A year in review: 2007

2006 was the year I started my life. 2007 will end as the year that I took control of my life. I made some monumental changes, mostly near the end of 2007. As a result of accepting my new position with one of the largest .com's ever, I had to move to the West coast after living on the East coast for 3 years. I'm glad I didn't stay in New York. Every day I was there I felt constricted and confined. I can't explain it exactly. But, NYC and I didn't mix so well. Before I left, I was feeling almost lethargic and hopeless. I took a risk in moving my "life" across the coast to a place I never lived. But, thats what life is about-seizing opportunities.

Working for my new company has its own challenges. The process is much different but I have a lot more responsibility and my manager is completely hands off. For me, this means that he trusts me completely to come up with the right solutions. Each and every day I'm convinced I made the right decision for my career. Sometimes I'm not sure how a state school girl got into a first class company in Silicon Valley, but I try to ignore the middle-class guilt that sometimes plagues me.

This year will also go down in history as the year I grew up. The silly days of me falling in love with the wrong men are over. I think Chris really nailed that fact right into my heart. That fucker hurt me real bad. The realization that my well-being cannot afford to be put through the blender like that was a monumental moment for me. The situation which was seemingly nothing to most outsiders looking in, was actually very emotional for me. I was lead on almost the entire time. But, like everything else in life, I'm sure there is some reason for this too. I learned what I needed to learn from that and I'm going to be more cautious in the future about guarding my heart.

In addition to being the year I grew up, this will be also be the year that I learned about myself. I lived in New York alone. I moved there with no one and for the most part didn't have any friends. I spent a lot of time alone. I went to restaurants, museums, plays, and movies alone. In a way, being alone contributed to my depression, but I like to view it as part of my journey. I sort of realized who I was and who I wasn't. I also realized that I preferred hanging out alone over the people I met in NYC. Being alone isn't so bad, especially for a self-centered person like myself. Being alone means I get to always do what I want to do without listening to the complaints of others.

All in all, there were some ups and downs this year. But, I think the year ended on a good note for me. I'm thinking next year will be good too. Things will be good for you all too. Happy New Year!

Re-evaluations

During my trip, I got the chance to see glimpses of other people's relationships. I saw a cross-section of Chris and his girl. I heard the woes of both my ex-boyfriend, and the Native dude. I see my mom and her fiancee. After seeing these different relationships of convenience, I think I'm starting to see a pattern. Most people are not happy in relationships. I know its a small sample size from suburbia but it seems that most people are in relationships so they won't be alone. I have a few married friends, and I'm not convinced they are happy either. Maybe the newlyweds, but life hasn't really happened for them yet. So I'm starting to re-evaluate some things.

Native Friend

About 10 years ago, I worked for an Indian casino in my hometown. Locked in a tiny room with 20 other people, I counted money that flowed through the casino. I started dating one of my Native American co-workers for a few months. He wasn't receiving any bonus or monthly per capita at the time. He was a poor Indian. We never really made out, and we didn't have sex at all. After a few months we stopped dating and awkwardness in the workplace ensued. When I quit, we lost contact.

Yesterday for the first time in 10 years, I saw him. He picked me up in his new Range Rover and took me to his 4 room track home in my hometown. He moved out of the reservation and has a really nice house overlooking the mountains. He gave me the grand tour of his house which had a plasma tv in every room ranging from 36 inches to 65. He had a pool table, and outdoor barbeque, a small pool and two tiny chihuahuas. I felt like I was on MTV Cribs. He doesn't work anymore, so he spends his days bowling, golfing, getting more tattoos and home improvement projects. While I was there, he smoked me out which was awesome, since I have a new love for pot.

I've always found him to be a pleasant person, and it was nice to know he was still the same. Except now he's rich. I got the sense he was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend of five years soon, and he worried about girls wanting him for his money, which is completely valid. I never got the sense he was hitting on me, which was nice. It felt like I was talking to an old friend and it was real cool.

All I want is love

After the second date with the Englishman, I decided to text him and ask him to meet with me. The idea was to have a real chat with him about my bizarre behavior. I wanted to make sure he understood that I have my guard up as a result of recent heartbreak. When he didn't respond, I left him a voicemail. Still no response. That was like 3 days ago. Apparently he's super busy. But when I was on match.com yesterday I saw he was "Online Now". So apparently he's too busy being on match and not responding to me. I'm chocking this one up to a loss. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him anyway.

After seeing Chris with his chick, I'm starting to think I'm the only person (aside from Shawn) that will never be in love again. Or be loved at all. After I saw Chris, we went to another bar and I hung out with one of my exes last night from high school the first guy that taught me about painful relationships. He's been extremely apologetic to me for the way he treated me, he regrets everything that happened between us and still claims to love me. When the four of us were sitting at Denny's he started to cry again in front of everyone about the way things ended between us. No amount of apologies or tears can take back how he treated me. Though, I'm thankful that he finally recognized my value. When will someone recognize it now? When will I get the guy?

Small time life

I'm in my hometown for the holidays. Last night I wanted to go "bar hopping" in this shithole. My friend and I went to an Irish pub-the only decent place in this area. Well, I should have known what would happen. It was midnight and I thought we were cool, until I caught sight of Chris's brother. And a few seconds later saw Chris with his new girlfriend, the stupid bitch who emailed me on myspace. The fucking girl is still with him! After all that shit. When I saw him, my heart dropped. For a second I freaked out. Then, I went up to him and he tried to hug me. I pushed him away from me and then he said, "how are you?" I said, "great" with the most sarcasm I could muster. "Is this your girlfriend" I said. "Yeah, its Pam". And then he went on hugging her. She was completely unaware of the convo, b/c she was facing the band. After that I just walked away and left. But, its okay. I'm not as bothered as I thought I would be.

An ipod for Christmas

Sometimes I forget that I work in the valley of the .coms. And sometimes I forget that I work for one of the goliaths of the .coms. Until today. We had a holiday party and everyone got a Dr. Seuss book "Going Places" and an iPod Nano (8gb). I'm thankful to work for a place that treats their employees well. Its the perfect relationship.

An Evening of Chastity

Tonight I went out with the Englishman again. We had dessert and coffee and discussed photography, facebook, software engineering, anxiety, and Portishead. I like talking to him thats for sure. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him though. Maybe I'm worrying to much about it. I've decided I'm going to see where it goes even if I don't feel an immediate desire to fuck him senseless. How long does it take to determine if he's just a friend or not? When our evening concluded, he gave me a smooch on the lips and of course, I was tense. He said, "You are so chaste." I said, "Really?" to which he replied, "You are afraid I'm going to try to stick my tongue down your throat" and I said "Well aren't you?" I then explained to him that I have to go slow. He said, "Its okay".

It made me feel good to hear him call me chaste. I just feel like I need to take my time and I'm not sure why. I feel like someone is holding a full-length mirror in front of me and suddenly I can see all the emotional pain that has been inflicted on me through the years. Its this emotional pain that prohibits me from wanting to be physical with him I think. It just feels like too much to have someone who I like talking to want to move to that next level with me. Whereas in the case of the hot co-worker, I know its just physical and although I like him as a person, I know exactly what to expect and it isn't much.

At this point, I've decided to listen to my friend Greg. He said that my problem is that I like "pretty boys" who tend to be asses. He told me that I should give the "average joes" a chance and after a time, I'll realize I'm in love with them. There's probably a lot of truth in what he says. Lately, I've been hung up on looks and immediate sexual attraction. Maybe its time I grow up.

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins

I've always been a girl with a tremendous amount of anxiety. Anxiety runs on my mother's side and if you met her you'd definitely see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree of anxiety. Most of my large scale decisions were fueled by fear especially relationships. Which brings me to the Englishman. He called me yesterday and wants to see me tomorrow. We are flickr friends, which mean he's forging a social networking connection with me--a good sign. On paper, this guy is perfect for me. He has the right job, makes the right money, has the same philosophies on marriage and kids as I do. He comes from a middle-class family like I do and was the first to graduate from college. And he likes me. So, why am I worried?

At the heart of the matter is the most stupid girl thing. My interest in the co-worker is fueled by sexual attraction. I've always been drawn to men who have been very clear about wanting me for one thing. Its very alpha male, and it goes against all my good sense. But there it is, all raw and naked. I'm worried that I may not be sexually attracted to the Englishman. The co-worker and I have been eye-fucking each other at work now for like 6 weeks, so maybe its had time to simmer, whereas the Englishman I've only met once. The Englishman is not ugly he's probably about normal. I'm extremely worried that I would be the stupid girl that blows a good thing because she's hung up on the empty and heartbreaking road of superficial passion. And as my sagacious friend Frankie pointed out, in the past when I followed that road, I got hurt big time. And I still carry the scars from those torrid, empty love affairs.

At this point, I feel like all the realizations and conclusions and life changing epiphanies I've had in the course of the last year can easily go down the drain if I don't use my mind. I am always the purveyor of advice, so now I guess its time to put it to the test and really give this guy a chance. Maybe all my preconceptions of "passion" are wrong. Maybe passion grows delicately between to people who have mutual respect for each other and have shared interests. The Englishman thinks I'm "arty and interesting" its nice to be around someone who isn't reminding me of how horny they are every 10 minutes.

A date with an Englishman

Tonight I had my first date with someone from Match.com. He was much better looking than he was in his photo which was a definite plus. I had expected a mediocre looking fellow. He was every bit as interesting as I thought he would be and wicked intelligent too. He works as a software engineer for Apple and was lured from the UK to work here for them in their main office. We had a lot to talk about and there was never a lapse in conversation. He attempted to kiss me in the bar, to which I recoiled and pulled back. For me, I need a few more dates before I enter the 'kissing' zone. I'm surprisingly prudish in this respect. I know I am probably sexually attracted to him, but its utterly impossible for me to act on anything so soon. I'm physically incapable of doing so. However, after he walked me to my car, he insisted on trying to kiss me again. This time I didn't resist, but I didn't give him any tongue. So, our departing kisses ended up being multiple smooches interwoven with my giggles. I'm shockingly high schoolish when it comes to these things. He said, "You are all giggly, I would never have expected that". Truth be told, it felt good to kiss him. It wasn't sexual for me, but his lips felt so soft and so nice on mine. I think he was trying to kiss me to establish that there was more than just friendship here. I think I'll be seeing him again. He was very nice to hang out with. I'm feeling hopeful, but still in control of everything.

Fuck Buddies: Situations and Pitfalls

As a result of a pending proposition--I'm sure the co-worker is going to formally ask me to be his fuck buddy any day now. He came to my desk today to discuss in person that he is looking for a fuck buddy. It's rather funny actually. Who the hell says that shit? He does. I recommended that he try a White girl since he lamented on the fact that Indian girls live with their parents. As does he. (He's Indian too) I've basically deflected his prodding by suggesting that he go out and find someone to hook up with and to let me know how it turns out. He said he's never had a fuck buddy because he's only been with girls he's dated, but he's ready to enter the fuck buddy zone with someone. So, I gave him a shortened version of my personal view of the various fuck buddy situations which I've outlined below. In my opinion its not worth the drama. And in case you were wondering why I'm indulging him, well for two reasons, I'm entertained by the whole situation and I'm bored.

First off, the fuck buddy situation needs to be clearly outlined with both parties so there's no misunderstandings. In most scenarios, both parties need to be single. The underlying fact is that as soon as one person gets into a relationship, the sex usually ends. It might take awhile for the guy to stop, but once he gets really involved, he's going to cut you off.

Situation 1: The two people are actually friends and spend time together maybe even go to the movies and out to other places and then they fuck like wild dogs in heat. The sex is probably very sensual, because these two have a friendship and respect each other.

This sounds good in theory, but then it starts to feel like a real relationship, which both parties agreed they didn't want in the first place. Eventually problems arise because more than likely the girl was thinking of this guy as her boyfriend, until he states that he's interested in another girl. Then feelings get hurt, and once the sex stops it becomes really difficult to hang out with them without having sex and then eventually they stop speaking to each other. In this scenario you lose a friend and good sex.

Situation 2: The two people sorta know each other or they are more like acquaintences that may or may not even like each other. They agree the situation is simply for fucking. There are no frills or romance.

This is the standard 9pm booty call without eye contact and probably doggy style only. (So he doesn't have to look at you) You are just ass to him and he is just cock to you. When he's done, he's literally half way out the door and if you happen to orgasm, then its by sheer luck, because he didn't care either way.

This situation has the potential to get ugly. Meaningless sex for most people is just to get your jollies. After awhile, it isnt very good anymore. But, even in this case, the girl at some point will probably develop feelings for this asshole (because thats what girls do), or she will start to despise him and become disgusted by his every action and his selfishness.

In this scenario, it can go either way--either she dumps him because of her disgust, or he dumps her because he's moved on to new booty. There's a real good chance she'll get hurt either way though.

Sitation 3: In this sitation the two individuals do not live in the same state. So they only engage with each other sporadically throughout the year.

This is otherwise known as the Long Distance Fuck Buddy. This situation is advantageous for both parties, because the distance is a natural separation that prevents the usual build up of feelings that occur with frequent sex. This ends up being the "I'm in town" guy and has potential to last for years if both parties are open to it. And of course there are no hard feelings because both individuals are tied to their areas of residence. I find that this scenario works out the best. Its possible these two people have a real friendship and probably have very intimate sex.

Smoke in Mirrors

Recently a friend of mine blogged about someone saying "I thought you were hotter". This got me thinking about something I believe to be true. Other people's eyes are our mirrors. Sometimes what we see and what others see about us don't match. When I view myself I see certain characteristics. I think I'm fat, I think I'm mildly attractive, and reasonably smart. Other people don't quite think I'm so fat, and think maybe either I'm very attractive or not at all. And while we know that other people's opinions are subjective, it would be complete bullshit to ignore the feedback of our peers. The only time I disregard feedback if its by a female I don't know. Girls will rarely complement on another girls appearance if they don't know them. If the girl is pretty, they will still find something negative to say, thats just in our jealous natures. Petty but completely true in most cases.

But its also true that how people perceive us is how we perceive ourselves. If 30 people walk by and comment on how unattractive you are, you will start to see yourself differently. It easy to disregard one or two people's opinions, but in bulk, it starts to change your perceptions. Sometimes this isn't always bad. For most of my life, people have seen my strengths while I was completely ignorant of them. If these people hadn't seen them, I would have never been able to get some of the opportunities that have come my way. I hate to say this, but what people think absolutely factors into one's self-identity. As I get older, I find that I'm less affected by what others think because my own successes have fueled my own self-worth. I've also learned to focus more on my abilities rather than my appearance for self-worth. People can always deny your attractiveness, but they can't deny your accomplishments. Those I can stand on.

Conversations with Other Women

Today I left work early because I'm sick. I went home and watched Conversations with Other Women on my Netflix VOD. The movie is interesting in many respects. It's shot in a split screen format and the whole film is about one man and one woman who meet at a wedding and talk. It isn't immediately clear if they know each other, but it turns out they were married previously. While they are flirting and talking on side of the screen, the other side of the screen shows them in their youth, married and in love living in New York City. The man tells the woman that his ex-wife was "a great fuck and a great friend."

I'm not sure why, but this film really touched me. For a large part of my adult life, I never believed I could love anyone else. Until I met Peter. With him, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I loved him and he loved me. For the only time in my life, I was happy with another person. I felt I could trust him and let him see who I really am. But people change. That's inevitable. I haven't seen or heard from him in years. I can still imagine having the same kind of conversation with him as the two people in that movie. Its bizarre to think that at one moment in your lives things appeared to have a predictable ending. He spoke of being married and having a daughter with me. At the time, I could definitely see that happening. Now, I couldn't even imagine having a relationship with him. We are two different people who went in very different directions in life. It makes me wonder that if two people were intended to be together would it still work? Even if you put in the time and the effort, does it even matter?

I've worked extra hard in situations with men who could careless. And, I'm pretty sure I won't do a thing for a man who really does love me. I have no idea why I'm like that. I've suspected for a long time that I'm incapable of having a close relationship with another human. Especially men. I fall for those who I know can never fall for me. The thought of being with someone day in and day out scares the shit out of me. I don't know if I can handle being that close to another person. I guess maybe if they are the right guy...but all the guys start off all right and then they start to tarnish. I think there are some people who will always have that sexually charged mutual attraction and emotional connection that only the two of you can understand. Sometimes that isnt the person you end up with.

Fashion for the Masses

So, this is my second posting for the day. I felt that this topic needed its own post and couldn't be lumped into a single posting. I went to work today. In SF I bought a burgundy silk dress that went about 2.5 inches above the knee. You can see it here. I wore it like this girl did in the picture, as you can tell its a bit cleavagy, so I wore a black tank underneath. In addition, I wore black crocheted tights (Roberto Cavalli, in case you were interested) and my black boots. Now, I know I looked cute. The problem is that my co-workers look like shit. And not the "we're comfortable" but kind of like shit. Some look comfortable, some look like they are lucky if they make it out of the door matching. What I wore today I could have easily worn at my old office and no one would have even given me a second glance.

Today, I just felt like everyone was looking at me. I saw the girls looking me up and down. I can't tell if they are admiring or judging or both. Or jealous that they can't wear that kind of shit. I have big boobs that can't be hidden, though I try. I wear tanks and I've been extra careful to wear things that don't accentuate. My question to you all is this: Should I conform to their low standards of fashion? Am I somehow hurting my career and risking not being taken seriously--or are these just jealous bitches that I shouldn't let bother me? Keep in mind that nothing about me is "toned down". As soon as I speak, people know I'm not to be fucked with. Maybe I'm just being over analytical. My co-worker told me that I "dress beautifully". What do you think?

Internet Dating

"Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love won’t look for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because 'the right books are found only by accident.' ...serendipity is the hallmark of inefficient markets, and the marketplace of love is becoming more efficient"--Wired Magazine (2002)

I've been on match.com for like 5 days now. My biggest fear is that I'll see a co-worker or manager on there and an even bigger fear is that they will "wink" at me. So far, I've gotten a lot of responses on that site. I can only deduce that there are fewer women in the bay area (silicon valley) and even fewer women who actually take care of themselves (judging from my peers at work). So far, I've chatted with a French man and I'm emailing with someone from the UK on a 3 year visa.

I'm trying things differently this time. The man from the UK is by no means a show stopper, but both his profile and his emails make me laugh. That's really hard to do in that type of environment. If nothing else, I might have made myself a friend. The other men who've emailed me have had questionable usernames like "whoseyourdaddy". Delete. One man had the audacity to say "Looking for an attractive woman to start a family with" and so far the best I've seen is "Looking for a low-maintainence and laid-back girl who is kind of bitchie...because I like that for a reason!!!!" I almost emailed him, but he was only 25. I feel good about this. I think I might meet some interesting people. The candidates are a lot more promising than the ones I was getting on e-harmony and that was NYC after all.

Happy birthday to me

I decided I wouldn't be alone for my birthday, so I went to a meetup in SF in the morning. It was a meetup in Pacific Heights with an amazing view of the bay. I passed by Senator Feinstein's abode which was on a street with huge mansions. As usual, I met a lot of interesting people and a couple of people from my job actually. The only thing is that the woman I met that works with me is kinda weird. But, I guess beggers can't be choosy. She wants to travel to Mexico with me. After the meetup, I went to lunch with a several of the people and then went shopping in the Hayes Valley shopping district. What a poor excuse for a "shopping district" there were like 4 clothing stores. Lame. When I got back to San Jo, Carissa called me to see if I wanted to have drinks somewhere. We went to the Hotel de Anza in downtown and I had three champagne cocktails in the bar. It was really nice and quite classy. I told her thank you, because I could have ended up having a lonely birthday, to which she responded, "I wouldn't have let that happen." I gotta give this girl credit. She has been a great friend to me. Though, I sometimes feel like we don't have anything in common, she really has been there for me. I feel lucky to have her in my life actually. And now I ride out the 20's in style.

Goodbye 20's, Hello Sexual Peak

Holy shit. It's my fucking birthday and guess what...I'm exiting my fucking 20's. But I'm not afraid, because I have nothing but my 30's to look forward to, which supposedly is the key to sexual happiness. Bear with me folks, I'm drunk on 3 champagne cocktails but I'm about to bare some confessions. I haven't gotten laid since August, but the douchebag we shall call Chris. Sex with him was eh. I can say that now. It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst. But, lately I've been having amazing sex. By myself. Who knew how amazing I was? And without the drama of another guy? Seriously, I can have multiples on my own now, something I could never do before. And I blame it all on becoming 30 soon. I realize before I know it I'm going to be 40 and still feeling like I'm fuckin' 24. But, I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how amazing my 30s will be. Tomorrow, when I'm sober I'll tell you all about my day in the city. Right now I just wanted to let you know about my amazing sex life.

Single Mexican American Female with Glorious Tits seeks Social Nerd for Laughter and Nerdy Conversation

Today, my team had an offsite. We went to lunch at a pizza place and followed that up with three friendly games of laser tag. While at the laser tag place they surprised me with a birthday cake. How sweet. I think I finally narrowed down the kind of man I want. A social nerd. There are some guys on my team that aren't "hot" or even traditionally "attractive", but they have such awesome personalities. They are really funny, very smart, and super nice guys. They are also very interesting people. And guess what, I have fun with them. One of these social nerds, started talking about how he wanted to be a scientist who studied birds, and proceeded to do a "bird word" for the American Swallow. That's really interesting.

The social nerd is a creature of many diverse interests, but still recognizes common humor and also makes jokes himself. This guy is really fun and I feel like I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to understand what it is I need. Turns out its not the 6'2'' guy with the green eyes and dark skin. But its the smart guy who totally makes me laugh. And who cares if others don't think he's hot. He just has to be attractive to me. These men on my team are off limits of course, but I can see myself really starting to become attracted to them if I spent more time with them and they weren't off limits. I can't believe I didn't realize this before. I'm hopeful that there are more social nerds in silicon valley. Not to be confused with the socially-awkward nerd. Those guys are no fun. And the hot business school types need not apply, because those guys ultimately have too much confidence and think just cuz a sista makes a joke about sex, she's going to automatically give it up. Sorry honey, I'm saving myself for the social nerd of my dreams...

Good enough to Fuck

The co-worker IM'd me today at work. We had some boring convo about meetings, and suddenly the convo took a turn for the worst. Suddenly we were discussing sex and defining fuck buddy situations and all that shit. When I left work I was slightly upset. This guy just wants to fuck me. While this was happening on IM, I sent the log to Shawn to read, since he was online and I was telling him about it.

So while I was driving home, Shawn calls to tell me that it was partially my fault. For once in my life, I realize that Shawn is right. There was a pivotal moment in the convo when he was "testing the waters" and I allowed it to happen. Someone else would have changed the subject, but no, I've always been a tease so naturally I went down that road of indescretion. It was my fault completely that he thought he could fuck me. He pretty much almost asked me. I think I realize that the problem is that I am too normal with guys right away. Just because I say something like "how does a single girl get laid around here" doesn't mean I'm going to do you or anyone for that matter. Its a joke. I'm starting to understand why men sometimes get the wrong idea about me. Its because of me. Below is part of the convo...it got way worse than this. I didn't copy that part of the log. I'm almost embarassed to put this up, because I can see completely that it was so my fault

[16:24] cherie: i dont just do dudes randomly
[16:26] co-worker: hahah, yet you call urself a classy ho
[16:26] co-worker: and i never said random dudes
[16:26] cherie: true
[16:26] cherie: classy bitch
[16:26] co-worker: it could be someone u know as well
[16:26] cherie: that works too
[16:26] cherie: i know exactly 2 people in san jo
[16:29] co-worker: who are the 2?
[16:29] cjerie: well outside of work
[16:29] cherie: my married friends
[16:29] cherie: one boy and one girl
[16:29] co-worker: u could always get some from them?
[16:29] cherie: yeah, i dont think they are into that
[16:30] cherie: her husband is hot though
[16:30] cherie: but i dont do married people
[16:30] co-worker: yeah that'd be weird
[16:30] co-worker: ok what about someone at work...u could always proposition someone
[16:30] co-worker: hehe
[16:31] cherie: hmm
[16:31] cherie: who would that be?
[16:31] co-worker: someone in management to get ahead perhaps?
[16:31] co-worker: yup
[16:31] co-worker: [manager name]
[16:31] cherie: he's married
[16:31] co-worker: oh right
[16:31] cherie: he violates my rules
[16:32] co-worker: i think everyone in mgmt is married
[16:32] cherie: yeah i think so
[16:32] cherie: maybe a power lesbian
[16:32] cherie: i havent seen any here though
[16:33] co-worker: haha, that could work too
[16:34] co-worker: but hookin up with someone at work gets complicated
[16:34] cherie: unless u agree that's its just for hookin up
[16:35] cherie: oh really?

[16:41] co-worker: when was the last time you "hit 3rd"...?
[16:41] cherie: hmm
[16:42] cherie: well i guess that would have been in august
[16:42] co-worker: been a while for u
[16:42] cherie: i was in a long-distant type thing
[16:42] co-worker: mine was october
[16:42] cherie: so that meant every few months
[16:42] cherie: with the ex?
[16:42] co-worker: but i'm definitely chompin at the bit for some.
[16:42] co-worker: yup, the ex.
[16:42] cherie: what are you going to do about it?
[16:43] co-worker: find someone to hook up with

The Eternal Pessimist

Every morning when I log into IM, Shawn and I inevitably have a conversation regarding relationships. Sometimes he tells me about some sexploit of his. Sometimes I start off with how "I'm so over men". But it always ends with a polite disagreement on whether or not I'm being pessimistic toward the idea of finding love or being a realist. I think I'm a realist. Ever since Chris burned me, and I read He's just not that into you, I view dating very differently. As a result I view men differently. I realize now its all a huge game, and the first one that buckles wins. Men love to hunt women and I think in the past, I've ruined the chase by showing them I care too early in the game.

Everytime I meet someone new I want to size them up to see if they are the "one". I know I should just go with the flow but I don't feel like I'm a good dater. I feel like I'm more of a relationship girl. So, I decided to take Shawn's advice and take up e-dating again. I decided to go with Match.com this time because E-harmony is lame. I think I'm doing it more to get used to the idea of dating and apply all the new things I've learned since reading HJNTITY. I also think e-dating does widen the net a bit more. I go out, but I know men find me intimidating, not because I'm so beautiful (I am an attractive girl, not a model by any means), but because I appear confident and a girl who knows what she wants. Which means that there are only two types of guys who hit on me: The super confident guys and the guys who don't have anything to lose. The latter types are the ones I've been with the most. I'm viewing this as a healthy start. I don't expect to find anyone of exceptional value during this match.com experiment, I'm more worried about seeing my co-workers on there and how embarassing thats going to be.

A new attitude

I had a long talk with my dad today. And it was what I needed. My dad doesn't sugarcoat anything for me. He tells me the cold, hard truth. He told me that I should have never asked the co-worker to lunch. He also said that I shouldn't be upset that my boss irritates me, rather I should get as much knowledge from her as possible without letting her know that I have plans for her job someday. Lastly, he reminded me that my move was primarily motivated by my career. As simple as all these things are, I realize that he's right. I have a perception problem. I'm trying to make a go of my life. I'm determined to not let the fact that I have few people here bother me. I've signed up for a meetup in SF on Saturday. I'm also thinking of starting my own which would be a book club focusing on Latin American authors. As a side note, my photo was selected for inclusion for Schmap's Travel guide to Buffalo. You can see it here, with my full name credited.

It Couldn't Last Forever

Naturally after a month at my new job and in my new environment, the time would come when my high wore off and my inclination toward pessimism would set in. I don't know if I'm just starting off a shitty week or what, but I came to a few conclusions today.

1. I don't like the senior designer I work with


2. The co-worker is just not that into me


3. San Francisco kinda sucks

Let's start with number 1. My senior designer is almost like a manager and I've been working very closely with her on a few projects. It all started last week when she was 30 minutes late to a meeting and proceeded to waste everyones time while we recapped everything. On Friday, she worked from home and as the supervising designer she is responsible for reading my documents. I sent out a document to meet a deadline at 6pm on Friday night. I waited around for a bit to see if anyone had anything to say. No one did. Today, she asks me some questions about it. "Didn't you read it on Friday" I said. The project was supposed to start being built on Sunday. Her ass should have read it on Friday, like she was supposed to. Obviously she had no real good answer, because the bottom line is that she should have read it. I think I'm going to have a major problem working with her. She irritates the shit out of me. She's a nice person, but I find myself wanting to walk away whenever she wants to talk to me. The co-worker told me that the person whose role I filled left because "she didn't like her manager".

Speaking of the co-worker, I came to the conclusion that he's totally not into me. He doesn't call, text, or IM me at all. Yes, I get I've known him all of three weeks, but if he really was interested in being a friend at least, I feel like he would have made more of an effort. He's attracted to me, that part is clear. I already did my part by inviting him to lunch. So, thats the end of that. Unfortunately, he was the only person outside of my married friend that I know in San Jose.

And speaking of my married friend, I mentioned to her that it is my birthday on Saturday. To which she answered, "What are you going to do?". Nice. So, I guess thats a hint that I'm going to be spending this birthday on my own. No problem, I'm kind of used to doing things on my own. Which brings me to number 3 on the list. So, I thought I would spend the day to myself in San Francisco. Well guess what. I couldn't find shit to do. The SFMOMA looks lame. No captivating Indie flicks to choose from. No interesting theatre performances. Nothing. Fuck SF. They think they have some lively cultural scene, they suck balls compared to the cultural scene in NYC. Which brings me to my next point.

I'm wondering if I should have ever moved here. I know I'm speaking from my emotions right now and I'm not being rational at all. But, I just don't know how I'm ever going to make friends here. It just doesn't seem possible. The meetups aren't as prolific. There aren't a lot of activities for me to participate in. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm all alone again. I guess I really have to face my life alone. Maybe after a couple of years, I will meet some friends. I have no idea. I'm determined to not be depressed this time around. I could feel it wanting to set in.

Earned Arrogance

It's only arrogance if you're wrong.

Someone recently called me arrogant. I'm not sure that I really am, but when I was talking to a friend recently he referred to himself as having "earned arrogance". He grew up in the foothills of Lake Elsinore, the son of a White Trash family. His brother was in a Vietnamese gang, his mom and dad on and off again alcoholics and drug users. When I would drop him off at his house, there would be police helicopters hovering over his neighborhood looking for convicts. By all means of circumstance, he should have ended up knocking up some ghetto chick and working at the casino. Instead he put himself through school and is now a teacher who is planning on getting a Master's degree soon and go into administration some day. Teaching isn't my thing really, but good for him for doing his thing. He's doing what he always wanted to do. He's educated and has a steady career. So is it okay for him to be proud of his accomplishments and achievements? Yeah.

I think people have this misguided thinking that its bad to feel proud of your achievements. Its not like he's overbearing and throwing it in people's faces like an obnoxious asshole, but really he's come a long way. So, I'm not sure why people think we should all act like its no big deal, because that is denying all the effort it took to get to this place. And that's not fair.

I didn't go to Harvard, and I am the daughter of a lower-middle class family whose parents are smart but didn't really finish school. (Dad did recently though) My parents believe in perserverance and hard work, so paying for my schooling was never an option for me, even if they did have the money. I had to find my own way, and I did. And yes, I consider my life a success. And yes, I feel I have much further to go. And I will. That's the thing about success, its always over there. So, is it wrong of me to say that I'm successful? No. Absolutely not. I make no apologies for myself.

80's Night

Last night, I went with my married friend and her husband to 80's night in SF. I'm not a huge fan of 80's night in general, because I didn't really listen to that kind of music in the 80's but I figured I would just go and have fun. But what ended up happening, was that my married friends made me feel single. When they were dancing, they were dancing to each other and I became the creepy girl trying to get in on it. I don't think it was intentional, but I sort of felt like I was the extra person and I decided to just sit down and people watch for the rest of the night. Of course, this made them want to sit with me, but I insisted that I just wanted to watch and told them to go "do their thing".

I had this thought while I was sitting there, that I still can't believe I'm single. There's no reason in the world that I should be single. And yet, here I am sitting in the dark corner of the club brooding. I can't help to be slightly angry that someone as awesome as myself is still single. Worse, I've been rejected and dumped by scumbags, as if I wasn't good enough for them. While I was sitting there watching them, I'm still not sure I understand how they got together. They told me they were not physically attracted to each other at first. That they really started off as only friends. I just don't get it. She got herself a great guy. He's hot and he's really funny. I always enjoy being around them, I think he lightens her up a bit. She is definitely Charlotte. On a side note, what's up with 80's night being attended by Goth people?