Mexico City: So far so good

Sorry babies. I didn't mean to leave you hanging. I know you all are dying to hear about Mexico City. After my ridiculous experience at LAX, I emailed those fuckers at United and complained. They had the audacity to mail me a $175 travel voucher. Fuck you United. $175 is not even enough to cover a pair of shoes for me, let alone good enough to compensate that nightmare I had to endure. Total bullshit. What pisses me off the most is that I kinda have no choice. The "star alliance" or whatever they call that mafia of airlines pretty much ensure that I have no other options for International flights. So no matter what I'll have to fly on one of their shitty airlines.

I've been en la ciudad de Mexico for about 4 days now, and I've yet to really have a chance to see it. I've been working 10 hour days in a little tiny room. I've even had to call into meetings and answer emails and put out fires on my other projects in the US. So, at this point I can't say I've exactly "seen" Mexico City.

I can say that I really like what I have seen however. The people are fantastico, the area I'm in is very upscale, safe, and very pretty. Lots of trees, cobblestone streets, and very classy restaurants. I would consider living here in fact. I am not a fluent Spanish speaker, but I've been able to get by pretty well. I have been close to fluent at a couple of different times in my life, so I was hoping my Spanish would come back, and it did a little bit. I think more time in a Latin American country will help. This trip also made me decide that I want to be the expert in the Latin American market, and when I get back, I'm going to request to work on all Latin American projects.

Anyhow, I will have some time on Saturday and Sunday, so I'm going to go to la casa de Frida, Bazaar del Sabado and the Museum of Anthropology. Sunday I'm going to take a cheesy bus tour and attempt to catch all the churches and other large monuments. I won't have time for the pyramids on this trip...next time.

I'll keep you posted on my trip as soon as the work portion of it is over.

Mexico City: Free word association

Posh

Colorful

Interesting

Cobblestone

Classy

Gorgeous men

Staring

looks like Cali.

Blogging from LAX: Why I hate United

Last night I went out with my friend, her husband, and her brother who may be moving up here. I offered my humble abode for his use, since life in a tiny study apartment is kind of tight, and I'll be out for the week he is in town. We all went to a bar last night and its safe to say we all got wasted...except for the brother. We were out until 2 am, and I had to wake up at 7am to catch my flight to Mexico City. I was still hung over this morning and feeling totally nauseous. Last night after I got home, my friend's brother and I were text-flirting. It was kinda weird because even though I've known her for years, I really don't know him very well though he's been around a few times. I think it was harmless, but it got me thinking about how weird it would be to mess around with her brother. He's not my type in general, but would be appropriate for a hookup. But, it seems like getting involved with a really good friend's brother in any capacity is a bad idea. Especially with this friend. She's Charlotte. And I'm reminded of that episode of SATC when Samantha fucks Charlotte's brother and how that turned out. Same case here I bet.

Anyways, I find out that my flight from SJ to LAX was cancelled, and had to be shuttled to SF to take a flight to LAX. The flight was delayed and when we got to LAX our Mexico City flight had already left. The next available flight was at midnight. So, I've been hanging out in LAX for 10 hours. Not mention that I haven't gotten much sleep and I'll be arriving into Mexico City around 5 am, and need to be somewhere by 10 am. And, they are 2 hours ahead of us. So tomorrow's totally gonna suck. I frickin' hate United and all their damn partner airlines. Every time I fly them I get delayed and miss my connecting flight.

The perfect hookup

The co-worker and I hooked up again last night. And before you ask--no we didn't. And I really thought we would. After last night I realized that he really isn't in a hurry to seal the deal. I think he's viewing this as a road trip where we stop at all the sights before we get to our destination. He's very different than most guys I've hooked up with and quite frankly he's the perfect hookup. There's absolutely no awkwardness when we see each other outside of my bedroom, which was a big roadblock for me. He's sexy, smart, funny, and honest.

Maybe too honest in fact. Last night I had his cock in my mouth for 3 seconds and he tells me, "Yeah, I can't do that to you...sorry I only do that with girlfriends." The timing was absolutely wrong but I respect his honesty and his boundaries. He also told me "I didn't have to". Needless to say, the whole conversation spoiled the moment. And of course we talked about it, because surprisingly we talk about everything. Anyhow, suffice to say we moved forward and did some stuff--I don't want to go into details, but it sure was a lot of fun.

Epilogue: El Paso excursion

I'm back in Cali. I realized on this trip to El Paso, that I will probably live in Cali for the rest of my life. I just love it here, specifically the bay area. Anyhow, yesterday I saw my uncles and aunts that I haven't seen in 10 years. I also met two second cousins who were ages 5 and 9. They were adorable little girls that I could have easily taken with me back to Cali. I met another cousin who was also a very sweet girl and a freshman in high school. My dad told me the little girls wanted my email address which I thought was so cute, and such a sign of the times. I didn't even know 5 and 9 year olds had email addresses.

All in all it was a pretty decent trip. I had to listen to my dad's right-wing speeches and Hillary bashing, but other than that I was glad I went. My father's family has always treated me with respect and truly made me feel like family. They aren't doctors, engineers, or PhD's like my mom's side, but these are good hard working people who understand the value of family. My mom's side are complete jerks who have never accepted me as part of their family--for what reason I have no idea. I've suspected its because I have olive skin and black hair rather than fair skin and light brown hair. For once in my life, I was proud to carry my dad's last name even though I share it with 1 in 4 Mexicans.

This trip also made me come to some conclusions. My parents have never pressured me into having kids, though I think they are still holding out hope for me to reproduce at some point. After seeing my little cousins, I think I felt one of my ovaries stir. I've made peace with the fact that I might never have kids because I might never meet the right guy, but I'm definitely open to having them. I think part of me would love to be a mother, because lately I enjoy being around kids. I've always pictured myself more as a step mom though, because I like the idea of playing the mom one or two weekends a month and taking them to cool places and buying them stuff, and shipping those babies off with their real mom for all the day to day drama. I guess we'll see what life has in store for me.

1100 miles to El Paso

I've been spending my President's day in El Paso, TX. This is one of those little things I don't like talking about, but I guess its time to come clean. My whole family are born and bred El Pasoans. I am a Cali girl but, my dad, aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins all live in Texas. My dad wanted me to come up to hang out with him and since I've ran out of every excuse, I finally had to give in.

I've been living the El Paso experience. I've eaten at Chico's Tacos, some nasty cheap little taco shop which is only in El Paso, and I've eaten only Mexican food since I've been here. Its been great for my Spanish however. Everyone in EP speaks Spanish, even the non-Latins. If you go to a restaurant, the waiter will speak in Spanish, and if you ask for something in English, you are likely to get a confused look. Since I'm going to Mexico City in a few weeks, its been a good test run. I've been fluent in Spanish approximately twice in my life--when I was 5, and when I was 12ish, and some of it is coming back to me in this short trip.

I've been staying with my dad and his #3 wife. I have to admit, she's a good match for him. They look genuinely affectionate with each other. It made me wonder if they were meant to be for each other this whole time. Instead they have 3 broken marriages between them and 5 kids. Perhaps its because they are in their late 40's but they seem to be quite comfortable and my dad is much calmer with her than I've ever seen him with my mom. She's a very nice person, very easy going and very open. She seems like someone my dad would bully, but in fact he seems to respect her. If my dad can be tamed, then maybe there's hope for me after all.

Work, Mexico City, and Broken Hearts

I've been so busy, I haven't had time to think. I'm not used to working this hard, my brain is starting to hurt. I booked my company paid flight and hotel for Mexico City today. I'll be staying in the Habita, a boutique hotel in Polanco, which is where I'll be for the testing. I extended my stay for two more days so I can get a chance to see the city before I come back. I'm planning a few things, but I'm slightly nervous about the taxi situation, I don't want to be kidnapped. Or do I?

Anyhow, today is Valentine's day, and for some odd reason I didn't get that nagging annoyance I usually get every year on this day. In fact, I barely noticed it was any occasion at all, if it wasn't for the annoying forward texts, it would have slipped my mind completely. I had planned on making broken hearted sugar cookies, but I was up late working last night, and didn't have a chance to bake.

I finally came to a conclusion in regards to the co-worker. I went to lunch with him yesterday. I'm completely attracted to him, we laugh and stuff. But, there's just nothing there. I like being around him, but it just feels like there's no way we can relate on any other level. I don't know if this is because the boundaries were set up this way, but it is what it is. He's clearly still torn up over the ex-girlfriend, and that comes up often. But, when we talk its like we're friends. So I decided I'm definitely going to fuck him. I was holding back because I was worried about what he would think of me and then I decided, "Who cares what he thinks of me". There's nothing really there anyway except a whole lot of attraction. I'll keep you posted.

Hanging with married men

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to get drunk with two co-workers. I obliged o because they are very cool people. Both married men of course. During the course of the evening, one of them went home, and I was hanging out with the other one. We had multiple beers and then went to dinner and then went to a different bar and drank more. We talked about work stuff and other stuff too. That was that.

Today I get an IM from the one I was hanging out with, and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I felt like there was some flirting going on. Very very subtle, but still just a hint of a flirtation. I might totally be reading into this, because I've never hung out with a married man alone and part of me thinks that's a little dangerous, but I'm pretty convinced he's fairly happily married. His IM pic has a picture of his wife and kids. And while I'm aware that married people fool themselves into thinking they are happy, he's Indian, so I'm forced to think that culturally he's not American and probably would stay faithful to his wife.

And yet, part of me is a tiny bit concerned. Both of the men stated that they hang out with girls freely, and that their wives do as well. So either these two are swingers or they are just very mature about allowing opposite sex friendships. I don't know, what do you think? Is this weird? Or is this just marriage 2.0?

Life's too short.

My little list of self-improvement.

When I moved back to Cali, I saw an opportunity to make a go of my life. I don't have the oppressiveness hanging over my head anymore. I have freedom and money and time. Three things I never felt I had before. Its up to me how I want to live my life. I'm steering this ship.

I will no longer be my own worst enemy. Having a great therapist in New York (Ann Rosenberg if you are in the NYC area) helped me uncover some truths about myself. I've decided I'm not going to worry about my attractiveness anymore. No more thoughts of "What if I'm not pretty enough (for him)" or "I'm not thin enough (for him)". No more. I think I'm pretty enough and I'm not going to drive myself crazy worrying anymore. So far this strategy has worked for me. I think dating men on Match has been helpful in ironing that out. You meet men who think you're beautiful and you meet men who are clearly disappointed when they see you. Fuck em'. And that's that. In terms of the weight issue--I'm losing weight because I want to, not because someone suggested it. I'm a sexy girl and I'm not going to think any less of myself anymore. Yeah, my butt leaves something to be desired, but if you don't like it too bad. See that's how it works.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel like I'm not good enough. Unfortunately for me, I've dated a lot of men who sort of validated all my insecurities. They fed on my insecurities and as a result it made me feel unstable and uncomfortable. No more of that. This also extends into friendships. I will not be around people who bring out a negative side of me. I met someone recently that I feel brings out a competitive side of me, and I've decided that I don't like being around her. So, I keep away from her. Life is too short to get caught up in other people's drama. If you don't feel good about yourself, thats not my problem.

Professionally, I'm going to remain self-confident. I lacked self-confidence in a major way at my previous job. I always felt like I got that job by accident and that some day someone would pull the blanket off and see that I was in the wrong place and that everyone wouldn't think I'm good enough because I was educated at state schools my whole life. No more. I feel I've earned my right in this industry. I deserve to be here and I deserve to work for a great company.

I will not be made to feel incomplete because I'm single. Yeah, this one is a struggle. I'm totally fine with being single right now, I don't know how I'm going to get my physical demands met but so far, so good. It's easy to get caught up in all the married people's bullshit. Look sweetie, go live your life in suburbia and go have brunch with your in-laws on the weekend, I'm just fine going to a bar on a Tuesday night and getting so wasted I'm showing my titties to my friends. (That happened last Tuesday, and to be fair it was Fat Tuesday, so titties were in order). It's okay to be single and I'm going to enjoy it.

Orange dreams

For the past 3 years I've lived like a nomad. Or a homeless person one might even say. During my time in Buffalo I slept on a coleman airmattress (twin) size. In Brooklyn, I lived on a queen size mattress, but had no real style or "things" in my room. I lived like a minimalist because I never quite felt at home in these places. Historically, I've never been big into decorating, simply because I was afraid that if I were to put all my favorite things in one room it would look like the showroom of the Salvation Army. Add the fact that I'm super indecisive and can't make up my mind on a color scheme, and now we have a disaster waiting to happen.

I finally did decide on a color scheme: Orange. It's bold, it courageous, its happy, and its the new color of my bedroom. I'm still revamping but I just bought this Saffron desk from West Elm. I also bought this cute piece of Pop Art from Andrea Heimer. I'm on the hunt for these orange pillowshams from West Elm. And last but not least, I've been eyeing some Pucci shoes for awhile now. So its fitting I get these orangey ones.

Blog or die

So, I am trying to make sure I blog when I'm a happy girl because ultimately this blog is serving as an electronic record of my life. And good things happen to me too, though you wouldn't have guessed that by reading my Brooklyn blog. First off, there is less of me in this world. I've been chiseling away at the excess weight I put on in the last part of my life in NYC. No more bagels, no more dunkin donuts. I'm living the Cali life now, which means its all salads and yogurt for me. I'm finally starting to see some changes.

Secondly, even though I have had the project from hell which almost weekly suffers some new crisis, I'm handling it perfectly. Everything I ever needed to know about my job I learned in NYC. I worried during my time in NYC that I would be discovered as a fraud. Turns out I really do know what I'm talking about. And although I still have to fight battles daily with development teams and tech teams, its okay because I have extremely supportive managers who respect my opinion. I lead my own projects and that feels good. People look to me for answers, and it just so turns out that I have them.

And I'm not even pissed that when I had to miss a meeting today someone tried to call me out in front of everyone by "accidently" hitting Reply to all in Outlook with a message--"Please try to attend the meetings on this project :)" I mean seriously, who is falling for that shit anymore? I have never hit "Reply to all" on accident. After she sent the email, the Project Manager stepped in and said that I had sent him note saying I couldn't attend, and suddenly she sent an apology saying she wasn't trying to make me look bad. Well, what the hell else were you doing?

Life is still sailing for me. I am still without living room furniture and a TV, but thank goodness for Lost being streamed online. Still no love prospects on the horizon, and thats fine with me. I decided to just stop talking to that 40 yr old from Match, because the emails were tedious and I just thought his excuses were lame. In fact, I think after next month I'm going to expire my account on Match. I'm over it. I'll take my chances in the analog world of bars, theatres, work, and gyms. Or I won't date at all. It doesn't really matter. I'm happy as things are.

My Pattern

I am starting to realize that I alone am the source of my guy problems. Its almost like my brain and my mouth don't communicate with each other. I find myself walking into situations and saying things I never meant to say or even mean. And by the way, this only happens with guys that I'm attracted to. I am finally understanding my pattern. It starts of with me getting into a conversation I shouldn't be getting into, then it turns into me trying to get out of a situation I sort of put myself into, and then it turns into me giving in to said situation and that is followed by days and weeks of agonizing over my new found status as the potential "fuck buddy" or "hookup girl". Now, in the past I've been able to graciously get out of these situations, simply because I took too long to give into anything and the guy just got tired of waiting and moved on. I'm almost 30 years old, when will I learn to shut my mouth? And why can't I just view sex as a physical thing? Why do I have to think of everything that can go wrong? Sometimes I wish I was more open to giving into my sexual gratifications. Life sure would be easier. But that would make me Shawn.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself

--Mark Twain

While we were laying in bad after the heavy make-out session, the co-worker asked me "Do you ever get lonely?" It was an interesting question because one year ago I would have said yes. But, this is a new time for me and I told him the truth. "No. I've never really been happy in a relationship, except for one time, but other than that, I'm happy being single. In fact, I'm happier than I've been in a long time." That was the truth. I'm not lonely and I've realized no other person can fill something in me that I'm missing. I can't find happiness in someone else. I think that bitter little lesson came with the whole Chris debacle. But it was a lesson I had to learn. Dating sucks, and men can be extremely selfish creatures. So it feels good to be focused on me and exactly what I want, not what makes someone else happy. I'm sure at some point I'll want to care about someone else, but for now caring about me is enough.

Oops I did it again

Last night the co-worker texted and me and wanted to come over. I decided that I needed some physical release, so I said yes. He came over and I laid down some ground rules. I told him he needed to turn up the sensuality and punctuate it with aggression. To which, he agreed. And a couple of hours of enormous pleasure ensued. We didn't have sex, but we just heavily made out. But this time it was fantastic. I made up my mind that I will definitely have sex with him at some point. And then he sent a text that changed my mind again.

So, we were flirting via text today, to which he asked me if we would possibly have sex next time. I answered, I like to do things in order, and we haven't even rounded third base yet. He responded that he was wanting me to go down on him last night. I responded that if I do it then he's doing it too. To which he said, "That'll be a moment decision. If I don't then you don't have to". Um. You want me to suck your dick, but you will decide "in the moment" if you want to eat my puss? Nope. Doesn't work for me. So, my response was "Ugh. If its like that, lets not bother with hooking up anymore". No response.

Now here's the thing, most guys are awful at eating the puss. But, fair is fair. Now, I'm sure he has some lame guidelines about only doing that with girls he cares about...well, guess what--I only have sex with guys I care about, but I'm making an exception. Now, the other part of this, is that I can just not go down on him and have sex with him, no harm no foul. Nope. I like to go down. I have to do it. Not rounding third and going straight to home run is like driving my car with the door open. I can't do one without the other, and I can't go down if he won't go down on me. And that's that. And of course there's a question of power here. Now, I definitely can't back down because I already laid down the law. He can choose to go with it or not. I guess that all depends on how much he wants it. After last night, I know he wants it even more than ever, the way I see it, I win either way. If he doesn't want to go down, I'm not having sex with him. If he does go down, then I got what I wanted (and so did he, I suppose). Basically, its a win-win if he does.

The words that changed everything

So, the co-worker and I hooked up once, almost a month ago. Since then, neither of us has brought it up. We still say hi at work, and its as if nothing has happened. The only indication that something might have happened, is the text message I received from him last Thursday--"Your ass looked hot today, let's hang out soon." Today he came by my desk to tell me that he might be getting promoted and moving to a new building. We talked a for a few minutes and then he left. As I was packing my stuff up ready to leave, he came by my desk and we walked down together. And still, nothing has been mentioned. But things have changed. He doesn't bring up sex around me anymore, and I don't say anything personal anymore. I think he's actually a pretty nice guy and I have a feeling he's seeing someone right now, which is why he isn't trying to jump me anymore.

I feel like I'm in a weird place, because I do like him, he's really funny, very cute, I'm clearly attracted to him, but not in the dating way. But, I wasn't happy being the "hookup girl" either. I had hoped that we would be friends, and I guess under the circumstances, we kind of are. Things could have been majorly awkward, or worse he could have turned into a major douche. In the end, I know it was those 10 words that changed everything (How does a single girl get laid in San Francisco). It was those words that put me in this place and I know I have no one but myself to blame. I guess this is just one of those slightly stinging lessons I had to learn.

P.S. I've been at my job for just shy of 3 months, and I'm going to Mexico City for work the last week in February. Yay!