Saturday, November 10, 2007

Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult.

I just finished the complete Sex and the City series (yes I'm like 5 years late) and it got me thinking about who my Mr. Big is. Well the truth is, I would never have a Big, because I don't tolerate popping in and out of my life like that. And, I have a strict "No Friends" policy. I'm still extremely angry with how the whole Chris thing turned out. And as horrible and lame as the whole thing ended up being, I think it was what I needed to push me to the next place. I wish I wasn't angry with Chris, I wish I just didn't care. Its been like 3 months and I was hoping that by this time I would just sort of forgotten about it. I've never felt so angry with anyone like this before. Usually, its more of a hurt, lingering and teary pain. Clearly I feel that too, but mostly I just feel anger toward him.

So much has changed in my life- good things. Everyday I struggle with myself. Everyday I have to remind myself that I'm the most important thing in my life. Everyday I tell myself that I am worthy of love, but that I need to put myself above everything. Its so much harder to do than it sounds. I've spent my whole adolescent and part of my adult life not believing I was worth anything. Clearly that carried over into the men I chose to be with. I'm starting to think that the anger toward Chris lies mostly in the fact that now I have to face this. Face myself. The person I've been avoiding for so long. It's like having someone tell you to go to rehab. Its like this bizarre feeling of hating Chris for forcing me to love myself. He was sort of the catalyst for all of this, and I guess I had finally reached a point in my life where I was ready to listen and take action. Obviously, he doesn't deserve any thank you's or anything, he's still a scumbag, but I guess I'm just seeing that there was some deeply rooted stuff I had to dig out.

The people who have known me longest have seen me change over the years. They were there for the horrid relationships, pregnancy, suicide attempt, getting kicked out, cussing everyone out in my apartment, and finally finishing school, moving away to go to grad school, and entering my first career. Things have not been easy for me. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am. And I'm content finally. I found a career that I love, and I'm not worried at all about finding "someone". I don't care. I'm an awesome person with or without someone else. I don't need anyone to love, and before Chris I always wanted for someone to love me. No one has. But I do. I love me. And that is all that matters.


Shawn said...

this was a very good blog! i am proud of you for saying all of this. or maybe for admitting it. you always say we dont have much in common, but this blog reminded me of the reasons why we are(and have remained) such good friends. ultimately, the same things tie us all together. for us, i think its been our struggle to find love (perhaps the most important thing in life). and while you may not agree, i am still single at this point in my life because i refuse to settle for anything less than i know i deserve. sometimes in the moment, the desire is there to give in and settle. but i just cant. and neither can you. i do believe that someday, we will both be in amazing relationships with amazing people. someday, we will both have finally realized everything we truly deserve. =)

cherie said...

aww thanks, believe me i had moments of revelation while writing it. i've tried settling, but in most cases i got dumped. ricky was the exception to that. ricky wasn't very smart, but he knew that he wouldn't get better than me, so he was along for that ride. i'm finally content now. i am understanding some things that i wasn't ready to accept before. i'm so glad this is all happening before i turn 30. i don't want to be in denial while in my 30s. it will be interesting to see what happens if we are both in amazing relationships. all we have left is celeb gossip and the office. haha. not to mention our blogs...they are based on being single.

notsimplyyes said...

hey, you know what, they said that carrie being married to Big and that Charlotte being pregnant are the fake sences...I guess that win me back for wanting to go see that movie now :P

cherie said...

Yeah, I read that. I'm seriously hoping that Carrie and Big don't break up. That's going to piss me off! Single in the 40s--thats way to depressing.