Today I left work early because I'm sick. I went home and watched Conversations with Other Women on my Netflix VOD. The movie is interesting in many respects. It's shot in a split screen format and the whole film is about one man and one woman who meet at a wedding and talk. It isn't immediately clear if they know each other, but it turns out they were married previously. While they are flirting and talking on side of the screen, the other side of the screen shows them in their youth, married and in love living in New York City. The man tells the woman that his ex-wife was "a great fuck and a great friend."
I'm not sure why, but this film really touched me. For a large part of my adult life, I never believed I could love anyone else. Until I met Peter. With him, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I loved him and he loved me. For the only time in my life, I was happy with another person. I felt I could trust him and let him see who I really am. But people change. That's inevitable. I haven't seen or heard from him in years. I can still imagine having the same kind of conversation with him as the two people in that movie. Its bizarre to think that at one moment in your lives things appeared to have a predictable ending. He spoke of being married and having a daughter with me. At the time, I could definitely see that happening. Now, I couldn't even imagine having a relationship with him. We are two different people who went in very different directions in life. It makes me wonder that if two people were intended to be together would it still work? Even if you put in the time and the effort, does it even matter?
I've worked extra hard in situations with men who could careless. And, I'm pretty sure I won't do a thing for a man who really does love me. I have no idea why I'm like that. I've suspected for a long time that I'm incapable of having a close relationship with another human. Especially men. I fall for those who I know can never fall for me. The thought of being with someone day in and day out scares the shit out of me. I don't know if I can handle being that close to another person. I guess maybe if they are the right guy...but all the guys start off all right and then they start to tarnish. I think there are some people who will always have that sexually charged mutual attraction and emotional connection that only the two of you can understand. Sometimes that isnt the person you end up with.