Saturday, November 17, 2007

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped

Chris emailed me today and said the following:

Wow. let me just say that I am sorry she did that and you have nothing to worry about. I was affraid of this. she got some idea that I was carrying on with you behind her back. but honestly I was surprised when she said you had moved back. The fact is I have missed talking to you very much and I even thought of contacting you but decided you would have told me you were moving back if you had any interest in talking to me.

She and I did break up. I'm sorry she went to you and I'm sorry that our friendship suffered as well.

Please don't be angry with me.

thank you for letting me know.

Just in case you don't reply...

I didn't want those things to be the last things I said to you. I want you to know that I was proud of you when I heard you had accomplished your goal. I hope everything is going well in your life. You're so strong I knew you would conquer those challenges before you.

While I do believe that he does miss our conversations and "friendship" It's not a real apology for me. In fact its not an apology at all. Maybe we could of stayed friends, but he just treated me so unfairly. I was real with him and he constantly diminished any importance I had in his life. When I told him I loved him, he responded by saying, "You're silly". When I wanted him to touch me or put his arm around me, he said, "I have to feel like I want to do that." His excuse for not coming to NYC to see me was, " I have to save money." And last but not least, the moment someone else came into the picture he tossed me out like old shoes. Completely willing to risk losing me for good.

And, of course that's exactly what happened. I don't know if I will ever understand why he treated me like that. We had so much fun together, we laughed a lot, talked about everything. I cared for him. I was loyal. I was a great friend to him. Somehow we had a friendship hybrid that wasn't quite to the level of a relationship, but was more than just fuck buddies. It had the promise to be more. I had been planning to leave NYC at that time to move back to California.

Flash forward three months later and I'm in California, they are no longer together and we no longer speak. I'm positive things would be different if he would have just waited for me instead of putting all his cards in the other girls deck. I knew I wanted to be in California regardless. But, he made his decision, and it changed all of our destinies.

His words don't mean anything to me anymore. I feel completely numb when I read them. But sometimes, when I think about us, all I see is a movie playing in my head that is woven together from our memories. Its undeniable that we got along very well. The struggle was mostly in the intimacy realm. And, he's correct in assuming that I won't reply. I won't ever reply. I don't ever want to speak to him again. This time its not because I'm angry, but nothing he can say will change anything. Its too bad really. It's possible that we could have been so much more right now. But, as Jean de la Fontaine said, "A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it"


Shawn said...

first of all, i really like that quote. story of my life.

with respect to your situation, i really dont think you are being completely honest with yourself about your feelings for him. i know you will disagree with everything im writing here, and you always criticize my need for resolution where relationships are concerned, but i really think he should read this entry. if for no other reason than to understand how much he hurt you. he did hurt you. you are still hurting. you will never admit it because you have too much pride, but you are still hurting.

personally, i think this whole situation happened for a reason. and the fact that it has affected you so much is evidence that you still have yet to deal with all of it. perhaps you SHOULD talk to him.

just my $.02

cherie said...

For a moment, I thought that too actually. And yes, I do have a lot of pride. I am a Latina remember. But, a larger part of me feels that I talked to him for 8 months. I was completely open to him. I gave him everything I had. Everything. I gave him more of me than I had with anyone. My feelings, my thoughts, my opinions he knew. And still, he ignored me. So, what's the point. All those words and feelings were wasted. Why waste more?
why give him the satisfaction of knowing my feelings? It was a privilege to let him know me in the first place. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to know what I'm thinking. I know Chris knows this too. He knows that my purposeful withdrawal of emotion and words is empowering to me. Me not telling him how I feel is more powerful. Because he knows he won't be able to penetrate that emotional barrier again. Trust me not speaking to him is the best way. You give a man an inch, he'll take a yard. I'm closing this chapter of my life.

Shawn said...

sometimes your bravado is embarrassing.

having said that, i do respect your reasons for wanting to close that chapter or your life.

my only concern for you is your perspective on wasted time. i dont believe in wasted time. i really do try to believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. i hope you can get to this place at the very last. i think that would help you to let go of the anger you have toward him.

cherie said...

Surprisingly this little drama has sort of disarmed my anger. Sometimes what you don't say is much more effective and sends a more powerful message. Chris understands this. He knows the importance of women ceasing communication. He knew I wouldn't speak to him after this, and quite frankly I've felt like we've had too much contact since the break up. I've had to email him twice telling him to stop using my netflix account. Then I had to email him regarding this situation. In a normal situation, I would have preferred zero communication, even those emails were too much for me. No sweetheart, its not bravada, its just understanding that sometimes words are meaningless and actions speak louder. And in terms of wasting time, i didn't necessarily feel like i wasted time, but more like i wasted my words and emotions. When we had the break up conversation, I asked him if she was really what he wanted. He said yes. I said, "you want to know what I think?" he said, "I think you've already told me what you think." That's when I realized that all things considered, he knew exactly how I felt, and dismissed it. So, words are completely useless.

Shawn said...

ok--fair enough.