The email

Last week on my birthday, an ex emailed me. Not just an ex, but THE ex. The one that made me realize what love was. Long story short, we ended up in a long distance relationship which he terminated just a few months before graduation and my return home. Needless to say, I ended up not moving home, and moving to NYC instead. Probably the best thing that could have happened to me actually. Since we broke up in January of 2006, we hadn't communicated at all.

Then comes the awkward email:

I debated with myself whether or not it would be a good idea to wish you a Happy Birthday. I'm pretty sure its today; but I might be wrong. Anyways, I hope everything is going super for you and that you have a great day.
bye,
-p

I don't get it. I'm sure he was trying to be nice or something, but it kind of ruined my day a bit. I started to think about our times together, and I really couldn't remember too much. I know I was happy, but it was that hollow happiness that you know will go away because I knew he wasn't emotionally strong. I emailed him back a short email saying thank you, and now I think he probably didn't deserve that.

I do subscribe to the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy and I'm happy things turned out the way they did. I have an amazing boyfriend. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life. It took me a long time to get over that guy, but as a result I was able to appreciate a good man when I see one.

And now I'm at a better place in my life. It's almost like exes know when you are over them and they send these emails to try to make sure you don't forget. All it did was remind me of what it used to be like to date someone who wasn't man enough for me.

The problem with forgiveness

Yes Shawn, I'm now blogging about this.

So, a few weeks ago someone I knew like 10 years ago invited me as a friend on facebook. This guy was a douche and someone I can care less about. I had two options: allow him to peek into my fabulous life, or deny him the indulgence. I decided since the last I spoke to him he was an idiot, then why would I change my mind about him. Request denied. Or hidden, in the case of facebook.

So here's the problem. Some argue that I have a problem forgiving people. That is untrue. I have forgiven people when they have acknowledged wrong doing. Or, have interacted with them after the fact and realized they have changed.

If I have wronged someone, I wouldn't dare have the nerve to add them on facebook or any other place for that matter, because quite frankly I would feel guilty about the fact that I may have mistreated them in some way and never said sorry. And in other cases, I apologize when I know I was out of line.

And while my critics claim that I am unforgiving and should just get over it, I say to you, why should people be excused for their unacceptable behavior? Yes, maybe it was 10 years ago, but if that was the last time I interacted with you, my mental map displays an unpleasant view of you. Why would that have changed? Its a case of association. I associate this person with unpleasant experiences. I associate this person with an asshole. So, unless I bumped into this guy at the mall next week and realized he's turned into an amazing person. I can't see why I would change my mind.

Some people in my life has committed what I consider major transgressions. This person was an unloyal friend, and for me that is a cardinal sin because I take my friendships seriously. I'm tired of people acting as if their behaviors don't impact other people. People need to take responsibility for their behavior.

And yes, its just facebook, and yes I have the option to deny. But, its the overall principal of the matter.

And yes, I'm over it, but these kind of things always bug me about social networking.

What will they say about you?

A few weeks ago I had some problems with a girl on my team. I had worked with her previously and also had an unpleasant experience. The last straw was an email thread to the entire team including managers, where she tried to call me out. I committed a cardinal work sin by responding to the entire thread with a subtle email which anyone could read between the lines and see my frustration. This lead to my managers talking to her managers and surprisingly this girl had a squeaky clean record.

Since no one had ever said anything about her before, it was clear her manager thought it was me. My manager then posed the question to me, "What will everyone say about you?". This simple question caught me off guard. Its the kind of question that I feel everyone should be asking themselves all the time in all situations. If you thought about the impressions you leave behind, what would you want people to say about you? Clearly, not everyone will like you. I am concerned with the kind of lasting characteristics that people will respect. I want to be viewed as a person of integrity, good character, loyal, and funny.

In order to find out what people thought of me, I did the hard task of asking my co-workers to tell me honestly if they find me difficult to work with. I prepared myself for the worst, and shockingly, everyone I spoke to said no. The word "opinionated" came up a few times, but never "difficult". It was a good exercise to do to make sure people's perception of you are matching with your own. While its true, some will not tell you what they really think, I asked people who I know would be honest with me.

Aside from the work aspect, I wondered what my friends would say. I also think about those interactions I have with the people I come into contact with in my life like cashiers and food service workers. Am I leaving behind a positive footprint in my daily life? No. But, I can start to think about how I leave impressions on other people. But getting back to the question at hand...

My response to my manager was, "They will say I know my shit".

My twenties: A review

My twenties are officially over and I've accumulated a list of the ten things I learned during the last decade.

• I learned that when I apply myself I can do almost anything I want to do.


• I learned that the work it takes to accomplish a goal is worth more to me than the paper its printed on.


• I learned that making good friends is not easy to do and becomes much harder as you get older.


• I learned that I will probably never live close to some of best friends ever again, so I have to work hard to maintain those friendships.


• I learned that it is all about who you know, and personality counts.


• I learned that sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before finding the right guy, and sometimes he shows up in unexpected ways.


• I learned how to adapt to new and uncomfortable situations.


• I learned how to spend time alone.


• I learned that even if it takes a few years, your ex will always contact you when you are truly over him.


• I finally learned what the saying, "you have to love yourself before you love anyone else" means. It means that people who love themselves don't put up with other people's shit.

Hello 30's.

Rambles

Nov 1, 2007 I posted my last post on my Brooklyn based blog. I've come almost full circle now and with that comes time of self-reflection and interpretation. I haven't been bloggy lately because its time for me to come up with a new direction. I'm no longer "single" and actively being shit on by men. Instead I have a wonderful man in my life that would take a bullet for me, if asked. So, I've decided that this blog will be more about what I'm doing to make myself a better person or something along those lines.

I count myself as lucky because currently I still have a job in a market that kind of sucks, and will continue to suck. Today, American Express announced job cuts, and I worked for an agency whose bread and butter was AMEX. I'm sure this news will impact that agency, and I feel that I fled NYC at the right time. I'm worried about current economic conditions and the future of my current company in some ways. I feel like the world's economic woes are on my shoulders right now. The headlines are more and more depressing each day. I don't have a house or kids, but I can't imagine how people are able to make it in these conditions.

I'm also worried about the elections. If Obama gets elected, will he be assassinated? This seems to be something that is on a lot of people's minds. I'm so angry that I live in a country that is so f'ing petty we've resorted to this. Not that Europe is any better, one doesn't have to look any further than the Paris riots of 2005 to see that racism is the underlying current in Europe and all over the world. I can't even believe people subscribe to this thinking. Personally, I believe its a matter of socioeconomic status, rather than race. But, in a capitalistic society, we have this false believe that everyone has the same opportunities. Bullshit. Its an idealistic philosophy. Those with access to the resources have access to opportunities. Those who are in the poorest slums in America can care less about aspiring to be a writer, because they have more important things to do like stay alive.

I know this is part and parcel of all societies. Not everyone can be at the top. Someone has to mow the grass. Just make sure that person isn't me. This is what it is to be an American. We live in a society that breeds selfishness with no respect for others in our society. That "distribute the wealth" comment made by Obama pissed off a lot of people, because no one feels they should share their hard earnings with someone who they don't feel deserves it. (His quote was taking out of context anyhow) While its true that some people will abuse the system, and they do, there are a lot of people who just don't have the same access and opportunities as the rest of us. I support socialized healthcare and systems because I think as a whole our society benefits. If nothing else, it makes us decent human beings. Is that too much to ask? To be a decent human being to another person? Aren't we in some way paying for it anyways via welfare and social security that none of us will ever get?

Personal Finance

About 4 months ago, I realized that my spending/saving ratio was amiss. Furthermore, I couldn't tell whether or not I was paying down my Amex cards because I dont pay attention. I headed over to Staples and got myself a ledger and wrote down all my bills and how much I pay each month. It was from that day, that I put into practice a few things to help me save and pay down my debt:

1. Automate my direct deposit to my savings account.
2. Write down all my bills, and how much I paid each month.
3. Use a payoff debt calculator at bankrate to figure out how much money I need to pay each month to my highest rate credit card.
4. Sign up to Mint.com to help monitor my personal spending.
5. Stopped using the credit cards.

#5 was not hard for me, because I barely used my credit cards, but when I did, it was in bulk amounts that kept building on y carried debt. Signing up for mint was also helpful, because I saw that I spent $700 in shopping per month. Since I've been committed to paying off debt and saving, my shopping habits have changed.

Now, I go to websites and scoff at paying more than $30 for a shirt. I went to the mall this week and bought an orange sweater for $43. It didn't sit right with me, and I went to Gap and saw an orange sweater for $22. I bought it and returned the other one. That's how cheap I've become. The old me would have insisted on the first sweater because it was more my style. But at the end of the day, orange is orange and a cardigan is a cardigan. Why pay more?

Paying off debt requires a lot of discipline. It means giving up some luxuries, but the end result is the big payoff. I will have one of my credit cards paid off in a couple months, which will put me that much closer to saving that money towards a house.

Family ties

While I was out drinking with one of my laid off work friends and company, Jason was invited over for a "beer" with his sister. Unaware of what was coming, she laid on all the bullshit to him.

1. She's uncomfortable with us having hid our relationship from her for so long.
2. She feels we aren't friends anymore and she's tried so hard!
3. She felt as if the last time she came over, I didn't want her there.

Then she began to cry.
I've been struggling with how to deal with situation now for like 6 months.
Here are the facts as I see them:

1. She's really boring.
2. Ever since she got married, she is void of a personality.
3. She's easily offended and that's really annoying.
4. She is very picky about who she wants to hang out with, so sometimes she'll invite Jason somewhere or just me, and it kind of bugs me. Its like we always have to have 1-1 time.

The reason I haven't confronted her, is because I know how she's going to react. She's going to act all overwhelmed and shit. And quite honestly, how can I tell someone that I think they are boring? I'm with this girls brother, so I kind of have to keep it chill.

I told him, tell her to come talk to me like a big girl. I'll wait to see if she ever does.

The epiphany

e·piph·a·ny
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Last night I put up my resume, and shed more tears. My eyes are bubbly from all the crying and I felt as if someone had died, that's how emotional I was. While I was sleeping, I woke up and I just knew I'm supposed to stay. I looked over my portfolio and was looking at some things I needed to fix and add. I'm also thinking I need buy some webspace again. But, I came to a realization that I am supposed to stay and work here. I will continue to put together my resume and portfolio, because it should always be ready.

Having this insight has brought me a new strength. Now that all the senior people on my team are gone, I am the only one left who can take a leadership role. My other co-worker is in India for a month, and he's worked there about 3 months longer than me, but he's not the leadership type. I realized that I have been taking on the complex projects that our senior person should have been working on but hasn't been for the last 6 months because she was out from illness and family issues. I realize that for the last few months, I've been trying to bring more awareness to our team, and that the seed planted for the presentation was completely my idea. I also realize that for the last 6 months, I have been the cheerleader for our team. Suddenly, I see the myriad of opportunity for me now that the dust has settled.

I also see that I will need to very quickly be ready to take on just about anything that comes my way in terms of projects. We are a small team now, but we work on a lot of projects. I'm going to need to be ready to take everything coming to me and the transitional elements needed to keep our team running. I think its going to be a long dark tunnel ahead, but there could be a silver lining in the end.
I feel like I'm starting to see the edges of it.

Left behind

The second round of bad news came today and more people were let go. Directors, leads, and more people I worked with. Approximately a third of my group was let go, and in my specific team, we went from 6 people to 3. I can't help feeling completely emotional over this. For the last month my team and I were working towards a large presentation to be presented to our larger group. We met once a week to make sure this all came together perfectly, and now it will never see the light of day. I had just started a "Finer things club" with a few of my co-workers, only to find that all of them were let go. I had just become close with a few people only to find that they too were let go. My aisle is gone, only leaving me and one other person. I also found out that I will be getting a new manager (again). Bringing me up to 3 different managers in one year, which matches the previous job. All of these changes are going to be difficult, because I don't see the silver lining yet. I see more work, less support, and a lot of empty desks. With the directors gone, I'm not sure how this will change our role in this company. I'm also really sad that I won't be working with the people I like the most. I'm really scared, and although I updated my resume on Monster, I suddenly feel less confident.

The aftermath continues

I awoke to my blaring alarm, with the same headache I went to bed with. Last night I found out that more of my colleagues were let go. I got on facebook and saw one of them with pictures of his family and I lost it. I cried for 10 minutes in Jason's arms. Its difficult to fathom how people with families and sick parents will be able to find another job in this economy. Silicon valley is slowing down, and is being impacted by the overall effects of the economy.

I have survivors guilt, or something similiar. The fact that so many people were let go for various reasons, and the fact that I'm still around makes me feel really guilty. I also feel guilty because some of these people I have been pissed at in the past, and wondered how they even have the job they do. Two of the people I bitched about 3 months ago actually lost their job yesterday. One of them surprised me, the other didn't. My lead was one of these people, and while in the past I haven't always seen eye to eye with him, he always supported me and had my back. He was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and though I had wished he had more balls, he was definitely getting better at his role. He has three kids, a house payment and a wife.

Last night I hung out with another girl whom I've had disagreements with in the past. She and I have had some tense moments, mostly because she was really condescending to me and is one of those people that is difficult to deal with. I had a feeling that if we had more layoffs she would be a victim. It turns out that she had difficulty getting along with others since she was relocated to San Jose. I feel bad for her, because she had only been here for 8 months.

I don't know how layoffs work, but I am told they have nothing to do with performance. I can't say that I agree with that because some of the people let go didn't surprise me. I also think salary was a contributing factor, they let go of someone that I really respect and was doing great things for our company, and I know they did that simply because of his salary.

I do know that everything that mattered to me yesterday doesn't matter to me today. I immediately cut off my cable from the $65 package to the $14 package, and will cut it off completely if I have to. I also cut out the "media package" from my cell phone. I'm wearing a shirt I bought last week with a big bow in front and right now I can't believe I spent $50 on it. I don't feel like wearing an f'ing bow when so many people are getting cut left and right. I feel like I'm going to a funeral. And I'm dreading going to work today. I don't know when my time will come, or if it will, but I was told a few months ago that I was underpaid, for the first time, I actually believe that is to my advantage.

Black Monday

I live in Silicon Valley, the land of tech giants and brilliant startups. In an economy such as ours, the inevitable time comes when these giants sometimes misstep and suddenly need to re-evaluate their size. Today many of my colleagues were laid off. It was unfortunate and I feel some of the people they let go were completely a mistake. And we all know how this goes, we look at the people and try to figure out if there was an ulterior motive, and in some cases you can see why those people were chosen, and in some cases, you have no idea. Some of these people were very bright intelligent individuals who worked long hours and gave their blood to see the best work was put out. These were people I respected, and in my opinion were helpful in moving our company forward. And while my job is secure for now, who knows about the next round of layoffs?

Generic America

After last night's debate, its clear that Sarah Palin didn't f--k it up. I think the world was waiting for her to make an ass out of herself, which she did not. I personally believe that Sarah Palin has been underestimated. I think she's a bright woman and can find the answers she needs when she needs them. The problem with her performance last night is that she didn't go deep. Her comments were very surfacey and she used a lot of colloquialisms and fillers and gosh darnits. She also came across slightly condescending at times, which I think people would perceive as her being more knowledgeable than she actually is. She also deflected some of the questions in order to continue talking about energy, which really irritated me. I think I pretty much checked out when she said that Biden's wife's "Reward was in heaven" comment. Seriously, that sounded like a dis, a religious dis at that.

In a way, Palin's strategy was brilliant and very effective. Its all about presentation. If you package yourself as someone who is charming and can talk to generic america as if you were having biscuits and gravy over at Katie's place, then you've accomplished half of what you need. The other half--the knowledge of politics is less important. Its the same strategy used by people in job interviews. Present yourself a certain way, and you will get hired. Personality counts. Obama doesn't connect as much with generic america, because he's viewed as an elitist and the cross-section of america did not go to Harvard law school, they want a president who will understand them and issues that are important to them, and Obama can't really forge that connection. I think had he selected Hillary as his running mate, he would have possibly gotten their buy in. Hillary gets generic america. But, we probably would have had an ineffective presidency.

My analysis: Sarah Palin is good enough for generic America. I think all those stupid hicks would totally buy into her winks and smiles and her condescending mannerisms. This bitch doesn't know shit about real politics and anyone with any critical thinking skills can easily see that her mannerisms and vague responses were without real depth. But you can bet your ass gosh darnit, that generic america will vote for her. (wink wink)

Lewd and lascivious acts

Because I am a curious person who likes to always be aware of her surroundings, I occasionally run checks on my local neighborhood. I look up crime statistics on crimereports, and lately I've been searching for sexual offenders at family watchdog, the national sexual offenders registry. Wow. I found approximately 58 offenders within about 2 miles, and 54 non-mapable ones. I guess these are the ones who fell off the grid. I was looking for general rapists, but found what appears to be a whole complex of child molesters one block over. Including someone with a mysterious charge: "Caretaker,lewd or lascivious act with dependent adult" gross and creepy. Though I only saw one rapist of adults one block over, he looked pretty old. So maybe if we met on the street I can run away.

Creativity block

I work in the "creative" profession, sort of. I am on the dryer side of things, especially with my current company. After all my complaints of getting shitty projects, I have now been given the opportunity to make something better. Though I know it will never ever get built, that isn't really the point is it? Or at least I'm not supposed to care if it gets built, just as long as I thought up something cool. So now I have a creative block. I feel as if I haven't designed in such a long time, I don't even know where to start, or what to design. Its akin to having stage fright really. The pressure to perform, which is really only in mind. I think.

Making mistakes

When I began my career, I had irrational fear of making mistakes. I worried that every time I made a mistake, people would realize that I was not smart or didn't know as much as I should or whatever. At this point in my career, I've been more comfortable with accepting the fact that mistakes happen-in all aspects of my life. I've learned to chalk up those mishaps into learning experiences. I'm also still learning how to suppress my extreme emotions to certain situations. I sort of raised my voice at my project team today when they were not "pointing fingers" but they kind of were. I'm disappointed in myself for raising my voice, but I take this as a learning experience and an action item that I have to avoid next time. I think become more comfortable with the fact that mistakes happen and help you grow in your personal life and in your career. I need to learn to react differently next time, and I'm sure this challenge will present itself again. Especially in my job.

When does life start?

After watching St. Elmo's Fire, a crappy 80's movie in which post grads are forced to grow up and accept life, it made me think of a few things. My dad is asking me when I'm going to buy a house. Quite honestly, I have no idea. When am I supposed to be ready to do these things? I'm no where near saving 10% of any house even if the market is trash. I'm turning 30 this year, and I really don't have any plans or desire to get married or have kids right now. I'm more focused on whether or not I'm going to buy these shoes.

I'm not totally irresponsible, I'm still working on paying off debt I accrued from being super underpaid living in NYC, and the costs incurred when I moved. I'm saving, and paying off debt, but is there a time I'm supposed to feel ready? How do you know when you are?

Keep it to yourself (update)

So, it turns out that I am one of those people that has to get things off my chest, except I prefer to do it semi-anonymously via blogging. It feels so much more gossipy this way. It's like I'm talking shit about someone to their face, except if they don't read my blog they have no idea. Gossip 2.0. I will resume blogging, be prepared for more.

A perception problem

I've come to realize I have a perception problem. I take some things very personally, but its difficult to offend me. Let me explain. I tend to view my workplace as a war zone. I feel that people do not like me, mostly because I feel that people generally do not like me. I grew up a loner and didn't make a lot of friends in school. I have also known people who pretended to like me and didn't like me at all. So I assume people at work don't like me. I also have a tendency to feel that because I get shitty projects, maybe my managers don't think much of me. I'm paranoid that people are talking about me professionally, saying I'm not good at what I do. I don't know how to let this go. I'm pretty sure its paranoia rooted from some professional lack of confidence.

I feel like I'm on this never ending quest to gain respect from the people I work with and I feel like I haven't been given the opportunity. On the same token, I'm worried that if I get the opportunity I will fail. I tell myself that I am good at what I do, and I do believe that deep down. So why is it so hard for me to believe it completely?

Keep it to yourself

So there are a lot of people in the world who subscribe to the "Let it out" and "Tell people how you feel" philosophy. Total bullshit. In most cases all that leads to is hurt feelings and brooding over the conversation. I believe firmly in a non-confrontational approach. Which means that if I have a problem with you, I won't directly tell you, I just won't talk to you for like 6 months. And then I tell you I'm busy when you ask.

I bring this up, because we finally told his sister we are dating. Her reaction wasn't what we expected. She said she knew, that she felt it was weird, but she seemed okay with it. We are suspecting that she isn't okay with it. And I hope she doesn't bring it up with me, because I will unleash the fury. If she's smart she won't say anything to me and learn to deal with it privately. However, she's one of those people that feels she has to say what's on her mind, so I'm doubting it. I hate those people.

The fact is that I don't like her anymore. We don't have much in common, except for maybe some Netflix movies and Frida Kahlo. She confronted me earlier this year saying that all I talk about is money, which I've never recovered from. I wish she hadn't told me that, because now I just think she's stupid. She was pushing off her own non-white collar guilt on me, and that kind of shit I don't like. Additionally, she has that kind of armchair elitism that she thinks makes her a better person. You know the type, the one who makes sure everyone is politically correct or she gets offended, but would never live in a neighborhood that isn't White suburbia. The type that makes sure she corrects someone from saying "Black" to say "African American", yet tells me I'm brave for living downtown, which is where the homeless and the real color is. (All colors, not just one type)

Aside from that, I've invited her over three times and made dinner for both her and her husband. We are talking homemade sangria, enchiladas, guacamole and flan. (homemade). And not once has she invited me over, instead she invites her brother over for dinner. Isn't that some bullshit? I'm so over it. The tough part is that now I'm dating her brother, so its like I have to keep the peace. He agrees with me mostly, he thinks its shitty she hasn't invited me over, and in general doesn't like her high and mighty behavior, but that's his sister. So here I am. Stuck in between.

Ugh.

Why the Olympics are good for the USA

According the most recent article in the Economist, our presidential approval ratings are at a historic low, our nation's unemployment rate is rising at 5.5%, energy costs are through the roof and the housing crisis has resulted in bank foreclosures and bankruptcies. Somehow, we became France's chew toy with that arrogant statement made by French swimmer, Alain Bernard, "The Americans? We will smash them. That's what we came here for."

Let the games begin.

And after all of that, the USA swim team broke the world record for the 4x100 relay. Watching the US excel in almost every event from gymnastics to volleyball has inspired a ferocious pride for a nation with a very low morale. I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I saw George W. Bush being interviewed by Bob Costas, I was almost proud to see him there supporting our nation in these games.

I've never considered myself a very patriotic person, but since our nation is in such an economic slump, and we are pretty much hated by the world for our policies, its nice to be good at something. If even if it is to stroke our ego for the next two weeks.

This weekend

This weekend is promising to be a fun-filled drunken bash of celebrating one of my BFF's 30th. Our itinerary is to show SF how its done. Fag hag style. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to Costa Rica in month. Things are really good for me right now. I really like my job, I like this area, I still don't really have any friends yet, but everything else is great. I've also decided that I really like my friend's brother. He is as sweet as a cookie, and I enjoy when he comes home and I put my legs on him and we talk about our day. Its what I look forward to every day. I am anticipating a horrible break up however, because thats how these things always are for me.

Hello Again!

Inspired by the fact that my favorite blogger is blogging again, I decided I too would blog again. And quite frankly my dear readers, I've been silent because I've been wrestling with some of my own thinking. It turns out I'm still "with" my friend's brother. My friend doesn't know and I think she's given up asking about us. Here's the rub. He is the sweetest guy ever to me. He makes me breakfast, he does everything I always wanted a man to do for me. He absolutely adores me. He cares about me and thinks I'm wonderful and sexy and wants to spend all his time with me. He makes me laugh and he's that perfect mix of asshole and sweetness that I like. Awesome right? Well, he's blue collar. He's not a fan of where he is in life, since he just got of the Navy, and does want to go to school and start his own business someday. So, its not like he's happily blue collar. I just can't help thinking that I really wanted someone who was white collar. But the fact that he treats me real nice counts for a lot in my book too. A really close friend of mine who visited me recently saw us together and said it was the happiest he ever saw me. I think I've resigned myself to take the "wait and see" approach. I mean I don't want to be an elitist like Obama, but I'm not going to lie and say that it bothers me that he didn't go to college. I don't know if its about income, I think its an education thing for me. So that's the update.

P.S. Still have hope in you Hillary, I got you girl!

Matters of Money

Saturday night, my friend, her brother and I caught the Caltrain and went to San Francisco. On the train ride there, I made some off-hand joke about her brother being blue collar. Two days later, I get a call from her saying she has to "get some things off her chest". So, I meet her at the bar and she proceeds to tell me that I've changed and all I do is talk about money. The whole thing was pretty weird for me actually. I've been accused of a lot of things (most of them true) but I've never been accused of being superficial or money obsessed. I pride myself on the fact that I drive a shitty Honda in the valley of BMW's and Lexuses. I'm stoked that I spend $500 less a month on rent than anyone I know and live without a washer and dryer. I do admit to bringing up my fashion game. I definitely spend a lot more on clothes but who cares? I had to remind her of my own meager beginnings as the daughter of a retired Marine and a Bank teller. I had to remind her that most of my friends don't make any money and that I've never judged them as a result. After all of this, she says to me, "You make way more money than I do." To which I responded, "That's your issue, not mine."

After all was said and done, I told her I wouldn't bring up money or class around her again. It won't be hard for me, since I rarely bring it up. I think its mostly her own issues rather than mine. But part of me really doesn't think its fair that I can't talk about what I want to talk about it. It's not my fault she's super sensitive. Whatever.

Costa Rica

I booked my trip to Costa Rica today. My friend and I decided to celebrate her graduation from college by going on a trip. Europe seemed so cliche and I figured I'd round up my Latin America tour by visiting another Latin American country. Our trip includes visiting Arenal, Guanacaste, and Tabacon. I am going for 11 days in mid June. So stoked!

The Value of Failure

I've always been afraid to fail. In fact, I largely attribute my successes as a result of being afraid of failing, rather than enjoying success itself. Recently, there was a design at work that failed miserably during testing. Even though it failed, the design was still approved and is going live very soon. I had the opportunity to re-design it for a couple of projects I was working on. My manager said that we would tag the designs and see which one does better. The old fear of failure starting come back in waves. I fought really hard to redesign this product, and now it was time to see if I was right. One of my managers once told me, "If you wanted to know the right answer, you should go into Math."

Success is kind of a double edged sword. If you don't put yourself out there and take the risk, you'll never know if there is a big payoff. On the other side of that, if you put yourself out there, than you risk being publicly wrong and possibly endure a failure. At the end of the day, I decided that I've had many monumental failures in my life. And from those, I learned priceless lessons. I consider my time in New York City a failure. I failed at almost everything while I was there, and battled depression to boot. Yet, from that failure I learned from the mistakes I made in my career, in my friendships, and learned a lot about who am I am, and more importantly, who I am not.

I am positive that I will endure more failures in my life. I've never been the type to fly under the radar. And that's okay. I know the successes will be much sweeter.

Women in the Workplace

So I found out today that I'm getting "under compensated". The first thing that came to my mind was, "Again?". Fortunately for me, this issue is in the process of getting resolved and it has been conjectured that it was more of a budget issue at the time I got hired then it was being undervalued as an asset. Regardless of the issue, I felt a little shitty as a result. When I called to get my mom's opinion, she simply stated that I was slightly at fault because I have continually underestimated myself. At this point in my career, I agree with her.

This whole issue got me thinking about women in the workplace. On the way home, I was listening to NPR and it just so happened that I caught a program with Arianna Huffington interviewing Cathie Black, Head of Hearst publications. A lot of the issues they talked about were so applicable. Cathie Black spoke about women sitting in the "dead zone" in meetings, and about women needing to speak confidently. She also pointed out how women tend to personalize everything that happens in the workplace. I was so enthralled by the whole conversation that I went online and bought her book Basic Black: The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life). Can't wait.

Moving i

Ever since my house guest moved in, I've been slowly moving in to my apartment. I finally bought a television, a microwave and real plates. I am now adding a sofa to my collection. Its getting delivered in four weeks. Its an American Upholstery sofa sleeper. Its supposed to be the best sofa sleeper on the market. Aside from getting furniture, I've been working a lot, staying late almost every night and doing more work from home. Not much to report really.

The friend's brother

Don't ask me what I'm doing. I have no idea. The friend's brother seems to have fallen in love with me. Or something close. He's super affectionate with me which completely took me off guard. This is someone who is a total bad ass and has established his reputation by being an asshole and the black sheep of his family. It turns out he's actually a softie. True to form, the minute he began to show vulnerability I emotionally turned off. I'm so f'd up. I just can't do it. I don't know how to care about people who seem to like me. I can only care about people who don't. It's so frustrating and so unhealthy. It scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel like I will never have a healthy relationship. I find myself being comfortable in the most unhappiest of situations. I'm scared because I don't want to hurt him and I'm so afraid I will. Its like a switch literally turns off for me. When will I be normal. Will I ever be normal?

Things you shouldn't do with your friend's brother

My roommate and I are getting along famously. In fact we spend almost 100% of our time together. The only time we don't is when we are both at work. We went to Monterey this weekend and we hung out in Cannery Row and went to Mass on Easter Sunday. It's like we are dating, but we aren't. Sunday night we came back from Monterey and we stopped at the store and got two bottles of red wine. We cooked ravioli and watched The Office as we drank wine. Before you know it, he's giving me a foot massage. Yeah, a foot massage is never just a foot massage, anyone who has seen Pulp Fiction knows that. After hours of this, we ended up making out. And then we had sex. It was drunken, half-hard sex. But sex nonetheless.

The next morning I told him, "I think last night was a mistake". To which he responded, "Okay". I thought it was going to be awkward the next day, but it totally isn't. He made me dinner, and we watched South Park while eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. In my heart of hearts, I really do like him. I'd like to think that was just a one-time thing, but I find myself wanting to kiss him sometimes. But on the other hand, I really enjoy our friendship. We laugh, we have fun, we talk about everything and we hang out all the time. I don't want to ruin that. I also don't want to hurt him. I'm pretty sure he'd want to date me if I gave him a chance. I guess we'll see what happens.

The awkwardness.

So it turns out that hooking up with the co-worker was probably a bad idea. I didn't foresee that the awkwardness would ensue from what we didn't do. I had only seen the scenario of me getting what I wanted. So now as a result, my workplace feels a bit like a war zone. There are certain hot spots, like the printer, the kitchen, the cafeteria and of course the bathrooms that are hotbeds for awkwardness. We've been sort of avoiding eye contact ever since the IM incident. I'm hoping that after another week, it will be back to normal, because I won't care anymore. But until then...still awkward.

The Re-org

Our company recently went through a re-org that caused a few layoffs and some other changes. This morning quite a few changes were introduced that directly impacts me. Nothing life changing, except that they made some slight tweaks to my job description. More of an expansion really. They also changed my reporting manager, because the old one has a brand new role. The news isn't bad or anything, but it was just one of those things that puts you in shock for the rest of the day. Our country is in a recession, so its natural that some changes would occur, and I guess I'm lucky I still have a job. I think at this point I should definitely expand my skill set to ensure I will keep it.

Goings on

Today my manager took me and a co-worker aside. I half jokingly said, "Are we in trouble?" We weren't but he told us that a few people had been laid off. We lost a member of our team in fact. I was slightly shocked. This girl had been working there for years. They just hired two new people so I figured those would be the first to go. Our manager assured us that the layoffs were complete, so there shouldn't be any more surprises.

Aside from that, living with my house guest has been a lot of fun. We cook together, do laundry together and we went to Santa Cruz yesterday to walk around the boardwalk. He's a lot of fun and all we do is laugh and talk shit. I have a feeling that he likes me more than just a friend, but I have to admit, its so cool to have a friend. He feels like the first new friend I've had in a long time.

My Guest

For the last week, my friend's brother has been crashing in my living room on a queen size air mattress. Ever since he's been here, I've been up to almost 1:30 am every morning talking to him. I bought a tv and we've been laying out in front of the tv talking about everything. He's like a male version of me. He's so completely opposite from his sister that its hard to believe they are related. I think of his sister as the good angel on my shoulder. She's the type of girl who never does the stupid things I do. She found love fairly early, lost her virginity to him and married him. She doesn't judge anyone and sort of has a "live and let live" philosophy. Her brother on the other hand is like the little devil on the other shoulder. I already ride that line of behaving badly and I can tell this guy would push me over that edge. I can see myself being friends with him if he moves up here. I don't really want a roommate, but I have to admit its been nice having someone else around. It's also nice to have another straight guy friend in my life that's not trying to fuck me.

No regrets.

I had a meeting with my boss today. I've been at my current job for 5 months. A few weeks after I had joined, it was time to set goals and get reviewed. Since I hadn't been there very long, I hadn't expected to get a real review. But I did. My boss gave me a full review based on my performance so far. And let me tell you, it was the best review I have ever had. On top of that, I got a raise and 122 more shares of stock. I was really surprised. In fact, our conversation was very much in the direction of "performing at the next level" which means that my boss might be feeling that I am in the direction of a promotion. Its nice to feel appreciated. My boss told me that he had hoped that he felt that me moving my life across the coast was worth it, and that I had no regrets about my decision. On the contrary, it was the best decision for my career and my sanity. I don't regret a thing.

The truth

So my ego is a bit bruised because I put my pussy right on the co-worker's platter and he basically said, "maybe later". I have to be honest here. I've always been a weak girl when it came to men. I've never really had the nerve to say no or to tell some guy to fuck off. Not since past the age of 17. I've been locked into unhappy situations for months and years because I didn't have the balls to just get up and leave, rather I droned on in a meaningless relationship, even pretending that I was in love and in one case, was even ring shopping for our future "engagement". The whole time I didn't even love the guy. I just didn't know how to leave.

I had hoped that I had learned something. I had hoped that I would have the strength to leave a situation I wasn't happy in. And even after the co-worker sort of dissed me, I don't know if I'm going to have the balls to walk away, and thats the honest truth. I'm ashamed to even admit this. I want so badly to be that bitchy girl that steps all over men and doesn't give a fuck. And lord knows I've had my fair share of being treated like crap, and yet in my heart of hearts I still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I hate it. I hate that I can't just pick myself up and walk away. I hate that I'm even sitting here writing about it. Its a no-brainer, and yet I continue to settle for the crappiest situations. I never even wanted a fuck buddy. And yet here I am 5 months later in the middle of situation I didn't even want to be in at all. I just wanted to be this guy's friend. That was it.

I don't know why these things are so hard for me. But, I think I probably should continue to see a therapist, turns out I'm still making bad decisions when it comes to men, and I don't want to do that anymore.

Over it.

As a single girl I have needs. These needs have to be met in some way, and preferrably not with some random stranger. Up until today, I was hoping the co-worker would be the guy to help me with these needs. Unfortunately, I'm scheduled into his time and not mine. We hookup once a month, every three weeks. Today, I thought I would try to lessen that time to 2 weeks. I IM'd him with this message: "I want to fuck. When will this happen." He responded: "I'm on a call. Hang on." After 15 minutes, he said, "Hey, I've been busy, but soon." To which I responded, "What do you mean soon?" and to which he signed off of IM.

So I'm left slightly confused and completely frustrated. From the beginning I thought this fucker wanted to have sex, turns out he doesnt(?). Or he does, but on his time and on his terms. The worst part about this is that the whole reason I pursued the "fuck buddy" thing was to avoid the drama of another person. Don't get it wrong, this isn't about me having feelings, this about me wanting to be physical with another person when I want it. Not just on his time. I had hoped that this was just a hookup and go sort of situation, and now I'm left wondering if maybe I'm not sexy enough, or why doesn't he want it, is it because he's seeing someone? Its total bullshit. Needless to say, when he signed off of IM in the middle of our convo, its the equivalent of hanging up on me. So, at this point I think I just need to find a different fuck buddy. Though, I'm not real sure how to go about that..

Mexico City: Post Mortem

In case you were wondering, Mexico City was awesome. I'm seriously thinking of going back in a couple of months to see the pyramids. I feel like my life isn't complete until I've seen them, climbed them and perhaps I've sacrificed a virgin there.

Aside from sightseeing, when you travel with your business associates, naturally your conversations deviate from business. One of the men I was traveling with was a man in his 40's or 50's. Our UK partner was around my age, young and vibrant and happy to be single. We talked about how great it was to not worry about having a guy in our life. Then, the business associate said to us, "My advice to you is not to wait. Find a rich, geeky man and let him buy you everything." We were floored. This advice was coming from a man. He told me that the ground was fertile in Silicon Valley and that I have great odds of finding a young, rich, geek. In fact, he told me where to go, "An ice cream shop in Mountain View, that's where the Google employees hang out."

Needless to say, he got us single girls thinking. We started to feel like maybe we should start looking before it gets too late. After all, I have dated the men with drama, kids, an ex-wife and a broken heart. By the time I'm knee-deep in my 30's I'll have my pick of men who have lost hope in love and are looking for a companion when I'm still looking for love. The problem for me is that his strategy is a little gold diggerish. I've never been that way. The other problem is that I can definitely see myself marrying the man with the great job, who makes great money and treats me good, but yet, I know I won't be satiated, and I'll end up cheating with someone like the co-worker who ignites that sexuality I'm missing in my marriage.

His strategy is worth a thought however. I'm sure boobies go along way out here.

Mexico City

When I found out I was going to get the opportunity to visit DF, I thought I would like it, I didn't expect to love it. Yesterday, our work ended early and we had the opportunity to go to Zócalo for lunch. We walked around and I was overwhelmed by the beautiful architecture of the area. We then entered the Palacio Nacional, home to some of Diego Rivera's murals. Looking at the murals brought out an emotional reaction I hadn't expected. "Epic of the Mexican People in their Struggle for Freedom and Independence" was nothing short of amazing. I hadn't expected to like Diego Rivera as much as I like Frida, but after seeing these beautiful murals it was difficult to compare. Afterwards we had lunch at a small cafe tucked in between music shops and clothing stores. I had enchiladas rojas and they were great. But, I don't feel like the food was more "Mexican" than anything I have had before. Maybe I need to visit the interiors of Mexico, but I found the food to be very good, and very much on par with all other types of Mexican food I've ever eaten.

Today, we ventured out to the Bazaar del Sabado, an area in San Angel which is filled with artisans and unique gifts. It was very cool. I bought myself a beaded Mexican shirt that feels like it weighs like 3 pounds. It's not the typical embroidered shirt which is why I like it. I also bought myself a gold ring with a square blue lapiz in the middle. We spent like 3 hours looking at stuff. We then ate Marlin tacos at the restaurant there, and ventured off to Frida Kahlo's house.

Frida had a beautiful house, and I was touched by the personal photographs and poems that were presented. I have no doubts that her and Diego were in love with other each other from seeing their personal correspondence and photographs. I had hoped to see some of her art, but I guess I'll have to wait for her exhibition at SF MOMA in June.

Afterwards, we ventured into some ghetto part of Mexico that was home to Museo de Diego Rivera Anahuacalli. It wasn't quite what I expected, but it was cool. It is the home of Diego Rivera's personal collection of art. He never accepted fees for his work but asked for artifacts instead. As a result, he had tons of Pre-Hispanic artifacts representing the Olmecs, Mayans, Aztecs, and other indigenous people of Mexico. The museum itself is housed in a replica of one of the pyramids in Teotihuacan.

I came back to my hotel and had some sushi and red wine at the roof top bar. Alone. It was awesome.

Mexico City: So far so good

Sorry babies. I didn't mean to leave you hanging. I know you all are dying to hear about Mexico City. After my ridiculous experience at LAX, I emailed those fuckers at United and complained. They had the audacity to mail me a $175 travel voucher. Fuck you United. $175 is not even enough to cover a pair of shoes for me, let alone good enough to compensate that nightmare I had to endure. Total bullshit. What pisses me off the most is that I kinda have no choice. The "star alliance" or whatever they call that mafia of airlines pretty much ensure that I have no other options for International flights. So no matter what I'll have to fly on one of their shitty airlines.

I've been en la ciudad de Mexico for about 4 days now, and I've yet to really have a chance to see it. I've been working 10 hour days in a little tiny room. I've even had to call into meetings and answer emails and put out fires on my other projects in the US. So, at this point I can't say I've exactly "seen" Mexico City.

I can say that I really like what I have seen however. The people are fantastico, the area I'm in is very upscale, safe, and very pretty. Lots of trees, cobblestone streets, and very classy restaurants. I would consider living here in fact. I am not a fluent Spanish speaker, but I've been able to get by pretty well. I have been close to fluent at a couple of different times in my life, so I was hoping my Spanish would come back, and it did a little bit. I think more time in a Latin American country will help. This trip also made me decide that I want to be the expert in the Latin American market, and when I get back, I'm going to request to work on all Latin American projects.

Anyhow, I will have some time on Saturday and Sunday, so I'm going to go to la casa de Frida, Bazaar del Sabado and the Museum of Anthropology. Sunday I'm going to take a cheesy bus tour and attempt to catch all the churches and other large monuments. I won't have time for the pyramids on this trip...next time.

I'll keep you posted on my trip as soon as the work portion of it is over.

Mexico City: Free word association

Posh

Colorful

Interesting

Cobblestone

Classy

Gorgeous men

Staring

looks like Cali.

Blogging from LAX: Why I hate United

Last night I went out with my friend, her husband, and her brother who may be moving up here. I offered my humble abode for his use, since life in a tiny study apartment is kind of tight, and I'll be out for the week he is in town. We all went to a bar last night and its safe to say we all got wasted...except for the brother. We were out until 2 am, and I had to wake up at 7am to catch my flight to Mexico City. I was still hung over this morning and feeling totally nauseous. Last night after I got home, my friend's brother and I were text-flirting. It was kinda weird because even though I've known her for years, I really don't know him very well though he's been around a few times. I think it was harmless, but it got me thinking about how weird it would be to mess around with her brother. He's not my type in general, but would be appropriate for a hookup. But, it seems like getting involved with a really good friend's brother in any capacity is a bad idea. Especially with this friend. She's Charlotte. And I'm reminded of that episode of SATC when Samantha fucks Charlotte's brother and how that turned out. Same case here I bet.

Anyways, I find out that my flight from SJ to LAX was cancelled, and had to be shuttled to SF to take a flight to LAX. The flight was delayed and when we got to LAX our Mexico City flight had already left. The next available flight was at midnight. So, I've been hanging out in LAX for 10 hours. Not mention that I haven't gotten much sleep and I'll be arriving into Mexico City around 5 am, and need to be somewhere by 10 am. And, they are 2 hours ahead of us. So tomorrow's totally gonna suck. I frickin' hate United and all their damn partner airlines. Every time I fly them I get delayed and miss my connecting flight.

The perfect hookup

The co-worker and I hooked up again last night. And before you ask--no we didn't. And I really thought we would. After last night I realized that he really isn't in a hurry to seal the deal. I think he's viewing this as a road trip where we stop at all the sights before we get to our destination. He's very different than most guys I've hooked up with and quite frankly he's the perfect hookup. There's absolutely no awkwardness when we see each other outside of my bedroom, which was a big roadblock for me. He's sexy, smart, funny, and honest.

Maybe too honest in fact. Last night I had his cock in my mouth for 3 seconds and he tells me, "Yeah, I can't do that to you...sorry I only do that with girlfriends." The timing was absolutely wrong but I respect his honesty and his boundaries. He also told me "I didn't have to". Needless to say, the whole conversation spoiled the moment. And of course we talked about it, because surprisingly we talk about everything. Anyhow, suffice to say we moved forward and did some stuff--I don't want to go into details, but it sure was a lot of fun.

Epilogue: El Paso excursion

I'm back in Cali. I realized on this trip to El Paso, that I will probably live in Cali for the rest of my life. I just love it here, specifically the bay area. Anyhow, yesterday I saw my uncles and aunts that I haven't seen in 10 years. I also met two second cousins who were ages 5 and 9. They were adorable little girls that I could have easily taken with me back to Cali. I met another cousin who was also a very sweet girl and a freshman in high school. My dad told me the little girls wanted my email address which I thought was so cute, and such a sign of the times. I didn't even know 5 and 9 year olds had email addresses.

All in all it was a pretty decent trip. I had to listen to my dad's right-wing speeches and Hillary bashing, but other than that I was glad I went. My father's family has always treated me with respect and truly made me feel like family. They aren't doctors, engineers, or PhD's like my mom's side, but these are good hard working people who understand the value of family. My mom's side are complete jerks who have never accepted me as part of their family--for what reason I have no idea. I've suspected its because I have olive skin and black hair rather than fair skin and light brown hair. For once in my life, I was proud to carry my dad's last name even though I share it with 1 in 4 Mexicans.

This trip also made me come to some conclusions. My parents have never pressured me into having kids, though I think they are still holding out hope for me to reproduce at some point. After seeing my little cousins, I think I felt one of my ovaries stir. I've made peace with the fact that I might never have kids because I might never meet the right guy, but I'm definitely open to having them. I think part of me would love to be a mother, because lately I enjoy being around kids. I've always pictured myself more as a step mom though, because I like the idea of playing the mom one or two weekends a month and taking them to cool places and buying them stuff, and shipping those babies off with their real mom for all the day to day drama. I guess we'll see what life has in store for me.

1100 miles to El Paso

I've been spending my President's day in El Paso, TX. This is one of those little things I don't like talking about, but I guess its time to come clean. My whole family are born and bred El Pasoans. I am a Cali girl but, my dad, aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins all live in Texas. My dad wanted me to come up to hang out with him and since I've ran out of every excuse, I finally had to give in.

I've been living the El Paso experience. I've eaten at Chico's Tacos, some nasty cheap little taco shop which is only in El Paso, and I've eaten only Mexican food since I've been here. Its been great for my Spanish however. Everyone in EP speaks Spanish, even the non-Latins. If you go to a restaurant, the waiter will speak in Spanish, and if you ask for something in English, you are likely to get a confused look. Since I'm going to Mexico City in a few weeks, its been a good test run. I've been fluent in Spanish approximately twice in my life--when I was 5, and when I was 12ish, and some of it is coming back to me in this short trip.

I've been staying with my dad and his #3 wife. I have to admit, she's a good match for him. They look genuinely affectionate with each other. It made me wonder if they were meant to be for each other this whole time. Instead they have 3 broken marriages between them and 5 kids. Perhaps its because they are in their late 40's but they seem to be quite comfortable and my dad is much calmer with her than I've ever seen him with my mom. She's a very nice person, very easy going and very open. She seems like someone my dad would bully, but in fact he seems to respect her. If my dad can be tamed, then maybe there's hope for me after all.

Work, Mexico City, and Broken Hearts

I've been so busy, I haven't had time to think. I'm not used to working this hard, my brain is starting to hurt. I booked my company paid flight and hotel for Mexico City today. I'll be staying in the Habita, a boutique hotel in Polanco, which is where I'll be for the testing. I extended my stay for two more days so I can get a chance to see the city before I come back. I'm planning a few things, but I'm slightly nervous about the taxi situation, I don't want to be kidnapped. Or do I?

Anyhow, today is Valentine's day, and for some odd reason I didn't get that nagging annoyance I usually get every year on this day. In fact, I barely noticed it was any occasion at all, if it wasn't for the annoying forward texts, it would have slipped my mind completely. I had planned on making broken hearted sugar cookies, but I was up late working last night, and didn't have a chance to bake.

I finally came to a conclusion in regards to the co-worker. I went to lunch with him yesterday. I'm completely attracted to him, we laugh and stuff. But, there's just nothing there. I like being around him, but it just feels like there's no way we can relate on any other level. I don't know if this is because the boundaries were set up this way, but it is what it is. He's clearly still torn up over the ex-girlfriend, and that comes up often. But, when we talk its like we're friends. So I decided I'm definitely going to fuck him. I was holding back because I was worried about what he would think of me and then I decided, "Who cares what he thinks of me". There's nothing really there anyway except a whole lot of attraction. I'll keep you posted.

Hanging with married men

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to get drunk with two co-workers. I obliged o because they are very cool people. Both married men of course. During the course of the evening, one of them went home, and I was hanging out with the other one. We had multiple beers and then went to dinner and then went to a different bar and drank more. We talked about work stuff and other stuff too. That was that.

Today I get an IM from the one I was hanging out with, and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I felt like there was some flirting going on. Very very subtle, but still just a hint of a flirtation. I might totally be reading into this, because I've never hung out with a married man alone and part of me thinks that's a little dangerous, but I'm pretty convinced he's fairly happily married. His IM pic has a picture of his wife and kids. And while I'm aware that married people fool themselves into thinking they are happy, he's Indian, so I'm forced to think that culturally he's not American and probably would stay faithful to his wife.

And yet, part of me is a tiny bit concerned. Both of the men stated that they hang out with girls freely, and that their wives do as well. So either these two are swingers or they are just very mature about allowing opposite sex friendships. I don't know, what do you think? Is this weird? Or is this just marriage 2.0?

Life's too short.

My little list of self-improvement.

When I moved back to Cali, I saw an opportunity to make a go of my life. I don't have the oppressiveness hanging over my head anymore. I have freedom and money and time. Three things I never felt I had before. Its up to me how I want to live my life. I'm steering this ship.

I will no longer be my own worst enemy. Having a great therapist in New York (Ann Rosenberg if you are in the NYC area) helped me uncover some truths about myself. I've decided I'm not going to worry about my attractiveness anymore. No more thoughts of "What if I'm not pretty enough (for him)" or "I'm not thin enough (for him)". No more. I think I'm pretty enough and I'm not going to drive myself crazy worrying anymore. So far this strategy has worked for me. I think dating men on Match has been helpful in ironing that out. You meet men who think you're beautiful and you meet men who are clearly disappointed when they see you. Fuck em'. And that's that. In terms of the weight issue--I'm losing weight because I want to, not because someone suggested it. I'm a sexy girl and I'm not going to think any less of myself anymore. Yeah, my butt leaves something to be desired, but if you don't like it too bad. See that's how it works.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel like I'm not good enough. Unfortunately for me, I've dated a lot of men who sort of validated all my insecurities. They fed on my insecurities and as a result it made me feel unstable and uncomfortable. No more of that. This also extends into friendships. I will not be around people who bring out a negative side of me. I met someone recently that I feel brings out a competitive side of me, and I've decided that I don't like being around her. So, I keep away from her. Life is too short to get caught up in other people's drama. If you don't feel good about yourself, thats not my problem.

Professionally, I'm going to remain self-confident. I lacked self-confidence in a major way at my previous job. I always felt like I got that job by accident and that some day someone would pull the blanket off and see that I was in the wrong place and that everyone wouldn't think I'm good enough because I was educated at state schools my whole life. No more. I feel I've earned my right in this industry. I deserve to be here and I deserve to work for a great company.

I will not be made to feel incomplete because I'm single. Yeah, this one is a struggle. I'm totally fine with being single right now, I don't know how I'm going to get my physical demands met but so far, so good. It's easy to get caught up in all the married people's bullshit. Look sweetie, go live your life in suburbia and go have brunch with your in-laws on the weekend, I'm just fine going to a bar on a Tuesday night and getting so wasted I'm showing my titties to my friends. (That happened last Tuesday, and to be fair it was Fat Tuesday, so titties were in order). It's okay to be single and I'm going to enjoy it.

Orange dreams

For the past 3 years I've lived like a nomad. Or a homeless person one might even say. During my time in Buffalo I slept on a coleman airmattress (twin) size. In Brooklyn, I lived on a queen size mattress, but had no real style or "things" in my room. I lived like a minimalist because I never quite felt at home in these places. Historically, I've never been big into decorating, simply because I was afraid that if I were to put all my favorite things in one room it would look like the showroom of the Salvation Army. Add the fact that I'm super indecisive and can't make up my mind on a color scheme, and now we have a disaster waiting to happen.

I finally did decide on a color scheme: Orange. It's bold, it courageous, its happy, and its the new color of my bedroom. I'm still revamping but I just bought this Saffron desk from West Elm. I also bought this cute piece of Pop Art from Andrea Heimer. I'm on the hunt for these orange pillowshams from West Elm. And last but not least, I've been eyeing some Pucci shoes for awhile now. So its fitting I get these orangey ones.

Blog or die

So, I am trying to make sure I blog when I'm a happy girl because ultimately this blog is serving as an electronic record of my life. And good things happen to me too, though you wouldn't have guessed that by reading my Brooklyn blog. First off, there is less of me in this world. I've been chiseling away at the excess weight I put on in the last part of my life in NYC. No more bagels, no more dunkin donuts. I'm living the Cali life now, which means its all salads and yogurt for me. I'm finally starting to see some changes.

Secondly, even though I have had the project from hell which almost weekly suffers some new crisis, I'm handling it perfectly. Everything I ever needed to know about my job I learned in NYC. I worried during my time in NYC that I would be discovered as a fraud. Turns out I really do know what I'm talking about. And although I still have to fight battles daily with development teams and tech teams, its okay because I have extremely supportive managers who respect my opinion. I lead my own projects and that feels good. People look to me for answers, and it just so turns out that I have them.

And I'm not even pissed that when I had to miss a meeting today someone tried to call me out in front of everyone by "accidently" hitting Reply to all in Outlook with a message--"Please try to attend the meetings on this project :)" I mean seriously, who is falling for that shit anymore? I have never hit "Reply to all" on accident. After she sent the email, the Project Manager stepped in and said that I had sent him note saying I couldn't attend, and suddenly she sent an apology saying she wasn't trying to make me look bad. Well, what the hell else were you doing?

Life is still sailing for me. I am still without living room furniture and a TV, but thank goodness for Lost being streamed online. Still no love prospects on the horizon, and thats fine with me. I decided to just stop talking to that 40 yr old from Match, because the emails were tedious and I just thought his excuses were lame. In fact, I think after next month I'm going to expire my account on Match. I'm over it. I'll take my chances in the analog world of bars, theatres, work, and gyms. Or I won't date at all. It doesn't really matter. I'm happy as things are.

My Pattern

I am starting to realize that I alone am the source of my guy problems. Its almost like my brain and my mouth don't communicate with each other. I find myself walking into situations and saying things I never meant to say or even mean. And by the way, this only happens with guys that I'm attracted to. I am finally understanding my pattern. It starts of with me getting into a conversation I shouldn't be getting into, then it turns into me trying to get out of a situation I sort of put myself into, and then it turns into me giving in to said situation and that is followed by days and weeks of agonizing over my new found status as the potential "fuck buddy" or "hookup girl". Now, in the past I've been able to graciously get out of these situations, simply because I took too long to give into anything and the guy just got tired of waiting and moved on. I'm almost 30 years old, when will I learn to shut my mouth? And why can't I just view sex as a physical thing? Why do I have to think of everything that can go wrong? Sometimes I wish I was more open to giving into my sexual gratifications. Life sure would be easier. But that would make me Shawn.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself

--Mark Twain

While we were laying in bad after the heavy make-out session, the co-worker asked me "Do you ever get lonely?" It was an interesting question because one year ago I would have said yes. But, this is a new time for me and I told him the truth. "No. I've never really been happy in a relationship, except for one time, but other than that, I'm happy being single. In fact, I'm happier than I've been in a long time." That was the truth. I'm not lonely and I've realized no other person can fill something in me that I'm missing. I can't find happiness in someone else. I think that bitter little lesson came with the whole Chris debacle. But it was a lesson I had to learn. Dating sucks, and men can be extremely selfish creatures. So it feels good to be focused on me and exactly what I want, not what makes someone else happy. I'm sure at some point I'll want to care about someone else, but for now caring about me is enough.

Oops I did it again

Last night the co-worker texted and me and wanted to come over. I decided that I needed some physical release, so I said yes. He came over and I laid down some ground rules. I told him he needed to turn up the sensuality and punctuate it with aggression. To which, he agreed. And a couple of hours of enormous pleasure ensued. We didn't have sex, but we just heavily made out. But this time it was fantastic. I made up my mind that I will definitely have sex with him at some point. And then he sent a text that changed my mind again.

So, we were flirting via text today, to which he asked me if we would possibly have sex next time. I answered, I like to do things in order, and we haven't even rounded third base yet. He responded that he was wanting me to go down on him last night. I responded that if I do it then he's doing it too. To which he said, "That'll be a moment decision. If I don't then you don't have to". Um. You want me to suck your dick, but you will decide "in the moment" if you want to eat my puss? Nope. Doesn't work for me. So, my response was "Ugh. If its like that, lets not bother with hooking up anymore". No response.

Now here's the thing, most guys are awful at eating the puss. But, fair is fair. Now, I'm sure he has some lame guidelines about only doing that with girls he cares about...well, guess what--I only have sex with guys I care about, but I'm making an exception. Now, the other part of this, is that I can just not go down on him and have sex with him, no harm no foul. Nope. I like to go down. I have to do it. Not rounding third and going straight to home run is like driving my car with the door open. I can't do one without the other, and I can't go down if he won't go down on me. And that's that. And of course there's a question of power here. Now, I definitely can't back down because I already laid down the law. He can choose to go with it or not. I guess that all depends on how much he wants it. After last night, I know he wants it even more than ever, the way I see it, I win either way. If he doesn't want to go down, I'm not having sex with him. If he does go down, then I got what I wanted (and so did he, I suppose). Basically, its a win-win if he does.

The words that changed everything

So, the co-worker and I hooked up once, almost a month ago. Since then, neither of us has brought it up. We still say hi at work, and its as if nothing has happened. The only indication that something might have happened, is the text message I received from him last Thursday--"Your ass looked hot today, let's hang out soon." Today he came by my desk to tell me that he might be getting promoted and moving to a new building. We talked a for a few minutes and then he left. As I was packing my stuff up ready to leave, he came by my desk and we walked down together. And still, nothing has been mentioned. But things have changed. He doesn't bring up sex around me anymore, and I don't say anything personal anymore. I think he's actually a pretty nice guy and I have a feeling he's seeing someone right now, which is why he isn't trying to jump me anymore.

I feel like I'm in a weird place, because I do like him, he's really funny, very cute, I'm clearly attracted to him, but not in the dating way. But, I wasn't happy being the "hookup girl" either. I had hoped that we would be friends, and I guess under the circumstances, we kind of are. Things could have been majorly awkward, or worse he could have turned into a major douche. In the end, I know it was those 10 words that changed everything (How does a single girl get laid in San Francisco). It was those words that put me in this place and I know I have no one but myself to blame. I guess this is just one of those slightly stinging lessons I had to learn.

P.S. I've been at my job for just shy of 3 months, and I'm going to Mexico City for work the last week in February. Yay!

Work sucks and the neverending emails.

Wow did today suck. I guess it was about time the honeymoon with my job came to an abrupt end. I'm one week shy of my 3 month anniversary. I signed a document when I was hired that stated I had to return my hire-on bonus if I quit before a year. During today's meeting, I was wondering if they meant before or after taxes, because suddenly quitting seemed like a good idea. My position is a politically charged one. Everyone thinks they can do my job, and for years, these people did. But, they didn't do a very good one, which is why they hired experts like me. So long story short, I had to stop off at Trader Joe's and grab a bottle of red wine--Sebastiani's Cabernet. To top it off, I'm pretty sure I have a sleeping disorder because last night I barely slept at all and no matter how much or how little sleep I get, its never enough. No more work talk--its ruining my red wine buzz.

So, I briefly mentioned a few posts back that I'm "talks" with a 40 year old. Well, we've been emailing each other for what seems like weeks now. We exchanged phone numbers during these exchanges, and yet no phone calls. I have a rule--never call a man. But his excuse for not calling me is "writing allows for a deeper communication". Is it just me or is that the lamest fucking thing ever. The truth is I can careless if this guys calls me or not, and I told him that via email, of course. But don't give me some lame excuse about why not. And don't tell me emails are expressive, because phone convos are just as expressive, especially since you can literally hear expressions in people's tone. It takes me like 15 minutes to respond to his emails because they are extra long. I haven't necessarily lost interest yet, but I'm about 1 email away from just dismissing this guy altogether. Am I overreacting? Maybe I'm just super impatient, but lets get to the point already. Everyone has their weird quirks and I don't know, I just don't feel with dealing it with it. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Do your thing

Sometimes that song comes on your iPod that sparks a memory from another time. That song for me was "Just like Heaven" by The Cure. Hearing that song always reminds me of Peter. It also reminds me of the time I thought I had my life all mapped out. I would go to Buffalo, get my MLS, go back to Southern California and work happily as a librarian and maybe start a family with Peter. Seriously, that was my plan. What I didn't count on was how much I hated library stuff and realized very quickly that a career as a librarian would not make me happy. Almost immediately my life started to crumble. I traveled 3,000 miles to get a degree in a profession I didn't even want to do. And for months I was unhappy. I asked my mom for advice and all she kept saying was "get your shit together". That wasn't really advice at all, but she was telling me was to make it happen, whatever it is I needed to make happen. And I did. I sought a new career path that I know would make me happy and along the way lost a relationship.

Flash forward one year from then. Stuck in NYC, I questioned whether or not I had chosen the right career. I wasn't happy at my job. I didn't like the people, I didn't really like New York, I was getting way underpaid in a city which is super expensive. It wasn't a happy time. I was assigned a mentor at my job, and when I told him about my severe unhappiness, he said to me "you got to find your thing". And for months later, he would bump into me in the hall and ask me "did you find your thing yet?"

It seems there are a few people in my life who are struggling to find "their thing". I know what its like to be lost. I was lost most of my life, and I'm sure at some point in the future, things will shift course again and I will have to re-evaluate some decisions and choices to keep going in the right direction. My advice to those struggling is to never stop looking. Be open to new opportunities and don't dwell on mistakes. Take stock of how to do things differently and don't do it again.

I realize now that without all the mistakes and struggles and bad decisions I've made in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am. It's those road blocks in life that build character. I'm happier then I've been in a long time. Finally, I found my thing.

Nothing in particular

So there's a re-org going on at my company right now. It's not a scary one luckily. I won't have to worry about my job or anything like that. Though I've decided to observe a shopping hiatus. I know I'm fortunate enough to have a job now, but I feel like I'm in a fairly volatile industry in an area that is very much impacted if there is another bubble burst. Though many around here say there won't be another burst. As a side note, I find out this week if I'll be traveling to Mexico City next month to observe testing. Moving on...

I've been in talks with a 40 year old from Match. In his first email he said, "I decided to email you, something I rarely do, because you are my type." I have to admit I like the idea of someone saying that to me. Its very bold and very to the point. As a result, we've been emailing for 2 weeks and I haven't lost interest. He speaks 6 languages, lived in Europe, was a fulbright scholar, works in television, owns several properties, and is quite interesting in fact. He has good taste in television and movies. I have no idea where this could go, I've never quite entertained the idea of taking someone 11 years my senior as a possible companion. But, I'm open to finding out.

I've been successful at keeping my resolutions so far. I decided to take the advice of those Martha Stewart Blueprint people and turn something I found at the goodwill into a jewelry storage thingy. I spray painted it that copper color and added that paper on the inside. I think I need to add some cork to the left side, so that middle area isn't so filled with stuff. Its been fun having a new hobby.

Single and Fabulous?

No not really. I like to rally for the single ladies, but really I'm just a sappy girl who does care about what people think, particularly men. So, I know it was a really bad idea to hookup with the co-worker, and this week I think I can see that he doesn't give me that same intensity that I once felt from him. To top it off, we had a meeting in which all of us had to attend, and there he was sitting next to some attractive, skinny bitch. Yeah, she's probably married, but its just the idea. Maybe he got what he wanted from me, like Shawn said, but I don't think making out and sucking on my nips qualifies as getting anything. We barely rounded first base. So yeah, it turns out I'm just a sad little girl who likes attention. Now that he's not giving it to me, I'm feeling a little dejected. So I'm going to chalk this up to a tiny step forward. Its not a full failure, I had a moment of weakness and now I'm moving forward, no harm, no foul. But, I guess I realized I'm not as tough as I had hoped.

A weekend in San Fran

On Friday I agreed to go with one of my new co-workers into SF this weekend to explore. She has a friend living in the city and we ended up meeting up with her and spending two nights with her. We went to Vesuvio, a place visited by Jack Kerouac, and barhopping in the Mission on Saturday, and on Sunday we drove down to Sonoma to go wine tasting at Sebastiani's and Ravenswood wineries. Today we went apartment hunting with my co-worker and ate at a local taqueria in Potrero Hill. It was really random and kind of spontaneous and a lot of fun. You get to know people pretty well when you spend that much time with them especially when you just met them on Friday at work. It was a nice weekend, but I still don't care for San Fran that much. I'm waiting for the day I fall in love with it, because I used to like it a lot. Aside from my awesome weekend, I found out my first item sold on eBay sold for $91. Yay!

The Hookup

I woke up this morning at 8:40 am to the aroma of chardonnay from the two empty glasses sitting on my night stand. Yup, I totally hooked up with the co-worker last night. We only made out and didn't really make it past 2nd base, but the evidence was very faintly on my neck--a hickey reminding me of last night's rendezvous. So before I detail what happened, I will first say this, we do not directly work in the same business unit and he works in a very small and confining unit of people that deal with financial things. Which means he has absolutely no influence over me or anything related to me. In fact, we rarely see each other at work anymore since they frosted the conference room windows. Now the hookup...

He confessed to me that he's only been with three girls in his whole life, which I'm willing to believe after last night. He was extremely aggressive. I should have guessed, he did go to business school and all those MBA's are aggressive. He was a rough kisser and at times rammed his tongue down my throat. I had to ask him to tone it down a couple of times. (which he didn't) He then went on to grab my boobies and bite my nips. That was slightly painful and today they are still slightly sore. Basically I felt like I was with someone who didn't know how to control himself. He was really riled up and just all over the place. At one point, he said to me, "If I had brought a condom do you think we'd be having sex right now?" To which I responded, "Probably not, I have condoms". He obviously wants to have sex at some point and quite frankly I don't know if that will happen. If he's like this just making out, I'm guessing sex with him is like getting stabbed in the cooch multiple times. I'm not really into that. He needs a lot of work in being a good lover and his little 23 year old ex girlfriend didn't know shit about sex, because at that age you don't even know what your body is capable of.

Yeah, we'll see what happens, right now Im thinking sex is a giant no. I know you don't believe me, but I'm mainly interested in making out. I can probably get him 2 more times before he loses interest. That's the life a single girl.

How does the single girl get laid?

After a very intriguing conversation about being single on Shawn's blog, it prompted me to really start thinking about my single girl status. I can proudly claim that I am happy to be single. Because let's face it, I've never been happy in a relationship. Even when I was happy, I wasn't. So now I will live my single life to fullest happily showing those married people and committed people how great life can be without attachment. So that part is easy. Now the hard part...

Sex. How the hell does a single girl get her groove on and not be a ho? I know my blog is a bit of a misnomer, because I've never been a ho in my life. After the age of 18, sex was primarily within the boundaries of relationships or "serious" dating. I'm totally fine with being a make out slut. I've always viewed myself as the "everything but" girl. The only problem is that the "making out only" strategy hasn't really worked for me past the age of 16. I can't really do the fuckbuddy thing, because I did a great job of documenting the problems with that. I can't do a one night stand, because that's just gross. I'm the odd girl that likes to know the people I sex up. So, at this point I'm at a loss of how I'm supposed to get my jollies. And don't even recommend a dildo or vibrator, because honey let's just say I'm well acquainted, and even that's starting to look like a relationship--its like fucking the same guy over and over. I knew being single was too good to be true.

A perfect date...with Anna

So, today I met someone off match for coffee. I definitely see it as more of a friendship thing, because I wasn't really physically attracted to him and quite frankly he seemed to lack the passion or spark I tend to look for in a mate. The Vin Diesel guy is shaping up to be a douche, and the Brit is MIA.

I did have the perfect date however. Last night, I hung out with Anna, a girl I met on a flight from SJ to SD. We met for dinner and wine and she was awesome. We talked about penis size and vibrators, and honey you know that's right down my alley. She's real cool and I'm glad that we met fortuitously because I can definitely see her being part of my single ladies and fags crew. In fact, I've already recruited her. It turns out she might be my travel buddy too when I go to Prague this year. We've already made plans to go shopping in the city because she knows where all the cool boutiques are. I made a new friend and I'm infatuated. But not in the lesbian way, so get your minds out of the gutter.

Living for the bang

"From the moment I saw you, I wanted to bang you." These were the words from my co-workers IM last night. I think thats going in the scrap book of seduction. Right between "Are those real" and "We have 20 minutes". His words also bring to light that the only reason he invited me out with his friends was to get close enough to have a chance. You can't bang someone you've never talked to before. It feels like men live for the bang. They devise elaborate plans and ruses to trap their victim in clever ways. What the hell? Is it that serious?

The woes of dating

Let me start off by stating that I lost a total of 4 inches. Sounds like a lot, but I have like 4 more to go...

So apparently my dating woes are old hat for some of you (Shawn). But, I'm just going to reiterate on the fact that dating is horrible. I can honestly say I've never really dated before, so this is all new for me. Its horrible. It seems men make the decision on whether you will be ripe for the fucking or keep you as a potential mate. When did this happen? I was under the impression women made those decisions.

It seems lately I've encountered more and more men who have put me in the fuck pile without even really getting to know me. As a result, I'm forced to choose between a no-strings fuck or nothing at all. Choice seems clear right? Wrong. I don't know what's come over me, but I'm super horny lately. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I'm not on the pill anymore. Since I moved to San Jose, I can literally picture myself doing the naughtiest things with the most unsuspecting strangers. The guy shopping for Pine Sol at Target, one of my managers talking about timelines during a meeting, the guy at the gym sweating on his SJSU sweatshirt. It's ridiculous. Its completely out of hand, and the old tricks aren't working anymore.

Keep in mind, I've never had a one-night stand. I went on a date last night with the personal trainer guy that i've been sort of playing text tag with for the last few weeks. He was hot. When I say hot, I mean like real fucking hot. He looked like Vin Diesel but with blue eyes. He had a perfect smile. Our conversation went okay. He talked mostly about how he hit rock bottom when he turned a certain age and how he's looking for a girlfriend to love and respect. I didn't get the feeling he was bullshitting, but all I could think about is, "Well even if he's not interested, I might just fuck him."

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have the co-worker thinking I'm a slut, I have the Brit saying I'm chaste. Who am I? Well it turns out that I might be Shawn. The more I realize all this shit about dating, the more I understand his jaded perspective and willingness to settle for physical attention. I totally get it now. Now I finally see what he sees, and the view isn't so good from here.

Where my single ladies and fags at?

Okay Match.com where's my motherfuckin' husband? You have made promises, you can't keep. So far your site has excelled in trying to get me laid though. But, if that was what I wanted, I would have signed up on onenightstand.com, if such a site existed--or even herpes.com. That being said, I'm forced to reconsider the types of men I think I should date, so I'm expanding into the past-35 market. I never thought I'd be venturing into the unknown zone of people born in the 60's, but it turns out that I might have to. Unfortunately for me I'm the perfect concoction of what men don't want. So, now I'm dating on the fringes of 40.

Now, I'm the first one in line to defend my singledom. I came to the conclusion recently that the reason I'm not enjoying it so much lately is because I dont have my crew of single ladies and fags to surround myself with. My new mission is to recruit some single ladies (below the age of 40) and some fags to run with. Since I've finally accepted the fact that I am not emotionally available for the right kind of guys, and I'm attracted to the wrong types of guys, I will be single for awhile so I might as well reap the benefits of being single. So, if you are a single fag in need of a hag, or a single girl who likes to have fun and you are in the bay area, give me a shout.