co-workers said to me, "You don't have to dress like that. You aren't in New York anymore." True. I think I just like the attention. I've also come to understand, that fashion is more than just clothes, its more of an expression of one's self. I used to buy shit randomly. Now, I'm very careful about the clothes I select to ensure that it embodies the person I am. I'm still defining my style, but I think this is just one more thing that comes with the journey to self understanding.

My life feels surprisingly complete. I say this as I'm sitting on the empty floor of my apartment listening to "Sorry" on my Nano. (Thanks Shawn) I'm not dating anyone and I have a single friend in San Jose. But life is good. As distraught as I was for a day in regards to that Chris situation, I think it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time. I'm so much stronger now than I've ever been. And to quote Madonna, "I've seen it all before, and I can take care of myself."

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped

Chris emailed me today and said the following:

Wow. let me just say that I am sorry she did that and you have nothing to worry about. I was affraid of this. she got some idea that I was carrying on with you behind her back. but honestly I was surprised when she said you had moved back. The fact is I have missed talking to you very much and I even thought of contacting you but decided you would have told me you were moving back if you had any interest in talking to me.

She and I did break up. I'm sorry she went to you and I'm sorry that our friendship suffered as well.

Please don't be angry with me.

thank you for letting me know.

Just in case you don't reply...

I didn't want those things to be the last things I said to you. I want you to know that I was proud of you when I heard you had accomplished your goal. I hope everything is going well in your life. You're so strong I knew you would conquer those challenges before you.

While I do believe that he does miss our conversations and "friendship" It's not a real apology for me. In fact its not an apology at all. Maybe we could of stayed friends, but he just treated me so unfairly. I was real with him and he constantly diminished any importance I had in his life. When I told him I loved him, he responded by saying, "You're silly". When I wanted him to touch me or put his arm around me, he said, "I have to feel like I want to do that." His excuse for not coming to NYC to see me was, " I have to save money." And last but not least, the moment someone else came into the picture he tossed me out like old shoes. Completely willing to risk losing me for good.

And, of course that's exactly what happened. I don't know if I will ever understand why he treated me like that. We had so much fun together, we laughed a lot, talked about everything. I cared for him. I was loyal. I was a great friend to him. Somehow we had a friendship hybrid that wasn't quite to the level of a relationship, but was more than just fuck buddies. It had the promise to be more. I had been planning to leave NYC at that time to move back to California.

Flash forward three months later and I'm in California, they are no longer together and we no longer speak. I'm positive things would be different if he would have just waited for me instead of putting all his cards in the other girls deck. I knew I wanted to be in California regardless. But, he made his decision, and it changed all of our destinies.

His words don't mean anything to me anymore. I feel completely numb when I read them. But sometimes, when I think about us, all I see is a movie playing in my head that is woven together from our memories. Its undeniable that we got along very well. The struggle was mostly in the intimacy realm. And, he's correct in assuming that I won't reply. I won't ever reply. I don't ever want to speak to him again. This time its not because I'm angry, but nothing he can say will change anything. Its too bad really. It's possible that we could have been so much more right now. But, as Jean de la Fontaine said, "A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it"

Chris Drama: Finale (hopefully)

I received a Myspace email today from "Red". Not knowing who this was, I was mildly surprised to see that it was Chris's current girlfriend. She wrote this:

How are you? Chris told me that you two were friends, when he and I started dating, and that you got upset when he told you that we were seeing eachother. I had an idea that you must have been more than friends, and eventually the truth came out about your relationship with Chris...mostly over drunken conversations. I just wanted to hear your side of the story...as far as what happened and what you have heard from Chris since then....because some things aren't quite adding up at the moment. He had some good and bad things to say about you....but it doesn't make sense....especially if it lasted a long period of time.

take care
-pamela


After reading this email, I just didn't even know what to think. My first thought was to call him and tell him to keep his chick in check. The second thought, was what bad things did he have to say about me. I had a moment of weakness and probed her via myspace about the "bad things" he said. After a few minutes, I had a change of heart and wrote her new email which simply said, "actually, i don't care. i'm not involved." To which, she replied, "you two still talk don't you, you are already involved aren't you??" Um, we haven't talked in 3 months. I have no idea why she thinks we do.

After some clarity, I copy and pasted the message and emailed it to him. I said simply that she had contacted me and that I didn't want to be involved at all in the situation. I feel so violated actually. I'm living my fucking new life. With new experiences and a whole new attitude. I'm angry that she ruined that for me. I'm still getting over Chris. I was in love with him. He said bad things about me according to her. What the fuck? I didn't do anything bad to him. He knows that. And now I'm here wondering and questioning everything. Why the fuck did she message me? I would never ever talk to an ex-girlfriend about my current bf. If she thought she was going to get some "inside info" she's wrong. I feel as if she doesn't respect the boundaries of the "relationship" Chris and I shared. What happened between us doesn't concern her. Moreover, she can ask him. She probably did. He probably lied, or told her some soft version of the story. She knows he's not telling the truth, so she asks me. Honey, if you aren't satisfied with his answer, then that should tell you about the kind of person he is. I have never asked an ex-girlfriend for info. And, I wouldn't divulge any.

Naturally, I cancelled my myspace for the final time. I was doing so well too. Now, I have all night to get through. If you are reading this and have an opinion, please leave a comment. I'm interested in what you think.

Happiness is driving a 97' Civic

I've officially ended my week 2 for my new job. I work on the International team, and I found out that I will have the opportunity to travel to the countries and observe usability testing for certain projects. Three of my co-workers have gone to the UK, Japan, and Germany. Hopefully, one of my projects in the near future will lead me to Europe.

So, most of my co-workers are older and married. More recently I noticed a youngish, cute guy that makes eye-contact with me. Yesterday, I was eating in the break room while he was washing something. He was in there for a long time, before he suddenly came over to me and introduced himself as a resourcing manager. UCSD undergrad, USC MBA grad. We launched into a 10 minute conversation when I mentioned that I had only a single friend in SJ. After I said that, he invited me to have drinks with his ex-coworkers that evening. Of course I agreed. I met him and his co-workers, and they were very cool. I wasn't sure how to interpet the whole thing, was he interested? In my experience, men are never interested in being just friends, at least not right off. But during the drinks thing, we didn't talk too much, I spent time talking with other people. So, I figured it was just a friendly thing. I hope anyways. I'm not super interested in getting involved with anyone right now. I really miss just having friendships with men.

As a side note, my 97' Honda Civic which Shawn insists is of no value, was keyed last weekend. Now, I can only ascertain from this action, that my car was worth keying. Which means its not the total hoopty Shawn thinks it is. The way I figure, if it was already a POS, why bother? And by the way, my 97' brought in $1000 in NYC parking tickets. Can you believe that shit?

Latino Film Festival

I was a good Mexican this weekend and decided to catch a few films at the 11th International Latino Film Festival. I saw three films this weekend. The first movie I saw was Malos Habitos (Bad Habits) which told the story of a mother suffering from anorexia and obsessed with getting her slightly overweight child to lose weight. Her husband starts banging a chunky Peruvian chick, because he decides hes not into skeletel women. While all of this is happening, there is rain of catastrophic proportions happening in Mexico City, and the nun at the little girl's school decides she will fast until the rain stops. It was very interesting and the cinematography was nice. I would have like there to be more connection between the two parallel stories. But it was a good film.

The second film I saw was Lola: La Pelicula a biography based on flamenco dancer Lola Flores until 1958. I absolutely loved this film. I wanted to see more flamenco, but this film pretty much convinced me that there is no better man for a woman than a gay man. Lola becomes hugely successful as a dancer and takes several lovers. She gets her heart broken repeatedly by these men who don't want anything more from her than sex. Her gay BFF, Carlitos, is there to help her through the bullshit. Loved it. I think the audience did too, because they clapped when the film ended. The actress who played Lola was gorgeous.

The last film I saw also happened to be the last in the festival. Deserto feliz (Happy Desert). This film took place in Brazil and focused on a pre-teen(?) girl living with her mother and her boyfriend. She gets raped by the boyfriend and decides to pursue a career in prostitution. She goes to the big city of Brazil and starts sexxing up the tourists. She meets a German guy--who is hot by the way, and fantasizes about running away to Germany with him. The film was slightly confusing with very long shots without any dialogue. It was okay. I guess I expected more. But, I think it definitely had the desired depressing effect. This girl was not going to get the Pretty Woman ending.

I think I'm going to become a member of the Latino Film Society. Ooh, I get chills just thinking about it.

Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult.

I just finished the complete Sex and the City series (yes I'm like 5 years late) and it got me thinking about who my Mr. Big is. Well the truth is, I would never have a Big, because I don't tolerate popping in and out of my life like that. And, I have a strict "No Friends" policy. I'm still extremely angry with how the whole Chris thing turned out. And as horrible and lame as the whole thing ended up being, I think it was what I needed to push me to the next place. I wish I wasn't angry with Chris, I wish I just didn't care. Its been like 3 months and I was hoping that by this time I would just sort of forgotten about it. I've never felt so angry with anyone like this before. Usually, its more of a hurt, lingering and teary pain. Clearly I feel that too, but mostly I just feel anger toward him.

So much has changed in my life- good things. Everyday I struggle with myself. Everyday I have to remind myself that I'm the most important thing in my life. Everyday I tell myself that I am worthy of love, but that I need to put myself above everything. Its so much harder to do than it sounds. I've spent my whole adolescent and part of my adult life not believing I was worth anything. Clearly that carried over into the men I chose to be with. I'm starting to think that the anger toward Chris lies mostly in the fact that now I have to face this. Face myself. The person I've been avoiding for so long. It's like having someone tell you to go to rehab. Its like this bizarre feeling of hating Chris for forcing me to love myself. He was sort of the catalyst for all of this, and I guess I had finally reached a point in my life where I was ready to listen and take action. Obviously, he doesn't deserve any thank you's or anything, he's still a scumbag, but I guess I'm just seeing that there was some deeply rooted stuff I had to dig out.

The people who have known me longest have seen me change over the years. They were there for the horrid relationships, pregnancy, suicide attempt, getting kicked out, cussing everyone out in my apartment, and finally finishing school, moving away to go to grad school, and entering my first career. Things have not been easy for me. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am. And I'm content finally. I found a career that I love, and I'm not worried at all about finding "someone". I don't care. I'm an awesome person with or without someone else. I don't need anyone to love, and before Chris I always wanted for someone to love me. No one has. But I do. I love me. And that is all that matters.

Work, Creatures and Chicanos

Today was the end of my official first working week of my new job. They are going to put me on a project next week because they feel that I'm anxious to start working. I have plans of grandeur. I am going to work my ass off so that I can get promoted as soon as possible. I have a really good feeling about this place. I think I can go very far here and everyone is so darn friendly!

So, as I was walking up to my apartment, I noticed a creature staring at me from the window of my upstairs neighbor's apartment. I went to their door to investigate. The renter of the apartment confirmed my suspicion. It was a cat. I was under the impression cats were strictly forbidden. He told me the property manager said it was cool. This is good news. I was hoping to own a cat. After meeting such awesome cats like Fifi's CG and my friend's cat, Dr. Sprinkles (he holds an M.D.), I think cats are definitely my style. Both CG and Dr. Sprinks are black, so I think a black cat is in order.

Another thing I noticed about my neighbors, is that I have a sorta loud one. Of course its the Mexican one. You know the type, the cholo-vato type that likes to blare that annoying oldies infused chicano rap. I can hear him and his homies and their music. Its muffled, so its not at the most annoying level it can be, but its still annoying. Last night, they kept running up and down the stairs to toss out their cases of beer bottles. I haven't decided if its worth it to complain, or if I should try to get on his good side by leaving a Lowrider Volume III CD on his doorstep. Though, I'm pretty sure he owns it. I think I'm going to wait it out, because he does turn the music off before 12, but I'm not sure, because I'm pretty much asleep by then.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

I'm feeling a hundred percent better about my new job. Today, I was introduced to a group of people that I will be working with in some capacity. I had to stand up and introduce myself and tell an embarrassing story. Since I'm not easily embarrassed, I made up one. And I made up a whopper of a story. I told them that as I was trying to sit on the railing of the Staten Island Ferry, I fell into the water. And yes, it sounds completely ridiculous, but picture me telling the story, if you didn't know me. They would have no reason to assume I was lying, and I looked dead serious. I even included the minute details. It was fabulous. They loved it. The look on their faces when I said I fell overboard was fantastic. And no, I didn't tell them it was all a fat lie. Hopefully no one asks me about it, because I cannot continue the charade. Anyhow, I've been learning how to use Illustrator since that will be my new tool for my position. It's all going swimmingly. I had a chance to participate in a design review, and I actually had thoughts and opinions to contribute and people listened. I got this.

Two steps forward

In case you were wondering, the 80's night in SF never happened. We made the 30 minute drive down to the Mission District, parked, and then I reached into my huge purse and realized I left my license at home. Of course I had a package of roasted almonds, and a pair of socks, but no ID. Now, this is California, and they are very strict at clubs with IDs. When I was in New Orleans, all we needed to do was smile at the bouncer to be let in, but Cali is a total cock block. Moving on...Its day 2 of my new job and my optimism is waning. Patience has never been a virtue for me. I sat in on a 9am meeting with our team in India, and I could barely understand anything they were saying. In fact, since half of my work is from India, I'm having trouble understanding their English. I feel bad saying that. I know at this point, I keep thinking to myself that its my fault for not picking up a second language like Bengali, Hindi, or Punjabi especially since I'm in the tech industry. The people at my work are very nice and very busy. I have a feeling that I will be worked to the bone. Though, I don't see any possibilities for future friends at this job either. But I do get free soda, free juice, and free snacks of various types.

I'm still getting used to the area. I live in the downtown area, so about 4 times a day, I see homeless people wandering around collecting cans. It doesn't help that my friend keeps telling me, "I'd be afraid living in downtown by myself. You need a boyfriend to keep you safe." Well sweetheart, you should have seen the neighborhood I lived in while I was in Buffalo. Its not in my nature to hate on people just for being homeless, and I don't believe homeless people are inherently dangerous. It's just taken some time to get used to, and I'm not quite used to it or living alone yet. Maybe I watch too much Law & Order: SVU. Other than that, I feel like I have a lot more control of my life now. I get to and from work within 15 minutes, I cook my own food, I'm adopting a gym routine. Its nice. I finally feel like I'm comfortable. I'm thinking of starting a book club meetup. One that concentrates on good literature, not bestseller crap. I'm also thinking of volunteering for some local art-like venue. My company gives grants to the places that I volunteer at.

P.S. Is anyone obsessed with "Got to Give it Up" by Marvin Gaye?

My First Day

My morning began at a fairly painless 4 hour orientation. It was focused on the history of the company and how it began as a democratic movement to equalize the market. I can see that. We all got a book which was written about the company by a NY Times writer as a case study. Afterwards, I had a fairly uneventful day at my new cube, which is about 25% larger than my old square cube. I also get a laptop. We get free sodas and juice at any given time, and free snacks which range from yogurt pretzels and oreos to granola bars. My immediate impression is that half of the people that work there are from India. I'm pretty sure I won't make friends there either, but the people there are very smart and not pretentious at all. My UED team presents at conferences and publishes papers and there isn't even an ounce of pretentiousness dripping from their veins. I can't helping thinking about the pretentious assholes in the New York office (though the UI people weren't pretentious at all). It was a quiet place, not buzzing with chatter. It seems like the people are really focused and work driven. My manager sits in the cube next to mine, we literally share a wall with a tiny window. So, I guess that means no more blogging at work. It was a dull day, and I'm sure the next month will be the same way,as I get acquainted to my new role there.

5 days in

Its day 5 since I've been in San Jose and I'm adjusting quite nicely. Yesterday, I decided to try out a boxing class which entails boxing gloves and a punching bag. It was fun, though my knuckles and shoulders are slightly sore. I'm going island hopping with a friend in Hawaii in May, so I need to be in excellent shape. I also have a goal to be in the best shape ever for my 30th birthday. I've also found my neighborhood 24 hour fitness and have been devoting my days to going. I bought an iPod Nano so I can have some music to listen to while at the gym. Ever since I bought it, I've become an iPod asshole. I listen to it when shopping, while I was getting a pedicure, and anytime I have even a few minutes of downtime. I went crazy last night buying albums from iTunes. I find it to be a worthy investment however, because it will keep me motivated at the gym. Anyhow, I still don't have television, but thank goodness for Netflix and their VOD option. I've been watching seasons 1 and 2 of The Office, and its been a lifesaver from the extreme boredom of sitting in an empty apartment all day. Tonight I'm going to the city to dance my ass off to 80's music. I plan to be hella drunk because 80's music is not my best dancing. I specialize in hip hop and anything requiring a good booty shake. I'm wearing my fuck boots tonight and with a lot of alcohol and a bit of luck, maybe I'll have a stranger's tongue in my mouth. Wishful thinking.

Earthquake Country

Although I was born and raised in Southern California, I've been living in the East Coast for the last 3 years and the worst I had to be ready for was snow storms. I had completely forgotten about earthquakes. Until I was standing in my tiny kitchen and almost got knocked off my ass two days ago. For a brief second, I thought it was a train. And then I realized it was indeed an earthquake. I ran outside and my whole neighborhood was outside smoking cigarettes. I met my neighbors who all seemed really nice. They are all SJSU students. My building was made in the 1920's so I assume its seen a lot of shake-age. When I walked back into my house however, I noticed there was some cracking near my windows. That was truly the largest earthquake I've ever experienced during my time in California. I guess that was my welcome back.

In terms of my new place, I love it. I have had no problems readjusting to life as a Californian. I hadn't realized how much NYC had shook up everything I believed to be normal. I take back everything I said about strip malls and suburbia. I've been living at Target for the last few days and its been awesome. Its nice to have products on the shelf for a change. Whenever I would go to the Pacific Street Target in Brooklyn, all the shelves were completely empty with the exception of the super expensive things. ie: all $9.99 toasters were gone, but the $69.99 toaster would still be there. Who the hell buys a $70 toaster? No one, that's why it was the only thing on the shelf. Other than that, I'm close to everything I need and I've been hanging out with my one friend almost everyday this week. In fact, we are going to an 80's club in San Francisco this week. I'm so happy with my life right now, I hadn't realized it could be this good. Of course, I haven't started work yet...