I've always been a girl with a tremendous amount of anxiety. Anxiety runs on my mother's side and if you met her you'd definitely see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree of anxiety. Most of my large scale decisions were fueled by fear especially relationships. Which brings me to the Englishman. He called me yesterday and wants to see me tomorrow. We are flickr friends, which mean he's forging a social networking connection with me--a good sign. On paper, this guy is perfect for me. He has the right job, makes the right money, has the same philosophies on marriage and kids as I do. He comes from a middle-class family like I do and was the first to graduate from college. And he likes me. So, why am I worried?
At the heart of the matter is the most stupid girl thing. My interest in the co-worker is fueled by sexual attraction. I've always been drawn to men who have been very clear about wanting me for one thing. Its very alpha male, and it goes against all my good sense. But there it is, all raw and naked. I'm worried that I may not be sexually attracted to the Englishman. The co-worker and I have been eye-fucking each other at work now for like 6 weeks, so maybe its had time to simmer, whereas the Englishman I've only met once. The Englishman is not ugly he's probably about normal. I'm extremely worried that I would be the stupid girl that blows a good thing because she's hung up on the empty and heartbreaking road of superficial passion. And as my sagacious friend Frankie pointed out, in the past when I followed that road, I got hurt big time. And I still carry the scars from those torrid, empty love affairs.
At this point, I feel like all the realizations and conclusions and life changing epiphanies I've had in the course of the last year can easily go down the drain if I don't use my mind. I am always the purveyor of advice, so now I guess its time to put it to the test and really give this guy a chance. Maybe all my preconceptions of "passion" are wrong. Maybe passion grows delicately between to people who have mutual respect for each other and have shared interests. The Englishman thinks I'm "arty and interesting" its nice to be around someone who isn't reminding me of how horny they are every 10 minutes.
1 comment:
finally you are out there dating and can see my perspective. love isnt always black and white. just because someone is good on paper and might treat you well, nothing beats that crazy feeling that only chemistry can bring. and thats why you are drawn to the co-worker. the englishman is who you would be better off with, but the co-worker makes the magic happen. but we cant go to disneyland every day sweetheart. remember the law of dimished returns.
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